April 1, 2016
Months ago I wrote about how I loved to judge others and felt it was my responsibility to pass this skill on to my sons. The judging I wrote about back then focused on people we run into in our day to day lives. But with the advent of social media, who do we actually run into physically anymore. That’s the wonderful thing about Facebook and other outlets. We can now judge others without having to leave the comfort of our homes. So, I’ll begin with a brief tutorial for my boys on how to judge others on Facebook.
The types of people I mention here are merely scratching the surface. I don’t want to do all the work for Arthur and Charles. Just merely call out a few to get the ball rolling so they can figure out how to make their own judgements. I want them to be just as judgy as me, but I don’t want to confine their judgements so they are just parroting mine.
The Person Who Posts The Popular Viral Video A Month After Everyone Else
Someone in my feed posted the two escaped llamas video last week with the update, “Have you seen this? Hilarious!” Let’s just judge how connected this person is to others in general. If they’re just finding the two llamas viral video now, odds are they’re the strange one at work. Probably works in data entry. Probably cooks fish occasionally in the work kitchen microwave but no one says anything directly to him because that would involve a face to face conversation and the last time that happened he talked about how he always wanted to be a geologist for an hour. You’ve been judged!
The Inspirational Meme Poster
These people are usually devoid of any real substance. That’s why they’re using someone else words instead of their own. Quite often the people who post these are just days or weeks away from having a complete nervous breakdown so it’s a good idea to keep your eye on their Facebook account. There are very few things more enjoyable than watching someone steadily meltdown on social media. Odds are they’ve binged watch Fuller House and eaten a half gallon of Baskin Robbins Mint Chocolate Chip before posting their meme with a single tear running down their cheek. You’ve been judged!
The Person Who Posts, “Making Muffins, Mmmmm!”
Not unlike the inspirational meme poster, this person might very close to a total meltdown. They might also be one of those people who makes you wonder of they had a lobotomy. They have very likely settled in the town they grew up in and spend a lot of time wishing they could get the old high school gang back together for a wild night out even though they weren’t very popular in high school. Judged.
The Ambiguous Poster
“Feeling sad.” “People suck.” “Please say a prayer for me today.” All common updates from the ambiguous poster. Talk about NEEDY. They’re pretending that they don’t want to share when it’s clear they’re desperate for people to private message them asking, What’s wrong!”? If you can’t get specific in yours posts don’t drag me into having to go the extra mile to find out that someone didn’t invite you to some after work social event because, like the person who is posting viral videos months after they first came out, you made fish in the office kitchen. Judged!
People Who Posts Their Blogs
I’m not immune from my own judgement. Let’s face it, if we’re asking people to read our thoughts we clearly have a self inflated ego that makes us think what we have to say is worthy of people’s time. Is anyone’s day so totally stark and devoid of interest that this blog is going to add a moment of levity or enlightenment? I can see that I’ve already reached the 650 word count of this blog and feel like apologizing to anyone who has invested their time. Although another part of me is realizes I’m really fishing for a complimt in my tragically insecure way. How sad. You (I’ve) been judged!!
The Achievement Posters
Congratulations on your great test score, the audition you nailed, or rate of inflation raise you received after a wonderful performance review. Some of us aren’t achieving anything day to day and quite frankly, neither are you. Tell the person next to you about it. No one there? It’s because they’re sick of hearing you talk about yourself. I work in TV. I see these posts on a constant basis. You’d vomit in your mouth if you saw all the people patting themselves on the back when the Daytime Emmy Nominations are announced and some show they are overworked and underpaid on gets a nomination for Best Afternoon Court Show. Judged!
While were at it a few last quick judgements
- If you are in every single photo you post on Facebook, you’re way too self involved.
- If you aren’t in a single Facebook photo you post, we’ve figured out your fat.
Ok, that should get the ball rolling for my Boys and satisfies my daily need to feel superior to others in a very inferior way.
Least favorite Child Results
March 26 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles know that the easiest path to Least Favorite is making acrobatic moves during a diaper change. On this day he nailed the floor routine while managing to spread poop over all of us. He doesn’t mind. It’s his poop.
March 27 – Least Favorite is Charles. We went someone where nice for Easter as guests of good friends. Charles expressed his gratitude with a lot of random tears.
(Arthur clearly appreciates the country club vibe more than his brother)
March 28 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Arthur knows that another easy path to Least Favorite status is randomly screaming in the night. He’s too young for night terrors so he is clearly being a jerk.
March 29 – Least Favorite is Charles. Our Boys don’t get seriously sick but they get a lot of colds, which they also pass on to their parents. I realize that I’m in the early stages of a four year cold. It always starts with Charles. He’s the monkey in the movie Outbreak.
March 30 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Charles is still going through a Daddy phase which is flattering. Arthur is going through a phase of complete apathy. Less flattering.
March 31 – Least Favorite is Charles. My arm hurts from holding these boys while feeding them at night. Charles is two pounds heavier than is brother making him more of a problem.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 124
Arthur – 113
Days Tied – 1
Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 241