Babies’ One Year Performance Review


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May 19, 2016

As it just so happens the boys’ annual performance review is in sync with my own.  Not as a father but at work.  My performance review as a father is given to me daily from my wife and I don’t expect a raise any time soon.

It’s a stressful time for all of us.  The boys are masking their stress by playing with toys and trying to take their fingers off in door jams and we’re all shitting out pants.  I’m sure the same things are going through all of our minds.  There’s the best case scenario.  You get called into the boss’s office and are told you’re doing such a great job that not only are they going to extend you for another year but they are going to pay you even more than the contractually agreed upon price.

(“Congratulations, Declan.  We asked you to start looking like a hipster in a suit at last year’s review and you knocked it out of the park!”)

Of course you can’t help but think of the worst case scenario.  Your boss looks at you and asks what you actually do every day and your left to explain that you encourage a friendly atmosphere by bringing half and half into the employee kitchen and don’t gripe when others use it for their own coffee.


(“We need you to be a lot more like Declan, Ted.”)

Because my review is coming up and, unlike the Hindus I believe that karma can be transferred within one’s lifetime, I’m going to take it really easy on the boys.  What goes around comes around.  Here it goes.



Take a breath, Charles.  We’re going to keep you around.  You’re a natural.  It’s like you’ve been a baby your entire life, that’s how easy you make it look.  You’ve started to walk around like someone who just drank a full bottle of Jager, and who doesn’t love a funny drunk.  Technically, you beat your brother to speaking, by saying my name.  Of course, I made the leap and have accepted my name as Dadadadadadadada as opposed to just the traditional “Dada.”  Nicknames are usually shorter, but even longer ones are still fun.  I appreciate that you keep to a pretty specific poop schedule where your damage is done during the day while I’m at work.  That type of thoughtfulness will always be rewarded.

There’s always room for improvement.  I don’t want you to become a perfect baby because we all know that no one likes somebody who’s perfect.  Still here a few things to work on.  I know you can read my mind and that’s impressive but don’t feel the need to do the opposite of what I want you to do.  It’s impressive that you know exactly what I don’t want you to pick up and walk around with, but I get it.  You don’t have to take my iPhone, TV remote or attempt to yank the cable box out of the wall to prove your clairvoyance.  And sure, you’ve tapped into my brain to know that I also don’t want you to put any of these things in your mouth but you still don’t have to prove your skills by doing just that.  And I know that I’ve put your pacifier in my mouth before but that doesn’t count.  My hands were full and I didn’t have an available pocket at those moments.



Arthur, you’re going to very happy with this meeting as well which should come as no surprise.  After all, your brother got a great review and HE was my Least Favorite Child this year, making you number one!

You’ve figured out early on that every baby need to have their “thing” and quickly decided that hanging upside down would be yours.  Knowing that simply turning you in the wrong direction will send you into a fit of laughter is a quick way to show people that I’m the type of fun dad who can always get a quick giggle out of my kids. Appearances are everything. What are the long term effects of constantly letting all the blood in your 23 pound body rush to your head?  No one really knows, and I certainly won’t be taking the time to research it, but for now I think we can both enjoy your calling card.  Nothing ever seems to bring you down and your very content to play by yourself for hours on end talking jibberish to yourself.  It’s always possible that you are an emotional ticking time bomb, but we’re focusing on this past year, not the years to come when you become a moody, goth style loner who keeps reminding me that I don’t understand you and I never will.

There are very few areas you need to improve on.  Maybe you could cut down on the quick random screams at night like you’re remembering a horrific battle you fought in Viet Nam.  Then again, maybe I shouldn’t watch Platoon while I feed you and your brother.  I’d also love it if the smell of your poops and your fart has a slight variation.  Daddy hates taking off a diaper for a fart.  Just something to keep in mind.  Last thing, try to do a little better when it comes to taking a picture.  I don’t need you to become a runway model but cracking a smile like your brother seems to manage every time we take a photo, would put you in Hall of Fame status as a baby.


(Lighten up a little Arthur.  You’re playing!)

Overall, well done on both your parts.  And if you get a chance guys, put in a good word for me with by boss.

Least Favorite Child Results

Although Charles wrapped up the title, we may as well see how the last few days of the year turned out for them.

May 14 – Least Favorite was Charles.  It’s probably the big pimple on his cheek that’s turning me off.  Or maybe that he seems so secure about himself with such a large blemish.

May 15 – Least Favorite was Arthur AND Charles.  Although Sunday was my birthday, the entire day revolved around them.  My pleas of “It’s my day” when asked to help with the boys from my wife were met with laughter that changed rapidly to anger.

May 16 – Least Favorite was Arthur.  He crawls off and disappears quite a bit but I always know where to find him.  Right in front of his bedroom mirror looking like Marsha Brady combing her hair in the Romeo and Juliet episode of the Brady Bunch.  A lot of ego at a young age.

May 17 – Least Favorite was Charles.  The zit is even bigger.

May 18 – Least Favorite was Arthur.  Sometimes he’s happy with the diaper he’s got on regardless of its condition.  He’ll let you know this by letting out an armor piercing yell while you change him.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 142

Arthur – 136

Days Tied – 2

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 285

It’s been a wild ride Neil.  And you’ve been kind of a disappointment.



10 thoughts on “Babies’ One Year Performance Review”

  1. Too funny!!! Neil Patrick Harris?? off to read 🙂


  2. Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:

    The more I read your blog, the more I’m reminded what a great blog should be. Well done! And happy birthday!


  3. Zits are a teenage angst. Babies and kids never even notice their there. Me? I only notice them because they hurt at my age — skin loses its elasticity as it ages you know — especially when they’re right beside my nose. WTF, body? Really? >_< But I love the image of Arthur at his mirror, and with that head of hair, who can blame him?


  4. Aidan not Aiden said:

    I always look forward to your posts and reading them to cut through the coma-inducing monotony of my office job. It’s tough to fall asleep when I’m trying to keep everyone else in the office from noticing the giggling.

    Good luck next year, boys!


  5. Love, Love this! I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. The laughter was mainly because I can relate with the struggle but wish I had more of a since of humor about it when my kiddos were that young. Now I have 1 teen, 2 pre-teens, and an elementary aged one going on 40, lol. I look forward to reading more!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey, I think you’re neat and I nominated you for a mythical award…check out my latest post if you don’t believe me!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Omg that is hilarious. Good luck with the next 12 months

    Liked by 1 person

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