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May 27, 2016

One of my favorite photos of me when I was still an infant is a picture of me in our family yard.  I’m sitting in a bouncy seat, calmly smiling with a Gram Cracker in one hand.  Behind me you can see my three year old brother.  He’s tied to a tree with a rope.

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He didn’t have it as bad as this kid.  My Mom gave him enough slack to get around reasonably, but this photographic evidence of her parenting skills was a running joke in our family for years.  She never apologized for her old school parenting methods and I know why.  My brother exhausted her.  He was always into something that would unintentionally hurt himself or even put others in the way of great harm or incredible annoyance.  Like the time when he was four, grabbed a garden hose and sprayed my Mother’s friend who were over for lunch, one by one as they left the house. It was like a firing squad with a four year old holding the trigger.

Only now can I sympathize with my Mother because one of my twins is just like my brother.  His name is Charles.

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We had to take this picture quickly because it was one of the few moments when he wasn’t moving.  If he’s awake he’s always moving.  He’s always looking for a door to potentially slam on his hand…or his brother’s hand if the opportunity is available.  He’s constantly looking for something large, like a bookcase, that he can try to shake onto himself.  He’s never seen a child proofed outlet he didn’t try to unproof, a power strip that couldn’t be swung like a lasso, or a dog’s tail he couldn’t wrap his arms around and play a fun game of tug of war.  The kid is a menace.  He’s my brother.  He’s why my Mom was EXHAUSTED.

When he started walking 6 or 7 weeks ago, it was clear he was going to be a problem.  On day one, he was pacing back and forth looking for trouble.  Now, we have a fenced in play area that I like to put he and his brother in.  Some might see it as a jail, but even so, it’s a fun jail with lots of cool toys.  I think of it more as a spa.

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My wife insists on letting them out of the spa so they can explore and develop.  That’s a big part of the problem.  I tried to make lemonade from lemons with this dilemma.  I figured, if I was going to have to chase this kid all over the house, at least I’d lose some weight in the process.  How could I not?  I’m constantly squatting to pick him up, run over to him moments before he puts an electrical chord in his mouth, and holding iPhones and TV remotes skillfully out of his reach.  It’s a non stop cardio experience and it would seem inevitable that the pounds would start falling off of me.  But for some reason, unknown to man, you don’t lose weight endlessly keeping up with an infant/toddler.  It’s a secret that no one tells you.

I don’t understand it.  Did having children change my molecular structure so that it’s impossible for me to burn a calorie?  Are the calories I take in the biological equivalent of Daenerys Targaryen in Game of Thrones?  They just can’t be burned?

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(When it comes to losing weight I’ve become the Mother of Dragons)

Is there anyone who knows anything about science who can explain this to me?  Because keeping up with Charles is pretty much the equivalent of running endlessly on a treadmill while eating really shitty tasteless pizza at the same time.

It’s why no one has incorporated babies into a video workout series.

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Clearly we’ve gone as far as we can go with workout videos and babies never got their shot for a reason.  You just can’t lose weight in their presence.  This being the case, if I had my choice of exercise class, I would prefer to take part a low impact class by exclusively watching Arthur.

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He doesn’t walk yet.  The most he does it stand up for a moment, look around and realize there’s nothing that captures his interest, and sits back down to play with whatever is within reach. He won’t even strain for a toy.  He’ll just let it come to him at some point. I can keep up with him AND catch up on House of Cards.  I’m not going to lose weight anyway, so why do I need to have beads of sweat running down the crack of my ass?

Of course I learned in science class years ago that matter cannot be destroyed, it can only be displaced.  That means that in order to lose weight I need someone to gain weight.  That could be what the problem is.  So do me a favor if you’re reading this.  Have a bunch of cheeseburgers this weekend and we’ll see what the scale says on Monday.  If there’s no change, Charles is going back to the spa.

Least Favorite Child Results

May 20 – Least Favorite Child is Charles.  It’s a new year and Charles is clearly looking to start off strong in year two by giving us concerns that he may be lactose intolerant.  Although his puking is really more of the concern.

May 21 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He’s become extremely whiny for no reason.  He might just be trying out new sounds.  If that’s the case he should scrap this one and move on.  It’s not working for anyone.

May 22 – Least Favorite is Charles.  The classic poop all the way up his back first thing in the morning.  Sometimes it’s nice to use the old standards to win the day.

May 23 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He’s still whining.

May 24 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Still whining.  We think he might have new teeth coming in.  It’s interesting that our first reaction is annoyance as opposed to concern.

May 25 – Least Favorite is Charles.  It’s impossible for him to see his brother holding something and not take it from him.  He’s kind of a dick that way.  His actions trigger more whining from Arthur, but that’s on Charles.

May 26 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Any time I can’t find him all I need to do is go to a room with a full length mirror.  That’s where he’ll be.  Looking at himself and saying, you’re the twin I’ve always wanted and deserved.  I don’t reward narcissism.

Least Favorite Child Year One – Charles

Total Days As Least Favorite Child – Year Two

Charles – 3

Arthur – 4

 

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 292

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