Potty Poker Face


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October 28, 2016

The boys are only a year and a half but my wife insists it’s time to start potty training them.  She’s a “doer.”  I’m not a “doer.”  Left up to me, my sons wouldn’t become toilet “goers” until their sophomore year in college.  So my wife’s drive will certainly make life a little easier for everyone when Arthur and Charles hit high school.


(At least the diapered guy in this picture has abs. Kind of a trade off if you ask me.)

I had no idea how to begin the potty training process.  My wife, the “doer” did.  She advised me that we have to figure out when they are actually taking a dump.  Much like poker, we’d have to look for their tells in order to determine when they where holding a royal flush. (Sorry for the pun)


That’s right.  My wife and I now spend our evenings together in the family room drinking cocktails and trying to spot signs that are children are taking a dump.  And I can tell you now, from firsthand experience, that it’s tough to follow the thread of a TV show like Designated Survivor when your attention is diverted by a a child locked in a half squat position.

It’s a high stakes poker game not unlike Casino Royale.  Lives may not hang in the balance, but there are a lot of smelly chips on the table, and one of the players is adept at bluffing.


Luckily, Arthur is a poor poker player.  He doesn’t have a tell as much as he just walks up to you and shows you his cards.  He squats as if he’s about to jump off a diving board and hold that spot for about a minute before moving on.  I assume that’s a pretty standard position.  What’s less standard is that occasionally he does this facing me and looks me straight in the eye.  I have to believe that’s disrespectful on a lot of levels.  If I walked up to a coworker, glared at them straight in the eye and took a massive crap without saying a word, I’m pretty sure that would be interpreted as a huge “fuck you!!”  It might also be the single biggest power move in the history of office politics. I don’t think I have the nerve to pull ever pull this off, but it’s now in my mind.

Charles is a much different player that Arthur, and quite frankly he’s holding all the cards.  He never stops moving.  How can you tell when someone has shit themselves if they’re always in motion?  And why would you ever WANT to poop on the move?  Personally, I’ve reached an age where the mood and setting has to be perfect for a good dump to happen and a huge part of that… is sitting still.


(I don’t know what you have earmarked to buy with your change jar but this is kind of what I have in mind.)

Not only is Charles winning every hand in this card game of craps, but I’m becoming increasing concerned that he’ll never sit still on anything long enough to poop in it.  Will I have to strap the plastic potty to his ass?  The book Everybody Poops leaves a valuable message but it doesn’t really hit home how much joy you can get from 15-20 minutes with a good book in the can.  I blame his mother.  She’s the “doer.”  Doers don’t like to sit still.  They always have to be into something.  And Charles is beating us because he’s multi-tasking.  He’s pooping while he hits the toy piano or playing with his fire truck.


(Hearing a child squeeze one out as they murder their rendition of chopsticks is a tall order)

These kids have flash cards that show them parts of the body, dogs, cats, and all sorts of stuff that wouldn’t come in as handy as a single card with a pile of poop on it.  That’s why I’m finishing this post as I drink a strong cup of coffee and my iPhone camera at the ready when it’s time to run to the mens room.  Sometimes you have to make your own flash cards to get things done.

Least Favorite Child Results

October 22 – Least Favorite is Charles.  We went to a pumpkin patch over the weekend and threw the boys in a bouncy house with a bunch of older kids.  It went about as well as the soldiers getting off their pontoon boats at Omaha Beach.  This set the tone for Charles to not enjoy a single thing at this event. Toughen up.

October 23 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He’s going to be that kid in school that puts everything in his mouth.  The day before at the pumpkin patch he was grabbing hay and putting it in his mouth and at home it’s the same, we just have more dog hair and less hay.

October 24 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Speaking of putting things in their mouths.  Charles spent the morning chewing on something forcing my wife and I to take 10-15 minutes trying to open up his mouth and find out what it was.  It was nothing.  This kid is just toying with us.  I respect him but resent him as well.

October 25 – Least Favorite is Arthur. But only because Charles caught some bug and looked adorably pitiful.  It’s tough to be least favorite when you play the pity card so well.

October 26 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He’s feeling better now.  He displayed his health by trying to take down the wall mounted TV with all his might.  Don’t ever mess with the TV.  That’s what gets this family through our days and our nights.

October 27 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Arthur speaks like an Ewok from the Star Wars films.  I’d prefer a few human words at this point in his development as opposed to the dialect of a small creature waving a wooden spear.


Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles

Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two

Arthur – 73

Charles – 68

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 443

8 thoughts on “Potty Poker Face”

  1. Ah potty training! Such an ordeal. All four of my boys were completely different in their approaches and ages but I can assure you that none of them started school in diapers and all were even independent butt wipers by the time they started school. I found it saved my sanity to wait until each of them was showing me signs that they were totally ready to start the process. I learned the hard way by trying to impose training on my oldest and it set us back months because he just resented my pushing. Little bugger. Easiest by far was my third son who just decided he wanted to be a big boy one day and was totally accident and diaper free night and day within five days of his decision. Even then, however, the week he chose to undergo this process was the week I had just come home from hospital with a preemie baby. They always find a way to keep us hopping and in our places. Best of luck with it all!


  2. Shelley Herman said:

    As my mom once said, of my sister’s thumb-sucking habit, “She’ll stop doing it when she’s married.” I suspect the same will be true of your boys. And, if I’m wrong, their partner’s will have to worry about it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Well, shit, now when I quit my job, I have to do that glare ‘n go move to my boss. I HAVE TO.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:

    This blog is the shit. (That’s a “loaded” compliment, but well done, yet again, Mr. H.)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m surpised that you even remember having kids, since all you seem to do is sit at the computer writing useless dreck all day. Do you actually work, or does your wife have to take care of you, too?


  6. card game of craps. Wonderfully hilarious, all the time!


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