It’s Time For The “Talk”

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July 29, 2016

I’m not going to wait until their ten or eleven years old to sit them down and have the “talk.”  I’m not going to ignore the situation entirely and hope that they figure it out on their own either.  They might only be 14 months old but they need to know the truth.  Sesame Street’s Elmo is a douchebag.

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I know I’m not the first to realize this nor am I even the first to write about it.  It’s just finally sunk in with me after a watching a steady barrage of his work and my sons need to know that Elmo is not someone to emulate.

In 2012 Michelle Obama said that becoming President doesn’t change who you are, it reveals who you are.  I think she was talking about Elmo. Elmo has probably always been horrible and becoming a huge celebrity has just revealed the incredible inhumane monster he truly is.

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(Notice how they had to separate the First Lady and Elmo in this photo?)

Three hundred hours into Elmo videos at this point in my sons’ young lives and I’ve already flagged troubling things that make him an asshole.  The first and most annoying thing that stands out is that Elmo always talks about himself in the third person.  Even the world’s biggest egomaniacs don’t do that anymore YET Elmo doesn’t really give a shit.  He’s so enamored with himself he has to say his name out loud thousands of times a day.  Big Bird doesn’t do that.  Grover doesn’t do it.  Even Kermit doesn’t talk about himself in the third person.  But Elmo loves himself so much that I fear my kids will start coming up to me saying, “Charles needs a nap.”  Or “Arthur’s kind of hungry.”

I understand if you think I’m overreacting but his level of narcissism knows no bounds.

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How many people are so self absorbed that they think people will purchase videos of them going to the bathroom? This also happens to be creepy in a kind of “Two Elmo’s One Cup” way.

Elmo’s ego knows no limit.  He makes Kanye West seem humble and soft spoken.

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Elmo has several albums and dozens of songs.  Do you know what the central theme to all of them is?  Elmo.  Take a look at the lyrics for his popular tune, “Elmo’s Song.”

“Lala-lala, lala-lala Elmo’s song.”

“Lala-lala, lala-lala, Elmo’s song.”

“Me write the music, me write the words.”

“That’s Elmo’s song!”

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That’s Elmo’s song all right.  Every single line is crafted to include the words “Elmo” or “me.”  A team of psychotherapists couldn’t break his imposing wall of self admiration.  Other song samplings are “Elmo’s Got The Moves,” “If Elmo Had A Dinosaur” his collaboration with Adam Sandler called “Song About Elmo,” and of course, “Elmo Kills Those Who Displease Him.”  The last one isn’t actually one of his songs…yet.

Elmo also endorses more products than Donald Trump.

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USA, Indiana, Indianapolis food, shrimp and steaks at St. Elmo Steak House.

I still need to verify that this last one is legit, but Elmo is definitely not above calling himself St. Elmo.

And don’t fool yourself and think that’s he’s just a benign children’s character.  He’ll stop at nothing to feed his enormous ego.

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As we can see here, he’s ingesting a cute little latino boy.  That’s his dark secret.  He doesn’t love kids.  He loves himself and he loves devouring children.

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Look at this poor little girl who was trying to run away from Elmo as he consumed her.  It’s horrifying.

All I’m saying is that I’d like my kids to become invested in a fun loving character who’s a little more self deprecating.  This means all I need to do is start dressing up in a fuzzy costume and become…fun loving.  I’ve got the low self esteem down pat.

Least Favorite Child Results

July 23 – Least Favorite is Charles.  We’re at a point we’re rewarding Charles when he says something by giving him what he wants.  That means when he screams, “Keys” I have to give him my keys.  That means I search for my keys every morning for a half an hour.

July 24 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He’s picked up another of my traits.  Smelly feet.  Talking off his shoes at the end of the day is just another reminder of one of my many flaws.

July 25 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  I can always figure out why Charles is crying.  It’s almost always linked to something he wants or something I’ve taken away from him.  With Arthur it’s a guessing game.  He might be crying because of the lack of solid platform delivered at the RNC Convention for all I know.

July 26 – Least Favorite is Charles.  I guess I know why Arthur cries some times.  It’s because Charles runs over him with his stroller as if he’s a piece of rug lint.

July 27 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Can you please give us a few words Arthur so we can cling to some hope that you won’t be the kid in elementary school that “goes at his own pace.”

July 28 – Least Favorite is Charles.  What was I forced to watch while Hillary Clinton made her historic speech?  Elmo.

Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles

Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two

Arthur – 34

Charles – 29

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 354

 

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15 thoughts on “It’s Time For The “Talk””

  1. Che belli i muppets :un ricordo meraviglioso

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:

    Having worked on `Barney and Friends,’ I can speak to this blog. It is accurate. It is true. Elmo is maniacal. Apparently, in another life, he was so abominable that they set fire to him. A movie was made about it in the 80’s, I think. Has history taught us nothing?

    Mr. Hurley – once again, your prose is outstanding. Thank you for the hearty laughs.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Those shorts look like Elmo is set against the blazes of Hell. Which is appropriate, I think.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Those child-devouring hooded onesies are hysterical! Also terrifying. My kids have never had much time for Elmo – say what you will about their disrespect for hygiene, they’re excellent judges of character.

    Charles mowing Arthur down with the stroller: priceless!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s been about 15 years since my boys watched Elmo. I never thought to go so deep as you into what they were watching! I am horrified I let them continue to watch this monster. lol You are hilarious and thanks for the laugh again today. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. the moppers nice

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Interesting perspective on Sesame Street character, Elmo, whom I never thought to look at this persona in such light. Actually, when we examine many other child-like characters, we will find deeper meanings and make inferences on an adult level about objectionable traits.
    Hopefully, we keep it light and use any conflicting messages to teach positive, pro-social attitudes and behaviors to our children. Funny, though!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. catching20 said:

    I log on to attempt to write something, and end up reading an entire blog about Elmo. More than that, I regret nothing. This was a wondrous take on that Rat Bastard, Elmo.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. Rich_the_Roo said:

    I knew that little red bastard was up to no good ever since he started tricking children into “tickling” him! Fine piece of investigative journalism.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. This had me belly laughing, its the funniest thing Ive read for a while. Thankyou!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Haha, hilarious writing! You’re making me question my parenting abilities After reading all that and knowing I let them watch Elmo. 😳

    Liked by 2 people

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