January 15, 2016
Like millions of people I’ve watched Making of a Murderer but I feel I’ve come away with something others haven’t. I want to move to Manitowoc County, Wisconsin. I’m tired of living in a city where I work with Ivy League graduates and people with an endless drive to succeed. I want to live among the simple folk of America’s heartland. I want to live with the idiots.
(When asked by a reporter whose baby he was holding, Avery responded with a smile, “I don’t know.” These are my people!)
I’ve never been one of the smartest people where I live. I haven’t been the dumbest either (most of the time), but I’d like to experience the thrill of being thought of as brainy. I’m not bold enough to say I’d be THE smartest person in Manitowoc. I’d be the type of guy the residents would see walking on the other side of the street and one would say to the other, “I had a beer with Steve Hurley the other night. That’s one sharp fella.”
(“I lost 20 dollars playing Jeopardy at the bar with that Steve Hurley. Smart as a whip that one.)
You might be thinking what my wife said when I told her we should move. How could I ever live with these people? Where would I ever find any intellectual stimulation? Doesn’t bother me in the least. If I need to find someone to interest me I can find them on the internet. And I think we’re all forgetting something very important. Happy Days was based in Wisconsin. That means people as colorful as Fonzie, Cha Chi or Ralph Malph are likely only about an hours drive away from Manitowoc!
(Were these jurors 1-5 in the Avery case?)
As far as my sons are concerned I think they’ll find being bigger fish in a smaller pond to their liking. They won’t have to fight the day-to-day insecurities of high school life when their peers are wearing acid washed jeans and sporting questionable haircuts. And with some at home tutoring to supplement what they learn in the educational system they’ll be #1 and #2 in their class. I don’t care what town you’re from. Having that on your resume is going to get you a college scholorship! Ka ching!!
(Step aside Manitowoc High Valedictorian. The Hurley Boys are on their way!)
My wife is a dog trainer, so the move will be fine for her. She can do that anywhere. The question in my mind was, what would I do for work? The answer was shown to me in episode eight of the series. After a court decision is delivered the camera crew follows members of the Avery family out of the courthouse. I saw my future across the street from the municipal building.
This is the Courthouse Pub. I’m going to find out who owns it and buy it from them. Hopefully they’re not aware that they are located in the best area possible for a bar. The place must be packed constantly. Everyone leaving a court house needs a drink. If you won a big case, you celebrate with drinks. If a family member just got put away for a life sentence, you need to drink. If you just paid a huge parking fine, you probably shouldn’t, but you need a stiff drink or two. When I take this place over, I’m going to hire waitresses and dress them up as slutty bailiffs and have themed nights for felons, lawyers, judges, you name it.
(Show us your paid parking ticket for a free shot of Jager!)
If I know the people of Mantiwowoc, like I think I do after watching ten episodes of a cable series, then I think this bar is going to be wildly popular. Especially if I put a couple of pool tables in.
So that’s my dream. Move to Manitowoc and become Steve, the sharp as a tack bar owner of the wildly popular Courthouse Pub serving the moronic chain smoking public. My wife is the local dog trainer. My sons are the top of their high school class, dating some girls they met in nearby Madison, Wisconsin who are a lot like Lori Beth, Richie Cunningham’s girlfriend, and will attend the University of Wisconsin on full scholarships.
Someone once said “If you want to seem smart, hang around dopes.”
I can’t remember who actually said it. It might have been me.
Least Favorite Child Results
January 9 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles was fine, but Arthur impressed the hell out of me when he made a farting noise with his mouth while actually letting out a loud fart. It was a sound effect worthy of Michael Winslow in the Police Academy movies.
January 10 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Arthur really makes you work for a smile. I spent what seemed like two hours ticking him, saying peekaboo and singing one of his favorite songs to get the slightest smirk. There are days I wish he was an easier audience.
January 11 – – Least Favorite is Charles. His teething is much more extreme than Arthur’s. For some reason this results in his having the runs forcing multiple wardrobe changes throughout the day. He wears more outfits than a runway model at this point.
January 12 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Arthur has a way of needing the most attention at crucial points of TV shows I’m watching and it’s really annoying. You know why our parents were harder on us? Because they didn’t have DVRs.
January 13 – Least Favorite is Arthur. He gave me many disapproving looks. That’s all it takes some days to get this honor.
January 14 – Least Favorite is Charles. He decided to wait right until my wife and I were heading out the door to let out a poop that completely dipped him in poo.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 94
Arthur – 84
Days Tied – 1
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 168
It occurs to me I should at least provide a link for my tribute to Neil should he ever see his photo on my blog. Can I make it any easier on you, Neil?!!