May 5, 2016
One of the indelible memories of my Mother is that she always had a supply of Kleenex tucked in the sleeve of her shirt or sweater. I always found this odd. But it certainly came in handy. She never had to go very far if she needed to blow her nose and if you happened to sneeze in her presence she could whip out a tissue from her wrist like Spider-Man shot webs out of his, in order to travel from building to building. She was like a Superhero for the cold and flu season.
(God bless you!!)
I’ve finally figured out why she needed to store snot rags in her garments. She had four kids, so of course she was always sick. I have two, 11 month old boys. They hang out with other babies, and all of them take turns being sick. As a result, I never miss my turn and am constantly sick. I have been congested and headachey for three months now and it’s finally occurred to me that for the next several years, I am going to be sick. I’ve been blowing my nose now for ninety days and I realize that this will be my station in life until my kids are about seven years old. I choose that number arbitrarily, because I don’t want to bother researching when kids build up a reliable immune system.
(Hey there, Dad! How about a big hug!!)
Unlike my Mother who had four kids ranging in age from 6 to 1 years old, I’m at least getting it out of the way in one swoop by having twins, but that’s little consolation when you realize you’re going to be congested for seven years.
I have a cure for this problem but unfortunately I don’t have the resources. What I’d like to do is place my entire family in a bubble.
I’m sure you’re thinking, Steve, you don’t need a bubble. Just don’t let anyone leave the house. Whatever! I think the bubble makes a statement. I also feel it will provide more security for family members who want to escape. After a few months in the Bubble, the colds will have run their course and we’ll be living in a clean environment. At least as sterile as possible with a dog that sheds a lot of hair and two adults who are generally slobs.
As far as work, everything I do can be done without having to physically show up to work. And I don’t think my co-workers are going to miss my constant phlegmy cough. Take it from me. The looks I get from them are not looks of concern. They’re more like the looks that guy in the movie theater scene in Outbreak got when he went to the concession stand.
(“Hey, Steve. We were wondering if you were going to that 1pm production meeting.”)
If anyone is worried about the socialization of my children, don’t bother. I have twins. They can learn from each other, cable tv and their parents. All of that can provide them with a much more stable foundation than the Duggar children.
My wife is a dog trainer, but she can do that on skype, right? We get our food and liquor delivered. The only think I’m missing is a separate area where I can install a dark Irish sports bar to get away from it all and have a few drinks and watch a game. I’d have to build and staff that. Again, I mentioned I don’t have the resources anyway.
I figure after about twenty years, we can lose the Bubble and re-introduce the boys into the world just like Brendan Fraser in Blast From The Past.
And if that movie taught us anything, it’s that people isolated in a contained area for a long period of time thrive once they get out.
The Bubble is just a dream though. Something to get me through the next several years of blowing my nose on paper towels that make my nose red and sore because I’ve exhausted all the Kleenex and baby wipes. Will I tell my sons when they’re about to have their own children that they are going to have a seven year cold? No way! My parents didn’t give me a heads up, so this is the societal cycle of payback. I’ll just say “God bless you.” with a shit eating grin.
Least Favorite Child Results
So I didn’t post for a couple of weeks. Work took my away from my regular schedule. Rather than give you a day by day breakdown let me just score the boys from April 15 through April 30.
Least Favorite Days for Arthur – 9
Least Favorite Days for Charles – 6
Let’s just say that Arthur has developed a little bit of a whine that can make him less charming than I know he’s capable of being.
Rest of the days
May 1 – Least Favorite is Charles. I don’t mind that he takes Arthur’s pacifier even when he has his own. It’s that he makes them disappear like a young David Copperfield.
May 2 – Least Favorite is Charles. Does the first big puke count as a milestone? Up until now, his throw up was pretty benign, but what came out of his mouth on this day even the dog wouldn’t touch.
May 3 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Unlike his brother, Arthur isn’t very mobile. He has developed a system to protect himself from more active babies however. That’s a unsettling scream that puts everyone on their heels and stops them dead in their tracks. It’s the only thing that makes me forget I have a constant cold. Little consolation.
May 4 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Charles has it all over his brother in the sleep department. Once Charles’ large noggin hits his crib you could draw a chalk outline around his cute little body. Arthur likes to wake up four or five times because he’d rather you find the pacifier stuck up his ass then do the work himself.
The boys turn one year in a couple of weeks and the handwriting is on the wall. Unless Arthur murders someone, which he could do with his unsettling scream, Charles is going to be this year’s Least Favorite Child.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 137
Arthur – 131
Days Tied – 1
Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 271