August 12, 2016
You know I’m reaching for anything to write about when it comes to this. Although, in fairness to me, before our twins were even three months old I asked my wife which child each of us would take in a “Parent Trap” scenario. You know, like in the movie, where if we got divorced and each one of us took a child and moved 3,000 miles away from each other. Like any pair of loving parents would do.
My wife seemed less than bothered by my throwing out a hypothetical scenario involving our being divorced. She thought for a moment and I cut her off and said, “I think I should take Arthur and you should take Charles.” She knew that would be my answer. Arthur’s always been low maintenance and far less work to look after. Sometimes I finish a bottle of water, put that cap back on it, and hand it to Arthur knowing that for the next several hours he can sit and entertain himself with it.
But the “Parent Trap” scenario, as madcap and fun as it sounds, isn’t plausible for Arthur and Charles. That’s because they don’t look remotely like each other.
This African American gentleman looks more closely related to Matt Damon than Arthur and Charles appear to be related to each other.
So if, like in the “Parent Trap,” the boys go to some summer camp they’re not going to bump into one another and be amazed at their resemblance. They don’t even have similar habits or tendencies. I doubt they’d even hang around the same groups. And in the event they do figure out they’re twin brothers and make it their mission to bring their divorced parents back together, I imagine that they’d be destined to fail. I fooled my wife into marrying me once. I don’t think she’d fall for it again unless I miraculously transform into Brian Keith.
Because they don’t look like each other at all, the twin movie I always think of is a no brainer.
I think there’s a better than fair chance that I’m the parent of two children living a real life Big Business scenario. When babies are born there too pink and wrinkled to clearly identify them. That’s why the first thing they do in the hospital is put an ID bracelet on them. I can’t account for their whereabouts at all times after the first fifteen minutes they were born and getting hosed off. I left the hospital several times for a smoke and my wife was out of it from having delivered roughly 16 pounds of human being. It’s totally plausible that someone put the wrong baby in the wrong room.
And if this is true, I honestly believe it was God’s plan to make sure that no set of parents wound up with two Charles babies. Charles is only awake for about 10 hours a day but he packs a lot of life into that limited time. It’s occupied primary with climbing on unstable structures, running after the dog, running and hiding in hard to find spots, finding things to pick up that pose a threat to his well being and trying to find out what Mommy’s face cream tastes like. I save his life no less than 15 times a day. Not once has he thanked me. He’s an exhausting roller coaster ride and…roller coaster rides scare the shot out of me.
I’m pretty sure having two Charles’ would cut a set of parents life expectancy by a couple of decades until they were begging to be smothered to death with a pillow.
There’s always the possibility that they’re DeVito and Schwarzenegger in Twins.
If you recall the plot of this film, these two were the result of a lab experiment. Men were hand selected for their intellect and strong physical attributes in order to produce Arnold. They did not expect DeVito.
My wife and I did the IVF thing so their is a lab tie in, but neither of my sons are the result of a sperm cocktail of handpicked super human beings. Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I’ll let you be the judge.
Does the guy this baby is strapped to look like an Olympic Athlete?
I’m going to wait for the Big Business scenario to play out for Arthur and Charles. Although I’m concerned that the other Arthur and Charles got super wealthy, more active and smarter parents. There’s a chance that when the fates collide, they meet the other Arthur and Charles and realize they got jipped. There will be a day of reckoning when they come to me and say that the other dad is a NASA Astronaut or a Northern California Vineyard owner like Brian Keith in the Parent Trap.
And there’s also a strong possibility that my wife’s going to feel like she got jipped too.
Least Favorite Child Results
August 6 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Arthur has started to take his first independent steps but in his own lazy fashion he’ll take two or three and then collapse trusting that you’ll catch him. I could never work in Rehab.
August 7 – Least Favorite is Charles. You know how I know when Charles is done eating? He throws whatever food is in front of him on the ground. I hope he can kick this habit. I hate to think of him doing this in his adult years on a Tinder date when things are going well for him until he throws a plate of lasagna on the ground in disgust.
August 8 – Least Favorite is Charles. Years ago, I went away for a few months for work and my wife got into the habit of having the living room couch all to herself. I have been resigned to the chair next to the couch ever since. Now, Charles has made a habit of climbing on to my chair and sitting in it. Listen, kid. I only have one place left and there’s no way I’m going to wind up sitting on the ottoman and watch my stories.
August 9 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Arthur can take the glasses off my head and put them in his mouth with a sleight of hand I thought only David Copperfield possessed. Baby drool on lenses become permanent after a while.
August 10 – Least Favorite is Arthur. You know how I know when Arthur is done eating. He screams loudly and wildly. If he doesn’t break this habit his Tinder date is going to end just as badly as Charles’.
August 11 – Least Favorite is Arthur. I know it’s not his fault, but Arthur’s poop has a paralyzing odor that stays with you for awhile. If he has a dump in his diaper when he’s changed before bed, I can’t even bring myself to eat dinner until midnight sometimes.
Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles
Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two
Arthur – 41
Charles – 34
Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 368
Neil and I hit our one year anniversary! I think that’s paper, right?