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December 17, 2015

I’m a typical Dad.  When I look at the beautiful faces on the miracle that are my sons one thing comes to mind.  How do I make a buck off these kids?  It’s not going to come from my blog.  If I gain any notoriety from my writing I imagine like many poets or artists it will come posthumously.  My sons will discover this blog.  They’ll kill me.  And when the story hits the news people will read my posts to understand why they had no other choice but to murder me. Fame at any cost I guess.

But I’m pretty sure I’ve been struck with my “AHA!” moment.  It occurred during the 12th or 13th time I was singing “Head Shoulders Knees and Toes” to Arthur and Charles while attempting to take a Holiday Photo.

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(Calories burned after 30 minutes on a treadmill = 500.  Calories burned to get this one photo = 2500)

Kids love these moronic songs.  It could be “Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,” “Five Little Speckled Frogs,” or “The Wheels On The Bus.”  These songs are incredibly basic.  I’m sure that if I put pen to paper I could crank out a dozen of these every day.

So what’s stopping me from becoming the next kid’s singing megastar?  Why can’t I be Barney or The Wiggles?  These characters made a fortune.  They toured around the world and became gods to millions of fans.

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Look at these guys!  They came out with blockbuster hits like “Fruit Salad” and “Move Your Arms Like Henry” and now they’re farting through silk underwear!!

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And this guy gained a lucrative cult following with songs like “My Family’s Just Right For Me,” “I’d Love To Sail” and the legendary “I Love You.”

So, I’ve developed a two pronged plan.  First, knowing that kids don’t have disposable income to spend you have to target the parents.  That’s why the themes of my songs will always meet with their approval.  Songs that will help parents get what they REALLY need from their children. Second, these kids clearly like a fun character they can latch onto.  All I need to do is figure these two things out and I’ll be touring in sold out arenas for years!

As I mentioned I think writing the songs will be easy.  And when it came to finding a character I got a some valuable help from my co-worker Christine. As we’re in the midst of the Star Wars craze I thought I’d take advantage of the sci-fi mania.  I pitched her a character I called Spaceman Steve.  She thought for a moment and said, “I think kids like animals more. What if you went with Space Bear”?  The second it came out of her mouth I knew that the stars had aligned and that my fate as an iconic kid’s superstar was sealed.  A fun loving wild animal in an astronaut outfit. Christine may as wall have just discovered the polio vaccine. Space Bear is born!!

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This photo says it all.  Space Bear is fun for kids but he’s also bearing his teeth which means little ones should take the messages from his fun songs very seriously.  They’ll want Space Bear to love them because if not, there will be consequences.  But Space Bear is working with parents.  His songs are entertaining AND deliver important lessons that will make everyone’s life easy and more manageable.  Space Bear already has some albums ready to drop.

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The first album, “Let’s Do Housework…Or Else” will focus on fun games to create a clean home environment and give parents time to rest and refresh.  Songs like, “The Laundry Song, “Let’s Eat Over The Sink” and “Toys On The Ground Belong In The Trash” sung in a toe tapping campy manner will have kids dancing and a little scared.  A combination they come to love when sung by Space Bear.

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Too many of these children’s characters get these kids all worked up and excited. The soulful “It’s Quiet Time You Idiots” will lull the wee ones into a serene state with songs like, “It’s A Great Day To Sleep In” and “I’ll Keep My Thoughts To Myself.”  Teaching kids to entertain themselves quietly is extremely valuable.

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Having established Space Bear with the first two albums and establishing a cult following, it’s time to put a little muscle behind his songs.  “We All Have Limits” will focus on how far is too far to push Mommy and Daddy, with songs like, “Daddy Only Yells When It’s Called For.”  It will also teach the kids to be realistic about their goals in life with tunes such as “Sometimes It’s OK To Quit.”

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Space Bear will go through an experimental phase with the Album “Do Do As I Say Say Not As I Do Do,” known to fans unofficially as the Upside Down Album.  Every artist has to stir up a little controversy and go off the rails from time to time.  This will be Space Bear’s TMZ phase but he’ll still crank out hits on this album like, “Because Mommy Said So” and “You’ll Understand When You’re Older.”

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Then Space Bear goes back to the basics with a number of poppy upbeat songs from “There Is Such A Things As A Dumb Question.”  Parents will gladly spend their hard earned money for their children to sing along to tunes like, “It’s None Of My Business” and “Time After Timeout.”

I’m pretty sure if I leave a mark in this world Space Bear is my best shot.  And by mark I mean, raking in tons of money brainwashing youngsters to bend to the will of what their parents need most.  For them not to be huge pains in the ass.  Space Bear is set for lift off!!

Least Favorite Child Results

December 14 – Least Favorite Child is Charles.  Both boys still have lingering congestion from colds.  This requires my wife to suck the snot out of their nose while I restrain their arms.  You would think restraining a baby is easy, but Charles is a fighter and kicked me in the groin several times.  Pretty sure he did some damage.  Who needs a third baby?

December 15 – Arthur is LFC.  Charles gave me more bang for my buck on this day.  He’s close to forming words.  He’s holding and grabbing things with an impressive David Copperfield slight of hand.  Arthur just kind emits a moan that sounds like a creaky door opening.  He needs to pick it up.  It’s a bottom line world and people expect results.

December 16 – Arthur is LFC.  I got home late as it was the company Christmas Party.  When I got home as usual, Charles smiled when he saw me.  The look Arthur gave me pretty much said, “You are neither food nor sleep.  Good night, sir.  I said good night!”

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 83

Arthur – 71

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 141

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Part of the reason I’m keeping the NPH count is that if something terrible happens to me and he finds out about my blog he’ll feel bad about himself.  These are the sad threads I cling to at this point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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