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August 19, 2016

My boys don’t barf that much.  I’d put them right smack in the middle of the pack when it comes to their puking frequency.  But when they do throw up…they do it with such nonchalant style that I can’t help but be impressed.

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Over the weekend both Arthur and Charles impressively tossed their cookies in a 24 hour span.  Arthur was first.  We were driving to have dinner at a fancy restaurant.  Arthur was song styling a tune he’s been playing with for over a month.  He hasn’t told me the title of the song but I call it “La La La.”  As he was happily singing “la la la” in his carefree way he regurgitated roughly one fourth of his body weight all over himself just as I pulled up to the valet parking.  After he finished vomiting, he continued singing “la la la.”  Maybe he was trying to turn “La La La” into more of an interpretive performance piece.  If so, I give him high marks for creative effort, but it didn’t move me like Manilow’s “Weekend In New England.”

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(A beautiful song about New England without one reference to Dunkin Donuts.  Amazing!)

His ability to continue his song while covered in puke demonstrates steely nerves he must get from my wife’s side.  The following day is was Charles turn.  He was turning the pages of his favorite Elmo audio book.  Somewhere around page three or four he started blowing chunks, but at no point during that process did he stop looking through the book.  The sound of his throwing up merged with Big Bird exclaiming, “Elmo likes to play pretend!”  He quite casually and effortlessly pushed a little of the puke that was obscuring his view of Elmo playing pretend.  As I rushed over to hose him off he looked at me and gave me a wry smile.  It wouldn’t have shocked me if he had pointed and winked in my direction as I ran with the roll of paper towels in my hand.

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(I think we’d all like to be able to vomit and maintain the unmatched style of David Niven)

How is it possible that Charles and Arthur, two kids who used to cry when they farted, can be so suave when the contents of their last meal leave their bodies with great force? I don’t want to ask other parents if their toddlers are the same because I don’t want to be disappointed when I inevitably find out that all one to two year old kids are like this.

I’m rethinking my sons’ potential.  Anyone would can keep their cool during the most upsetting and involuntary bodily action can be a force to be reckoned with.

Should they be poker players?

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I don’t play poker but if I did I’d find it pretty unnerving to be sitting across the table from a person hurling yet not batting an eye.  I’m pretty sure that would cause me to fold and leave all the chips on the table.  If the boys go this route they’ll just have to stop putting everything in their mouths.  I’m pretty sure after a few hands I’d remember that the Queen of Diamonds had a big tooth mark in it.

Should they become Super Spies?

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I doubt even 007 could toss his cookies and still manage to be cool enough to land Pussy Galore.  My boys on the other hand might be able to pull it off by simply giving a knowing smile and asking for a “wet wipe.”  And if the bad guys catch them they’d be stymied.  How are you going to torture a guy to get information when he’s insane enough to not clean off or even care that re-purposed milk and sweet potato fries are all over the front of his shirt.

Maybe they should go for the highest office of all!!

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We always ask ourselves who we would want to be in control of “the button.”  Now, I grant you that giving Arthur or Charles anything with a button might ensure Armageddon. However, if we could teach them to control that urge, their vomiting platform could easily win one of them the job of Commander in Chief.  We want someone in the War Room who can keep their wits while everyone is nervously throwing up at the thought of all out war with another country.  I can easily see their campaign commercials.  “Have you ever seen Donald Trump throw up?  Have you ever seen Hillary barf?  NO!!  That’s because they need privacy when they toss their cookies.  They’re ashamed!!  Is that the type of person you want in charge of our country?  Arthur and Charles puke like the greatest leaders in America’s rich history of vomit.  Vote Hurley!  Hurl is even in their name!!”

In these Olympic weeks I’ve watched proud parents on TV witnessing the achievements of their children and I can totally relate.  I’m proud to say the Arthur and Charles are both gold medalists in the sport of Casual Barfing.  Of course when they receive their medals and the Anthem plays it’s going to be a very messy podium.

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Least Favorite Child Results

August 13 – Least Favorite is Charles.  My wife and I took the kids down to the beach for the weekend but used the hotel pool the entire time.  Charles kept diving in head first while on my watch causing my wife to get quite upset with me.  If she winds up divorcing me I’m totally telling Charles it was his fault even though you’re never supposed to that.

August 14 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  This was the night that we were taking the kids to the nice restaurant and Arthur puked just as we pulled up to the valet.  Of course we failed to bring a spare outfit.  If Arthur was trying to tell us we need to be better prepared then the message was received but not appreciated.

August 15 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Although I thoroughly rinsed the puke out of his clothes before putting them in a ziplock bag and packing them in the suitcase, everything had a horrible stench when I opened it up when I got home.  That one puke gave him LFC honors for two straight days.

August 16 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Putting his shoes on in the morning is often a 20 minute ordeal.  Even if it’s regularly my biggest achievement of the day, no one wants to peak at 8am.

August 17 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He’s going through phase where he chews food for a while and then takes it out of his mouth leaving the disgusting wads everywhere.  That’s fine when the dog find them, but he’s getting older and misses stuff.  This causes me to have to pick them up and figure out exactly what I’m holding for a good minute before I realize the horror of what it is.

August 18 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  You know what I DON’T have to do after every meal?  Take a bath because I rub my meal all over myself.  That’s an option for you too, Arthur.  Just saying.

Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles

Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two

Arthur – 44

Charles – 37

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 375

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