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April 18, 2016

There are two types of guys.  Actually there are three types, but I’m not going to talk about the type of guy who agrees to get professional portrait photos taken when he gets engaged.

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(Soldier on you Poor Slob.  You’ve set the bar for the rest of your relationship)

I have consistently found in life that there are two distinct types of men.  Guys who love strip clubs and guys who’d rather stay away.  And for anyone who says, “What about gay men, Steve”?  I’ve found it’s pretty much the same for them.  I have plenty of gay friends and about half of them love strip clubs.  I’m guessing it’s the pageantry.

I’ve never been a big strip club guy.  It’s not that I don’t like seeing nude women.  It’s pretty great actually.  I’d just rather not see nude women as part of a large group of guys.  I think I find it unsettling to hang around a hundred men with huge boners.  Maybe I’m focusing on the wrong thing but that’s how it is.

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I feel the same way about going to a bachelor party and having to chip in to get Ted, the bachelor, a lap dance.  It’s a creepy thing to take up a fund for, and I don’t want to find myself ten dollars short for lunch one day because I helped gift an orgasm to Ted.

The drink prices are another reason I’m not a big fan.  I don’t have expensive tastes.  Over the years my pallet and taste buds have effectively been destroyed by cheap beer and Marlboro Reds.  The benefit is not having to pay top dollar for the expensive micro-brew with the shockingly cool name.

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(I’ve saved thousands of dollars NOT drinking beer given clever names by 28 year old beer aficionados)

Give me one of these any day of the week.  But don’t charge me $10 for it just because it happens to be in very close proximity to uncovered boobs!

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I don’t mean to get all Kid Rock in this post.  To me, it’s a tasty cheap beer.  If I’m guilt-tipping Tabatha, on Stage 3, isn’t that enough?

Like a typical Dad, I looked at my 11 month old boys the other day and wondered, which one of them will be Strip Club Guy?  It took me about 2 seconds to figure it out.  Charles is Strip Club Guy.

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Technically, in this photo he’s giving a lap dance, but look at him.  Passed out on formula with no inhibitions at all.  He’s also the loud one, so it’s easy to see future Charles screaming and waving a five dollar bill at a woman wearing pasties. He’s an act first, think second type of guy.  That’s who Strip Club Guy is.

Arthur on the other hand is much more like me.  He’s subdued, prefers to hang out by himself and when he looks at others it’s with a good deal of contempt and disgust.

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This photo was taken while Charles was being intimate with the large bear.  Arthur is just being aloof and biding his time until he goes home and he can leave Charles’ creepy loud behavior behind him.

This means Arthur has a minimum of three strip club visits in his life.  The first is the one where he goes and figures out, like his old man, it’s a sticky environment that features scores of men expressing their base urges.  The second will be when he has to throw Charles’ bachelor party and knows that he’ll be upset if the strip club isn’t part of the evening.  And the third is when Charles throws Arthur’s bachelor party and takes him to the strip club even though Arthur doesn’t want to go, because he’s…STRIP CLUB GUY!

Buck up, Arthur.  It’s not that bad.  It’s not like going to the dentist or having to have professional portraits taken with your wife when she’s pregnant.

Charlotte Family with a young child and a baby has their portrait made in an outdoor field by professional photographer.

(The look in this guy’s eyes says it all.  Help!)

And the nice thing about identifying who is who so early on is that I know what to get Charles for his birthdays!

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Least Favorite Child Results

April 9 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Arthur has hair.  Hair needs maintenance.  That means every morning one of my jobs is brushing his hair.  The result rarely pleases my wife.  Thanks, Arthur.  I like to wait until 10/11am before disappointing your Mother.

April 10- Least Favorite is Charles. Charles will never be the favorite on bath night.  Containing the little bastard after the adrenaline surge of playing with the rubber duck in a bath is impossible.  I just let him run around naked and tire himself out.

April 11 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  It’s nice than he doesn’t move around as much as his brother but then you have to say, “Why doesn’t he move around as much as his brother.”  Arthur, don’t you realize that as I parent I have to obsess and worry about everything?!

April 12 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles is way ahead as far as crawling, standing and almost walking.  That mean you have to keep an eye on him at all times.  Arthur can be left in one place for an entire episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  When the episode is over he hasn’t gone very far.  I like that.

April 13 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Stop making wheezing noises.  It’s concerning.

April 14 – Least Favorite is Charles. Stop stepping on your brother to get a better vantage point outside your play area.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 129

Arthur – 120

Days Tied – 1

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 257

Whatever, Neil.  When I hit the year mark I quit you.

 

 

 

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