May 13, 2016
With their birthday coming up in just five days the outcome is already decided. Charles was My Least Favorite Child this year. Don’t get me wrong. Charles is a fantastic guy. The reason he won the dubious honor this year is the same reason that his brother Arthur is more than likely to win the honors next year. Charles does stuff. He was just ahead of his brother in all the milestone from teeth to walking. In other words, he was much more of a pain in the ass. If you’re looking for a baby to help you burn calories, Charles is your guy. If you’re looking for a baby you can plop down quietly while you make a grilled cheese sandwich without having to keep your eye on what he’s getting into, go with Arthur.
Here’s a photo that says it all.
These are their natural states. Charles, constantly moving and into all sorts of things. Arthur, sitting back, observing and wondering when the next meal is coming. Honestly, choosing a favorite wasn’t hard.
Although, mathematically, it’s impossible for Arthur to catch Charles in terms of days ranked as Least Favorite, I was wondering this morning if there was anyway he could still win the title with only five days left. I think there are only two ways it could happen and both are long shots.
The first way to beat his brother and win the honor is that he’d have to murder someone. I don’t have a lot of rules, but if one of my kids takes another human life then they are awarded Least Favorite Child honors for at least a year. Maybe more depending on the trial process.
I’m not saying there’s no way Arthur couldn’t murder a person, but things would really have to fall into his lap for him to pull it off. Babies are poor murderers. Arthur can’t even walk yet, so the element of surprise is not in his favor. He also babbles non stop so sneaking up on his victim is problematic. If you give him a gun that weighs the same size as either my iPhone or TV remote then he would have the ability to hold a murder weapon, but odds are he’d just put the murder weapon in his mouth like he does with everything. Babies also get distracted easily, and Arthur is no exception. If he’s going up to someone with the intention of doing them in, and they happen to be wearing a shirt with buttons, then the intended victim in going to have plenty of time to get away.
He likes to close doors. That might be his best chance. If someone pokes their head in an oven and he’s behind them that’s when he could strike. See, things really have to fall right for him. For the record I won’t be using the stove for the nest five days.
The other way for Charles to avoid winning the prize this year, is if he can somehow invent a Time Machine.
This a pretty daunting task. In five days, Charles would have to buckle down, build the machine and do a quick test run to make sure it works. Maybe he goes back to 1865 to prevent Abe Lincoln from being shot. Then again, maybe he goes back just a few days to figure out where he left his favorite pacifier.
(Charles working with his prototype)
After he completes a successful test run, hopefully not disturbing the balance of the universe so that when he returns we all have fish heads, he’ll have to go back to the day I began my blog in June and prevent it from happening. How does he do that? He’d have to explain to me the dire consequences my blog will have not only on his and his brother’s future but for all of civilization.
I’m just vain enough to believe that my blog could have enough of an impact to destroy humanity. Of course in order to do this, Charles will also have to learn how to speak in the next five days. Another big ask. Five days to build a time machine and learn how to speak? Good luck with that. He’s too busy constantly trying to pull off his own diaper to get all of these things done. If I gave him a a couple of weeks notice, maybe, but on this timeline he’s screwed.
So barring these two events, murder and time travel, Charles has won! Of course, I keep looking up as I write this expecting future Charles to come through my office door, while also looking behind me to see if Arthur has a tiny little shiv.
Least Favorite Child Results
May 7 – Least Favorite is Arthur. It’s like he knows he’s got it in the bag and is on his worst behavior. On this day it was clear he had no respect for the sanctity of a fresh diaper. On two occasions he chose to take big dumps just seconds after his swaddler was placed on his.
May 8 – Least Favorite was Charles. Charles has lots of teeth and he’s proud. Proud enough to remind me by biting me when I least expect it.
May 9 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Both the boys are fascinated with my glasses. Arthur happened to yank them off along with a couple of stray eyebrow hairs. And once again, my wife reminded me that I’m only allowed a small window to complain about an injury sustained by an infant.
May 10 – Least Favorite is Arthur. His mortal enemy when he goes to sleep is the spinning mobile that hangs above his crib. Rather than sleep he prefers to taunt it with gibberish before grabbing it with violent yanks as it play sweet lullabies.
May 11 – Least Favorite is Charles. Some morning you just aren’t ready to run into that morning person who’s ready to seize the day and be the best baby they can be. Charles needs to give me a little warm up time.
May 12 – Least Favorite is Charles. He lets me know every day that the dog bring me humor to the table than I do. I got a few chuckles from him, but clearly I need to licking the yogurt off his face to rank close to Winston.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 140
Arthur – 134
Days Tied – 1
Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 278