September 2, 2016
A few nights ago my wife and I were watching Bachelor In Paradise as one of the boys casually played with toys in front of us. We were pretty engrossed in Ashley’s story line. You see Ashley, whose a virgin, was on the last season of the show and became obsessed with Jared. The two of them struck up a relationship comprised mostly of making out followed up by talking about how they feel “comfortable” around each other.
(Here’s a shot of Ashley and Jared feeling super comfortable with each other)
Ultimately, Jared didn’t feel that making out and being comfortable was enough and broke things off. They came back again this season. Jared came back to find love and Ashley to get back Jared. Ashley spends most of her time crying and insisting she’s still a virgin while watching Jared get intimate with another girl in paradise. In the midst of another one of Ashley’s crying jags, my wife looked at me and said, “I wish Ashley would write a tell all book revealing if she actually slept with Jared.” I looked at her wide eyed and responded, “I’d read the SHIT out of that book.”
This isn’t a compelling story, but it should give you a good idea of the intellectual level that my sons are exposed to. There’s not a lot of deep thought going on in my head.
(“I wish you could buy Devil Dogs in California.”)
Yesterday I spent most of my time at work day dreaming about having the power to make people feel like they were being annoyingly pinched on the back of their arm. I smiled imagining using this power against my enemies. It came in just ahead of having the ability to give people 48 hour UTI’s because that’s mostly a lady thing and who wants a power you can’t use against men as well as women.
(When I watched Stranger Things and saw this girl make a boy pee his pants with her mind, it occurred to me that if I had that power I’d never get anything done.)
Can Arthur and Charles break the cycle and contemplate the world around them in more depth than me? Do I even want them to? I’ve spoken to people who have spent time seriously thinking and forming opinions on important matters and if I’m honest, they bore me most of the time.
There’s a strong possibility that this bike riding artisan coffee shop hipster can lay out a well thought out argument to me about the carbon foot print I’m creating, but odds are while he spoke I’d be thinking, “I bet they don’t have French Vanilla creamers here.”
Even though I lack substance I know enough that the boys have a chance to become deeper than me or my wife. That’s because I’ve seen The Secret Of My Success starring Michael J.Fox.
You see, Fox’s character, Brantley Foster, is a financial wiz trying to make his mark in the corporate world. While living a double life we see that he has plenty of formed opinions on the world, people, life and love. However, Brantley reveals in a tender scene with a very hot Helen Slater that he escaped his rural roots in Indiana and indicates that his parents were complete rubes. See! It can happen. They don’t have to be as limited as I am!! Brantley Foster can break the cycle and so can Arthur and Charles.
And I’m pretty proud that I used a movie that lacks any real substance to prove my point.
Least Favorite Child Results
August 27 – Least Favorite is Charles. No one enjoys a good nap as much as I do…except Charles. When Charles misses his nap he reacts rudely and becomes mean. He’s like a little Donald Trump tweeting in anger. “Dad’s a total loser. Doesn’t get that babies need naps. Sad!!” @RealCharles
August 28 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles is excited that Arthur is starting to walk. He needed something new to knock over.
August 29 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Arthur’s walking now but isn’t as adept at it as quickly as Charles was. I’m I looking at a future of having to console him over the trauma of gym class?
August 30 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles has begun to mimic the dog by barking at him. Charles’ favorite game is fetch. Both the dog and I are a little worried.
August 31 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Arthur sucks at petting the dog. His idea of a pet is really more of a hard hair pull. Unrelated; the dog may be starting his own blog.
September 1 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Sometimes Arthur just lies on his bean bag chair in front of the TV sucking on an empty bottle of milk. He’s kind of like that guy who’s always on the couch in your college apartment but doesn’t actually live there. He’s no Tony Robbins.
Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles
Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two
Arthur – 49
Charles – 44
Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 389