Who Was Most Excited By My Return?!

December 14, 2015

For the first time since becoming a Father, I left my children for a period of time.  I went on a business trip to France for four days which makes me sound super important in my own mind. My irrational fears have always caused me to hate flying.  I know that statistically it’s very safe but the second I sit in my seat I always put my chances of survival at 50/50.

(This is what I imagine is going on in the cockpit)

Of course, on the plus side if I was going to meet my great reward and leave my kids without a father at least I was giving them a good story.  How did your Dad die?  He died in plane crash over international waters while traveling to Versailles.  It makes me sound worldly doesn’t it?  Almost mysterious, like a spy or some type of government agent on a “mission.”

(To Do List: Have my wife replace all photos of me with this guy if I die in a plane crash)

As usual I didn’t die.  Although I was subjected to some French food, i.e., foie gras, that made me feel like I was being tortured by an evil entity.  Sensing I was going to make it back home alive, my thoughts immediately turned to usual self involved mode. Which child was going to miss me more?

Was it going to be Arthur?

He tends to play things cool, but we have a silent bond and understanding.  Four day without me could very well have left him shaken.  Who was he going to watch Modern Family with?  Who was he going to spit up on silently so they wouldn’t realize that their shirt was completely soiled until after they had left the house and were in their office ready for a day full of meetings?

Or would it be Charles?

He’s the sensitive one.  He’s an incredible pain in the ass at times but his neediness can be kind of charming.  I was pretty sure he would be crying for 96 hours straight from the moment I left until I returned.

I entered the door to my home at 11:45pm and was greeted enthusiastically bordering on inappropriately by Winston.

I understand that I know his feeding and bathroom schedule better than anyone in the family, but you would have thought I had just returned from combat.  Sure we get each other but a soulful dry humping is too much. he needs to dial it back.

My wife was less enthused.  It seems that she and both the Boys had been dealing with a severe cold while I was gone.  Talk about a bonus to being out of town!!  You don’t want to miss a lot of milestone but if there’s one to miss it’s the first case of sniffles.  My wife hadn’t slept more than two consecutive hours in four days getting up with one kid or the next who couldn’t breathe during the night.  I told her how upset I was that I wasn’t there to help and her meek thanks was a nice gesture knowing how blatant a lie I just told her.

As far as which child missed me the most, they were both sleeping so the answer would come in the morning.  Charles and Arthur had distinctly different reactions when they saw me.  As far as I can tell this is what they saw when they gazed me for the first time in four days.

What Charles saw.

This kid gave me a look as if I was the Lord God himself.  And to be honest it’s nice but a little frightening.  This kid is in for quite a let down in the years to come.

What Arthur saw.

That’s right.  Arthur looked at me as if I was a mundane common household item.  Kind of like how I might look at a roll of scotch tape. He might have been thinking of other common things such as a dirty coffee mug or bar of soap.  His look pretty much said, “Oh, there you are.  I hadn’t seen you around in awhile and thought we were going to have to go out and get a new one.  And to think he’s beating his brother in terms of being the overall favorite.

On the bright side, do I want to have to deal with TWO kids who are always going to rush me when I come home at the end of the day?  One kid’s unconditional love is better for my knees and my back.   Arthur has decided to set the bar high for me though and it might start costing him in my daily rankings.  He’s been warned.  Of course, he didn’t care.

Least Favorite Child Results

Now, I can’t give them rankings while I was away so they got a little vacation time from my judgement.  Here’s how they fared between my last post on the eligible days.

December 5 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  His poop is like a prisoner who says, “No prison in the word can hold me!”  The prison in this case is his diaper and on let’s just say on this day there were several jail breaks.

December 6 – Least Favorite is Charles. Trying to keep Charles asleep is like undergoing training to become a cat burglar.  He’ll wake up if he hears you carefully folding a pair of underwear.  His hearing is bionic and I’ve been watching some of my favorite shows on mute for the past few weeks.

December 7-11 – (France trip)

December 12 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  His look of ambivalence when I returned home stings.

December 13 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  It still stings.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 82

Arthur – 69

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 138

I wouldn’t usually feature Neil wearing a hat that made him look like a douche but come on!  It’s been 138 days!!!