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February 26, 2015

One of the signs of good writing is being able to take any one subject and string together 700-800 words about it that are interesting and coherent. That’s why I’m glad I’ve never claimed that I’m a good writer.  Here’s a bunch of random thoughts with shiny photos to mask my shortcomings.

Random Thoughts #1 – If you post a photo of your baby on Facebook and can’t garner at least 30 “likes” you should come to grips with the fact that you are either incredibly unpopular or you have an unattractive baby.

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This photo is currently at 130 likes and counting but it seems to me that my wife has posted several photos that have hovered dangerously close to the 30 “like” threshold which means I should probably work on being more likable.  It’s a tough call.  Is it worse to have homely kids or be unpopular?

Random Thoughts #2 – I took the Facebook quiz to see which Celebrity my babies should get drunk with.  Arthur got Aaron Paul.

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Charles got Jennifer Lawrence

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For the record, I got Aaron Paul as well.  That will make organizing the drinking get together a little easier.

Random Thought #3 – The other night I noticed that my dog Winston ate an entire tube of diaper rash cream and I was struck by how having kids affected the way I handled the situation.  Here’s how Steve before kids would have reacted.  “Holy shit!  We have to get the dog to the Vet immediately!!”  Here’s how Steve with kids actually reacted.  “I hope Winston doesn’t die.”  I uttered this words while lying on the couch.  I only moved about a half hour later to pick up the remains of the tube.

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I think this was a cry for help from Winston.  He realizes how low he’s gotten in the pecking order.  He’s pretty much on the last rung with me which is fitting because my wife uses the same whistle to call both me and the dog. It would be nice if I had at least my own whistle. All the Von Trapp kids did and there were seven of them.  I’m wondering how long Winston puts up with this. I can see him looking longingly out the window at other families so he’s definitely thinking about cheating.

Random Thought #4 – The other day Arthur got his head wedged into and stuck in a nursing pillow.  Before helping him escape from this distressing situation we first took a photo because we found it funny.  That’s OK parenting, right?

Random Though #5 – One of the biggest pleasures I get taking the boys for a public stroll is the soul smashing effect it has on people walking with just one baby.  Sure, as parents we’re all in this together, but I still get a thrill when I see someone blissfully pushing their single baby and then seeing their shoulders slump when I come around the corner with two.  My favorite moments came the other week when one frustrated dad was trying to secure his one squirmy baby into a stroller.  He looked up and saw me pushing two and blurted out loud, “Christ!”  He has no idea what it took for me to get my hellions into the stroller.  He just saw me walking with two of them leisurely and thought, “That guy has got it all over me.”  I’m insecure enough to need that type of fraudulent and unjustified envy from another person.

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(Look at this handsome fellow who clearly has his shit together!  There are several bottles of liquor in the brown bag.  That’s the secret to it all!!)

Random Thought #6 – The new Facebook reaction buttons are out!

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Arthur and Charles run through every emotion Facebook has provided us in just five minutes spent jumping in their bouncy seat looking at the dog.  Is it healthy to have so many cathartic moments?  From a few moments with the dog?

I hope next week I’ll have found one subject worthy of an entire 700 word post.  As you can see my random thoughts aren’t particularly compelling.  They certainly don’t measure up to my regular rants about wanting one of my sons to become Gay Neil Patrick Harris or my quest to find the two tickets needed to win my Vacation Home in the Safeway Monopoly Game.  OK, now I’m just questioning everything about this blog.  I should have stopped at Random Thought #4.

Least Favorite Child Results

February 20 – Least Favorite is Charles.  His new favorite thing to do is grab large chunks of my arm hair and pull with all his might.  My wife tells me I’m not allowed to complain about pain caused by a baby for more than a few minutes.  This forces me to have to suck up the pain which has never been something in my skill set.

February 21 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Right as I was about to leave for work my wife pointed out that I should probably wear a different shirt.  I know she doesn’t like this particular shirt but it’s one of the favorites in my vast short sleeve button up collection that makes me look like an electrician.  Then I noticed that Arthur had spit up all over it.  He’s clearly working with Mommy on my wardrobe issues.

February 22 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Charles spend a lot of time poking my gut while I was feeding him.  I had a cat once that used to like to need its paws in the same area.  I hated that cat.

February 23 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Bath night with twins requires planning.  Specifically, where can I leave a kid that moves all the time while I’m handing off the next kid to the wife in the tub.  Arthur is a wet rock on bath night.  I could leave him on the edge of the night stand and he’d still be there an hour later.  Charles?  I’ve considered the bottom level of the linen closet and closing the door.  It’s just a few minutes for God’s sake!

February 24 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He pooped in his diaper less than two minutes after I had changed him and put him in a new outfit.  Need I say more?

February 25 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He’s like David Copperfield when it comes to pacifiers.  He can make them disappear with the best of illusionists.  It’s baby sleight of hand like I’ve never seen before.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 109

Arthur – 99

Days Tied – 1

Days since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 206

 

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