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March 4, 2016

The only two people I know that aren’t talking about Donald Trump and his frightening growth in popularity are my two 9 1/2 month old twins, Arthur and Charles.  How is it that they’re not consumed with a phenomenon that eerily parallels the plot line to the Dead Zone starring Christopher Walken and Martin Sheen?

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(I think we all know that if Trump shielded himself from a would be assassin with a baby he’d get another boost in the polls)

Why aren’t my babies talking about Trump?  Because they watch the only channel that doesn’t cover the campaign in any way.  They watch nothing but Baby First TV.

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(The slogan of this channel should be, “Baby First, Sanity Second)

As the boys channel of choice I wind up watching my fair share of Baby First TV.  As a Reality TV star steamrolls his way to the Republican Party Nomination for President of the United States, I’m left to wonder if the star of any of the programs on this station might someday lead our country.  You might be thinking, “Steve, you’re clearly going for humor here.  Fictional and often animated children’s TV characters can NOT become President.”  OK, but if I told you four years ago that Donald Trump would would become the Commander in Chief, would you have believed that?  It seems almost more far fetched.

God forbid, Donald Trump becomes President, but if he does how will be defeat him in four years when the next election comes up? Who will defeat a man who has the balls to announce to the world that he has a big penis while running for the highest office in the country?  It certainly isn’t going to be a politician.  It’s going to be someone from the world of TV and we may as well start by examining the possible candidates from Baby First TV.

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This is Sam and his friend Eve from Hide and Seek.  They spend their entire day hiding an acorn from each other.  As far as the eye test goes, they’re damn attractive squirrels, which goes a long way.  I guess the biggest obstacle they’re have to overcome is the fact that they’re always hiding things.  Can America trust them?  Also, they REALLY suck at hiding things which is what their show is all about.

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This is Eve finding an acorn hidden by Sam.  As you can see, Sam placed the acorn in front of the toy chest in plain site.  Any thinking person would have at least thrown the acorn in with the rest of the toys to make Eve’s job a little harder.  And believe me, when it’s Eve’s time to hide the acorn she’s just as bad.  If this is how well they hide things what are we going to find out when we do the bare minimum of digging that happens during a campaign?  Trump beats them easily.

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Harry the Bunny would bring a lot of energy and clear simple messages to any campaign he runs, which is definitely a big plus.  In every episode he focuses on one thing and really hammers the message home.  For instance just last night I watched him go through everything in his bedroom that was blue.  His biggest problem in my opinion is that he bills himself as “The funniest bunniest.”  There is nothing remotely funny about Harry.  Sure he laughs a lot but that doesn’t make him funny.  That makes him either heavily medicated or kind of an idiot.  In the “Blue” episode he laughed hysterically after he commented that his favorite blanket is the blue one.  I’m not sure what’s funny about that.  He could have made a reference to blue balls and I would have at least understood where he was going with the joke.  Harry just laughs maniacally for little or no reason.  I think that’s going to trouble voters.  Then again giggle fits and messages about the color blue being good, is just as substantial a platform as Trump’s seems to be so maybe he stands a chance.

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If I had to have one Notekin run for President out of this group I’d go with the tall redhead.  I’m not sure if any of them have names, but he seems to be their natural leader and he already has similar hair to Trump.  The Notekins spend all their time visiting their friends who all happen to be musical instruments.  They travel to see their pals, Cello, Guitar, Drum, etc.  who play versions of music from loud and soft to fast and slow.  The biggest obstacle for the Notekins is that after each type of music is played they all exclaim in unison, “Slow music works.”  Then when fast music is played they respond with, “Fast music works.”  Everything works for these guys!  I think we can all agree it would be nice to have a boss like the Notekins, but I’m pretty sure America wants a candidate who takes a stand or two.  It’s an easy fix.  They just need to write a few episodes where the Notekins tell one of their friends that their music isn’t working.  Pick a few unpopular instruments to visit and let them know that what they doing sucks, like the triangle or maybe the tambourine. No one likes those instruments.

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I think the black guy who sings all the songs in Sushyby Baby show is by far the best choice to give a one term President Trump a run for his money.  Not knowing his name is a problem.  I’m not sure what you call him on the ballot.  Shushyby Baby Singer?  It doesn’t roll off the tongue.

In his favor though is that he’s a real guy, unlike the other potential candidates who are either cartoons or puppets.  And again, I don’t think that rules anyone out anymore, but being a real human can’t hurt. He’s definitely going to have to run on a “Let’s all calm down” type of platform as he sings mostly with the goal of getting kids to sleep.  But doesn’t America yearn for calm quiet confidence…and a nap?

And being black has got to be a help.  After four years of Trump anything that can remind people of Obama in four years time is going to play right into Shushyby Singer’s hand. Is he the best Baby First choice? Yes!!

The bottom line is that any of these candidates are just as qualified as Trump and might give him a better fight than Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.  Is America going to embrace Donald Trump when he calls Harry The Bunny a lighweight?  Will Donald Trump dare brag about his penis size in front of the Sushyby Baby Singer?  We all know how that myth goes, including Trump.

Maybe we can’t stop this election’s “Make America Great Again” train from slowing down.  But in four years we can complete with “Baby First, Trump Second!”

Least Favorite Child Results

February 28 – Least Favorite is Charles. These boys don’t cry very much but Charles definitely cries more than Arthur.  Arthur is Clint Eastwood when it comes to tears.  As a result when Arthur does cry it just breaks my heart.  When Charles cries, I just roll my eyes and think, “What a little diva.”  Arthur cried on this day when Charles took a book out of his hand, and I haven’t gotten that emotional since I watched Sean Astin carried off on the shoulders of the Notre Dame Football Team at the end of Rudy.  These kids are making me very deep.

February 29 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  The boys get a leap year right out the gate and Arthur celebrated by blowing out three pairs of pants with messy dumps in the course of a few hours.

March 1 – Least Favorite is Charles. It’s endearing when I come home at night and he excitedly crawls over to me.  But then when he climbs on me and I pick him up he grabs my glasses and painfully pulls my chest or arm hair.  I’m pretty sure he’s trying to establish himself as the Alpha.  And he’s winning.

March 2 – Least Favorite is Charles.  If you’ve ever used the sucking contraption that gets the snot out of kids’ noses when they’re stuffed up you know that the process looks like your electrocuting someone.  The boys both had colds and both got the sucking treatment.  Let’s just say Arthur acted like he was getting 60 volts and Charles acted like he got 600.

March 3 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Charles is a pleasant morning person.  Arthur is not.  His looks of disgust when it’s time to get up are felt keenly and they hurt.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 112

Arthur – 101

Days Tied – 1

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 213

 

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