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March 18, 2016

Now that I’m a Dad it’s my responsibility to find a teaching moment whenever I can.  So when I saw that Jared Fogle got beaten up in prison my first thought after thinking, “Good!  I hope that’s the first of many beatings Jared receives,” was that so few babies ever receive the proper training on how to handle themselves in the joint.

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(Kind of appropriate that his foam #1 finger exclaims, “Go Monsters!)

I read the stories about the Fogle ass kicking.  It sounds like Jared used his wealth as the Subway guy to pay off people for protection in the slammer, but rather than keeping his head down he’s was strolling in the yard like the cock of the walk.  That was too much for one guy to handle so he beat the snot out of Jared.

It never even occurred to me that you could use your money from the outside, on the inside.  I thought when you went to prison you didn’t have access to your funds but clearly I’m mistaken.  If that’s the case I’m going to start a money market account for Arthur and Charles specifically for a potential incarceration.  Everything’s better if you have extra spending cash, even prison!  Save your money and you could be waiting out your 5-10 year stretch in a redesigned cell that looks like this!!

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(And if the Boys want to get all Shawshank they can start digging a tunnel behind that stunning Manet.)

Obviously no one ever taught Jared the do’s and don’t of prison life, although I like to think someone played a practical joke on him and said, “Take it from me, Jared.  You’re a celebrity pedophile.  Walk around like you own the joint!”  I hope Arthur and Charles never wind up in prison, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering how they’d do on the inside.

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First of all, let’s all admit that if they went to prison they’d be freakin adorable!  That would help them right away.  Can’t you just picture how cute they’d be walking (crawling at this stage) to their cells for the first time with their folded prison uniforms in their arms as the other inmates scream “fresh fish!” and spit on them?  I’m pretty sure this photo illustrates who needs to do what if they wind up in the clink.

Charles is built and more than a little menacing.  His arm is already set in the same position it needs to be when he’s eating his meal on a metal tray.  Arthur on the other hand is a little more of a dandy and will need to work his personality.  My friend Richard once told me he wanted people to start calling him Pockets, and spread the word around that he was the type of guy that could get his hands on anything.  I think Arthur is going to need to steal Richard’s idea in order to survive.

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People are going to think twice about messing with Arthur if he’s the guy who runs the smoke concessions or can get you a pin up poster of Kim Kardashian West at a moment’s notice.  I’ll teach him to be crafty.

As far as getting into fights in the yard, that doesn’t stress me out.  Most of the time they have a poop in their pants.  I’m pretty sure everyone thinks twice about mixing it up with the guy who shot himself.  It’s the great equalizer.  But given these facts there’s still teaching to do.

I’ll be putting the Boys on a steady diet of prison films in place of Harry The Bunny and the Notekins.

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Luckily, Shawshank Redemption runs pretty much 24 hours a day.  This movie teaches the Boys that learning a skill like investment banking can make any stretch in the joint much more enjoyable.  The warden is always on the take and if either Arthur or Charles are good at crunching the numbers it will get back to him.  I may have them do my taxes this year to get them a little practice.

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Honestly, if either of them go to prison and wind up like Newman in Cool Hand Luke, I’d bring all my friends on visiting day just because I was so proud of them.  Luke earned favor with his fellow inmates for the way he showed up the “man” and for just coming up with fun games to break up the boredom.

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Want to make friends with other cons?  Come up with creative ideas for your downtime like breaking the record for eating raw eggs!!

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Or they could organize a game against the guards!  Even if they make a few enemies with the people who run the prison they’d be unifying the ethnically diverse prison population.  In the end they’d win the undying respect of the guards with their tenacity and commitment to giving it their all out effort.

I’ve also thought about what the boys might get sent up the river for and have come to a conclusion for each one.  Arthur would get convicted for a series of colorful crimes that are relatively victimless.  He’ll be that fun small time criminal that people always say, “If only he could use all that creativity for something productive.”

Charles on the other hand is the type that will get convicted of a crime he didn’t commit.  Maybe he’ll be protecting someone like Arthur who’s already got two strikes against him, or maybe he’ll just be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

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(Prison changed Selleck.  Changed him for the better!!  He was so world wise when he got out!!)

No, I don’t want my sons to go to prison.  Unless of course it’s a super fun prison with Morgan Freeman or comic characters that lighten the mood.  I think the crime and the personality of the convicted might determine which type of prison you get to go to.  And clearly Jared was sent to a prison without a snappy soundtrack and madcap cons.

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Given they go to the right prison, my real concern is getting Charles to adapt to the food there.  That’s where a guy like Arthur, aka Pockets, who can get his hands on anything will be a big help.

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Least Favorite Child Results

March 12 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  We’ve all got skills.  Arthur’s are a sly look, a dashing wave in his hair in the front and the ability to whine like it’s nobody’s business.

March 13 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Charles likes to make sure my last half hour of sleep in the morning is on the living room couch as he jumps in his bouncy seat at 100 decibels.  I used to be a light sleeper.  Used to be.

March 14 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Charles poops up his back so often that they ran out of backup clothes at the day care.  He came home wearing a onesie with an adorable cute pink bow on it.

March 15 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He’s behind other babies when it comes to standing, which is a constant reminder of my failure as a father.

March 16 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He’s ahead of other babies when it comes to standing and getting around causing me to have to watch him at all times.  Makes me cherish my failure as a father with Arthur.

March 17 – Least Favorite is Charles.  It’s clear if he’s watching Hide The Acorn with Sammy and Eve, I shouldn’t cough or make noise of any kind.  The look he gives me when I interrupt his viewing this program is chilling.  It’s like he’s trying to figure out all the physical evidence errors presented in Making of a Murderer.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 117

Arthur – 108

Days Tied – 1

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 227

 

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