Wednesday, November 25
It’s time for the boys to squirm. It’s their six month performance review. Will Mommy and Daddy keep us around? Have we put in enough work to get the job done to their satisfaction?
I actually read these performance review posts to them. I know they can’t really understand what I’m saying but I hope subliminally something sinks in. They may just be babies but we have expectations that need to be met. If you don’t start setting the bar at this age the chance that you wind up with creepy or even worse…boring kids is a real possibility. My wife and I have realistic goals for Arthur and Charles. We want them to charm everyone they meet and force everyone that has children to silently think to themselves, “Why aren’t my kids as cute and funny as the Hurley Boys.” I don’t expect them to say this out loud. I’ll be able to tell from the look on their face that my children make them feel that theirs are inferior. It’s what we all want as parents, right?
(Like this woman! It’s nice to think that she might meet Arthur and Charles and then go home and cry about her jerky kid.)
That’s what we’re shooting for so let’s see if the boys are living up to their end of the bargain. Let’s welcome Charles into my office and begin.
Charles, take a deep breath. I want to start by telling you that overall, we’re VERY pleased with your work and we’ll be keeping you on. Now that you know that we can get down to business. Let’s look at your strengths.
- Personality – You’re finally showing us you have one, which is a relief. For three or four months you kind of acted like a character from a Lon Chaney film. You displayed a plodding and menacing cuteness. Now, not only are you chock full of smiles I have high hopes for your laugh. You may very well develop on of those uncontrollable giggles that will score you a viral video and a couple of days of buzz on local TV outlets. Fingers crossed!!
- Physical – You’re a strapping lad, which always makes a father proud for some odd reason. “Look at this large thing I helped make!” Of course when you say that to someone their first reaction is often, “Please don’t make me look.” You’re legs are particularly strong and I have designs on making you an NFL field goal kicker. Most Dads want their sons to score the touchdowns, but let’s be realistic. If you’ve got a shot to wear a Patriots uniform someday it’s one that will feature a lower number like 1 or 3, and you won’t have to get you’re uniform dirty.
Of course there are things we need to see great improvement on.
- Hours of operation – Mommy and Daddy have hours that we’re open for business and hours we’re closed. We’ve mentioned these before but maybe we’ll post them somewhere prominent for you to see at all times. Just to be clear, our doors are closed at 4:30am. In the event of emergency we’re willing to make exceptions but every morning is NOT acceptable. Moving forward please keep these hours in mind. If we’re closed make a mental note to remind us of what you need when 7am rolls around. Thanks!
- Emotion – I don’t want to be picky because you’ve really improved here, but you still get a little to weepy for Mommy and Daddy’s liking. Remember that you’re Irish and it’s ok to bury your feelings. If Daddy cried every time the he lost his pacifier or was woken up to be fed, you’d think he was kind of a pussy wouldn’t you? I thought so.
Ok, Arthur. Come on in, it’s you’re turn.
I got to say, it’s this attitude of not giving a shit that kind of wins me over, Arthur. I’ll try to speak softly and let you know that we’re generally delighted with you as well and are happy to say you’re being retained. Let’s look at your areas of strength.
- Demeanor – You are in an unshakable good mood 95% of the time which is refreshing. We’ll get to the other 5% in the weakness section. Of course, you have absolutely no responsibility and are waited on like a Royal Baby, but at least you seem to appreciate that. I’ve seen moody babies taking life on easy street for granted and they seem like douchebags.
- Physical Build – You’re still much lighter than you’re brother and a nice easy manageable lift. I can’t blame you for my back issues. (I blame your brother)
- Salesmanship – Lasting impressions are made in the first seven seconds you meet someone. I know that’s true because I read it in a Buzzfeed article. That means you’re going to win over a lot of people right away and can coast for the rest of the relationship living off those first seven seconds. Smart, Arthur. Very very smart.
Areas we need to work on.
- That 5% of the time you’re not in an unshakable good mood? They frighten me, they frighten Mommy, the dog, the neighbors and even the guys around the corner at the Fire Station. You’re high pitched squeals of unhappiness have drowned out their sirens. I’ve come close to dousing you with water while I cant, “The power of Christ compels you!” Let’s see if we can reign the 5% Satan thing in.
- Time Management – I appreciate you like to savor a good meal, but let’s see if we can polish off a four ounces of milk in less than an hour. There’s a lot of shows I’ve DVR’d and I can’t give them my full attention if I’m feeding you are 10:30pm. You’re bedtime is later than your grandparents, though they are older so maybe that’s not so strange.
One overall note for both of you. The Nanny is not to be loved more than Mommy and Daddy. Sure, she’s great but she is not to get more or even as many smiles as we do. And if you need to cut loose and act like assholes, the Nanny’s hours are the perfect window for you. Consider her like a recess in grade school. Go nuts, scream loudly, do things you’ll regret later in life. Do not take long naps while she’s watching you!! She’s there to get all your energy out and leave when you’re sufficiently worn out and ready for 4 hours of sleep. Thanks!
Least Favorite Child Results
November 21 – Charles was Least Favorite Child. Putting a diaper on this spastic leg child is an exercise in developing new combination of curse words. I had to stop and compose myself several times on more than one occasion. Although my cursing has never been better. I’m ready to be a sailor.
November 22 – Least Favorite was Arthur. He’s developing his vocal chords and has discovered he can do bird calls. Or at least make shrill loud high pitched sounds similar to a bird being slowly tortured to death.
November 23 – Least Favorite was Charles. Not to focus on potty stuff, but I guess I wipe with a heavy hand. Both have been pooping more and heavier with solid food and poor Charles got a little of the red ass. You would think that would make me favor him, but when the Nanny saw this and looked at me like I was abusing my child I quickly showed her Arthur’s bare ass and said, “This one’s fine!!” Charles’ sensitive ass was to to blame for this exchange.
November 24 – LFC was Charles. 4:37am wake up call. He has no respect for the term Hours of Operation.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 75
Arthur – 65
Days Tied – 1
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 122
Gobble, gobble Neil. You know who never mentions you in his blog? Zachary Levi, that’s who!! Fine just be pals with him then!!!