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June 10, 2016

I emailed my Mother a video a few days ago that signified a milestone moment.  It was a video showing Charles saying his first word, “EAT.”  Her email reply took the wind out of my sails of excitement.  Basically she wrote, “Isn’t that cute.”  She didn’t say he was a genius nor did she comment that he was advanced past the typical baby.  Just that his first was “cute.”


And I have to admit it.  She was right.  As far as first words go, it was kind of an unimpressive debut.  It’s not like he uttered “photosynthesis.” Out of interest I asked her what my first word was and she had absolutely no recollection, so obviously I didn’t blow the barn doors off. I also made a note to myself that on my next visit I might have to take my Mom’s “World’s Greatest Mother” mug away from her.

She did remember that my older sister’s first word was “shit.”  This early evidence of a potty mouth was credited to my father’s salty language.  But it serves as proof that if you want your first word to be remembered, or anything in life for that matter, it needs to be LOUD and it needs to be impressive.

It’s too late to fix Charles’ unremarkable first, but there’s still a chance with my other babbling idiot, Arthur!


It’s not like both of these kids haven’t mistakenly said words amidst their endless gibberish.  I know for a fact that I’ve heard Charles say the word, “ennui.”  But the odds that he was trying to explain the feeling of utter weariness while he was bashing plastic blocks against a toy truck are pretty low.  Of course, I did watch the French Connection a few weeks ago while he was in the room so maybe he’s a bit of a francophile.


Not long ago while driving I heard Arthur utter a word that sound extremely close to bucolic. Is it possible that he was enjoying the view of a lovely rural setting?  Doubtful, we were driving through a car wash.

But I want Arthur’s first word to be memorable and for him to know what he’s saying.  So I’ve looked at lists of the most beautiful words in the English language and am going to try to drill them mercilessly into his tiny skull.


Dalliance would be a fantastic first word.  I’m sure I can teach him this although the situation that would prompt him to say it is a little ambiguous.  I’ve seen him play with his toys and he has a dalliance with all of them.  I guess I’d need to teach him to say this word the second he drops one of them.  I like the image of him throwing his stuffed giraffe down and saying “dalliance” before moving on to an empty yogurt container.


Embrocation is another good choice.  It’s a whale of a word but let’s face it, as raw as his ass gets there’s plenty of occasion to use a word that indicates that act of moistening and rubbing a diseased part.  Four syllables is a lot to take on though.  He’s said each of these syllables separately though so there’s hope.


Forbearance is one of my favorite words that I never use because who wants to be the type of asshole who uses it in conversation.  But if a baby said it that would be awesome.  Of course teaching a word that means patience and lenience to a child who cries hysterically if I don’t hold him upside down repeatedly is going to be way off the mark.


Nope.  I think if this was his first word he’d come off as a douchebag.

Maybe I’m concentrating too much on impressive words and not loud words like my sister did when she exclaimed “shit” as her first.

A phrase like Ass Badger, Jizz Monkey or Fuck Stick is going to not only get you remembered but well liked by the type of crowd I tend to associate with.  Clearly there’s a lot for me to figure out and I need to do it quickly.

As far as my Mother having no recollection of my first word, I kind of think it entitles me to make up my own first word.  I don’t know what it’s going to be yet but at the moment I’m leaning toward “thundercunt.”

Least Favorite Child Results

June 4 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He has an ability to lose his shit whenever I take something from him that he shouldn’t be holding.  My wife says he’ll grab whatever we usually hold because he sees it as valuable.  I’ve now been reduced to sitting in my living room holding a toy trucks while I watch TV.

June 5 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  I love him but there’s no avoiding the fact that he’s a pussy when it comes to having a cold.  He passes every cold he has onto me yet I never throw myself on the ground and wail uncontrollably.  OK, maybe one.

June 6 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  I’m giving this pick to the dog.  When I pick these kids up from their high chairs after a meal, half of what Charles has been served falls on the floor for Winston.  Arthur leaves very little on the floor for Winston.

June 7 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Explosive poos.  If it were a sports league, recruiters would be at the door asking to speak with Charles.

June 8 – Least Favorite is Charles.  His sneezes are just as explosive as his poos…and are usually done on the TV remote.  Should anyone reading this ever meet me DON’T ever shake my hand when I extend it.

June 9 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He has a lot of hair and in the morning one of the jobs I’ve been given is to comb it, which I’ve never done to my wife’s satisfaction.  So I blame Arthur for the first disappointment I deal my wife every day.

Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles

Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two

Charles – 8

Arthur – 11


Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 306