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March 11. 2016

There are significant days I’ll  always remember from my life.  I remember the day I married my wife.  The day my children were born is indelibly etched in my mind forever.  There’s one more that ranks just as valuable and cherished in my bank of joyous memories.  The day they mounted a 50 inch HD TV on the wall of my office. I didn’t hug the cable guy but I wanted to.  What he had given birth to in my office was nearly as significant as what the doctor yanked out of my wife in the delivery room almost ten months ago. Currently I am sitting at my desk writing this post while just a few feet away Ellen Burstyn is on the Today Show talking about House of Cards. If that isn’t the definition of success in America, I don’t know what is.

I’m not saying I love TV more than my wife or children.  But I have loved it longer than I’ve loved them. I’ve loved it since the day I first saw the lights flicker from the magic box as a baby.

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(It won’t be long before TV and I celebrate the Golden Anniversary of our relationship.  I should do something special for it.)

My wife and I share the same goals when it comes to raising our kids.  We want them to be happy, healthy, smart, funny, all the usual stuff.  We do have one big difference.  She’s not willing to let anything stand in her way of accomplishing all these goals AND she does lots of research about how to get what she wants.  It led her into the living room last night where she said the most hurtful and devastating words that have ever been spoken to me. “We need to turn the TV off when we’re with the babies.”

Did you know that the sound of a person’s soul being sucked out of their body is absolute silence?  I’m sure my wife found it fitting to announce this as I sat on the couch with two babies in bouncy seats right in front of me and all six of our collective eyes watching Fifty Shades of Grey.

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(For the record, my wife and I do not approve of spanking children)

My first thought when told that the babies couldn’t watch TV was that some “alone” time would be good for them.  But really, are people still writing articles about how TV is detrimental for the intellect of our youth?  Find a new topic already.  I’ve written almost 80 posts about kids that can’t even speak to answer my questions.  If I can find something new to write then so should these busy bodies trying to take away my glimmering box full of wonderful stories.  Take my TV away?  I’m the guy who once, in the middle of an argument with my wife, turned the TV on just so I could sense a soothing background in the midst of our throw down.

I don’t think TV rots the brain.  As long as you watch it the right way.  I don’t just WATCH these shows.  I watch and periodically stop to analyze. And because of I’m smarter and my sons can be smarter too!

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As long as the boys and I stop to discuss the Bachelor at commercial breaks we’re developing our minds.  We’re learning that one man can tell 20 different woman on individual dates, “When I’m with you I forget all the craziness going on around me and feel I can finally be myself” and they’re dumb enough to think he’s saying something of substance.  Ben only says three or four different things period on this show yet everyone raves about his winning personality. What we’ve really learned is that if we can say something even moderately interesting or original, we can be even better than Ben.  And he has 20 woman fighting over him.  That’s empowering!!

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Watching Hell’s Kitchen we learned that people who work in the restaurant industry tend to drink and smoke too much, be in poor physical shape, have regrettable tattoos and have an inflated opinion of their actual cooking skills.  That’s a shit ton of things to talk about avoiding as we grow to be young men. We’ve learned that the food industry is perhaps one to avoid and that many of the people who work in it are dopes. Don’t be like these people but be remember to appreciate that they’re around because they can make you look so good!!  Empowering once again!!

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This one’s a no-brainer.  Don’t have 19 kids.  Even if Jesus suggests it.  What does he know about kids to begin with?  He was an only child and never had any of his own.  The Duggars are no longer on the air so maybe this is a bad example but I used to love to watch this show like episodes of Scared Straight. Learning through fear is still learning.

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Another pretty easy bit important lesson.  If you’re going to camp have clothing.  And don’t go camping.  Watching this show for 60 minutes hammers these points home.  We don’t really have to break into a discussion group afterward.

None of these important lessons are covered in flash cards or Sandra Boynton books but now I’m expected to give up the one thing that provides me with my emotional and intellectual oxygen?  Have you ever met people who don’t watch TV?  They usually look like this.

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(“We didn’t own a TV growing up.  That’s how I got into Ren Fairs!”)

My only hope is that my wife loves our shows as much as I do, so hopefully she’ll break soon.  Until then I’ll spend my time in the living room acting out scenes of Big Brother and Real Housewives of New Jersey for my sons.  Because I want the best for them.

Least Favorite Child Results

Not a good week for Arthur.  He’s going through a moody phase giving him a chance to catch up on his brother in the standings.

March 5 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Arthur and Charles were sitting across from one another in the play area.  Charles let out a large happy shout.  Arthur reacted with a big unhappy cry.  My wife looked at him and called him a “Nancy.”

March 6 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  The tears aren’t constant but they are his go to when he wants some attention.  The attention he gets is that one of us picks him up, looks at the other and says, “He’s sure acting douchey.”  Is that attention you’d want?

March 7 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He wakes up five minutes earlier each day.  I think he’s trying to see if he can work up to the status of “No Sleep Baby.”  Who wouldn’t want a child like that!

March 8 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Less about the tears and more about his headbutting me in the mouth.  A few more headbutts in that area and I’ll look like a Hillbilly.

March 9 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He needs to improve his crawling skills so his mother and I can stop obsessing over it and worrying that we’re going to have one of those children that teachers describe as “Going at his own pace.”

March 10 – Least Favorite is Charles.  I admire that he large hands and feet.  Trump would be so jealous.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 114

Arthur – 105

Days Tied – 1

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 220

I don’t even bother posting photos of Neil anymore.  I blame his indifference.

 

 

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