How To Talk To Your Kids About Donald Trump

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October 14, 2016

I could write about other things today, but is anyone interested in anything that isn’t related to Donald Trump?  I know I’m not.  And as I look through all the justified outrage I see a lot of parents wringing their hands over how to explain Trump’s words and actions to their kids.  I’m not sure why this is such a big problem.  It’s an easy thing to explain to anyone, even young impressionable minds.  He’s a douchebag.

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The contributions that the douchebag made to women’s health pales in comparison to the gift it gave mankind in its name alone.  No word encapsulates the entirety of an asshole as well…even the word asshole.

So if your child comes up to you confused and asks you to explain what Donald Trump’s words mean it’s a quick and easy conversation. “He’s a douchebag.  Turn off CNN and watch some cartoons. And stop asking me stupid questions.  Love you!”

If you put more than a little thought into it, as parents we should thank Donald Trump.  He has become a clear example for us to show our children how not to behave.  Our kids no longer have the benefit of heavy exposure to Goofus and Gallant in Highlights Magazine.

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I miss these guys.  Granted, I always identified more with Goofus, but in today’s environment I’m sure people would jump to Goofus’ defense and say we were bullying him for being ADHD or somewhere on the Asperger’s spectrum.  But thanks to Donald Trump we have our modern day Goofus to look to and say, “OK, he did THAT so we probably shouldn’t do THAT.

My boys can’t speak but years from now when they ask me about something that Donald Trump did, because let’s face it, he might not become President but he’s still not going anywhere, I’ll tell them, “He’s a douchebag.  Remember, you don’t want to be one of those.”

And if they ask me how they’ll know if they’re being a douchebag, I’ll say, “Is it something you could see Trump doing?  If so, you’re probably being a douchebag.”

Just as an aside when did it become the common practice to have this question and answer forum with our kids about issues of the day?  Can’t we go back to the time when kids figured stuff out for themselves and if they got it wrong then parents would explain that they were idiots or being…douchebags?

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(“That’s a very interesting question, Timmy, and I want you to think about what the answer to that might be while Mommy watches the View.”)

It’s not like we ever leave our kids alone for a single second. If they have things figured out incorrectly and it looks like their about to be a douchebag, we can swoop in pretty quickly and explain to them that their being Donald Trump.  All role models aren’t positive ones.  But if you have a clear blueprint for what doesn’t work that’s almost as valuable, right?

My boys are only 18 months.  So it’s unclear if their douchebags at this time.  They say a few words but mostly just babble.  I’m pretty sure Charles did say “pussy” once, but I think that’s what he was calling me when I winced opening up the diaper pale.  That doesn’t make him Trump.  But it does put him in the “Goofus” category.

Least Favorite Child Results

October 9th – Least Favorite is Arthur.  During dinner he threw up.  With no paper towels nearby and seeing it coming ahead of time, I cupped my hands in front of his mouth.  When your holding two handfuls of puke in your hands it’s easy to choose your least favorite.

October 10 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  If you puke at dinner it’s important to get right back up on the horse the next night and shovel as much of a hot dog into your mouth as humanly possible.  This time I had paper towels.

October 11 – Least Favorite is Charles.  When I’m walking the boys in the stroller, Charles likes to stick one leg out and kick at things.  His favorite place to this is at the supermarket where he can knock a lot of things over.  Total Goofus.

October 12 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Arthur likely thinks he’s being helpful when I change his crap filled diaper and before I can get to a wipe he starts to aide the cleanup process with his hands.

October 13 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Charles is into using hair products.  Specifically whatever he’s having for dinner which he run through his hair.  Chicken doesn’t work so well, but peanut butter definitely gives his hair the hold he’s looking for.

Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles

Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two

Arthur – 68

Charles – 61

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 429

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8 thoughts on “How To Talk To Your Kids About Donald Trump”

  1. Donald Trump took the phrase “If you’re not going to live your life to be a shining example, you have a duty to live it as a horrible warning” and frickin’ ran with it.

    Also, HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE! Ah, I loved that when I was younger. I remember being, like, ten and my mom telling me I was too old for it. I told her to shut her whore mouth and renew the damn subscription. (Not really; my mother is far too much of a prude to be a whore.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Also, I should try that peanut butter trick for my mohawk. Charles is an innovator. Not only will he look fantastic, but if he gets hungry during the day he already has a snack RIGHT THERE.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Stephen, I would love to share this on my Two Thumbs Up Tuesday post this week. This post gave me a good laugh!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Over here in the UK, to boys aged 6 and 3, just the very word Trump has them giggling like Beavis and Butthead (I think it has a different meaning over here…)It’s hard to convince them that there are lots of other reasons beyond a daft name why he shouldn’t be president.

    They are, though, instinctively anti-Trump!

    Liked by 1 person

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