January 8, 2016
Are you ready for a very real and extremely raw confession? I have never purchased underwear for myself. Not once in my life have I paid a single cent for a boxer, brief or undergarment of any style.
How have I gotten away with this? I started like everyone else, having my Mom buy them for me in my youth. Then as a young adult who clearly couldn’t be trusted with any responsibility my mother continued to buy them for me, often in bulk for my birthday or at Christmas. In my youth I knew lots of people who my age who considered getting underwear on Christmas kind of a jip gift wise but not me. I thought the perfect gift would be 365 pairs of underwear. Every day I would put a new pair on and then discard them in the trash at the end of the day like a King!!
By the time I got married, my mother was still buying my underwear with no intention of stopping. My mother in-law was obviously cut from the same cloth as she started sending me lots of underwear on gift giving occasions. Free underwear I didn’t have to shop for was coming at me in every direction! For 15 years of marriage I lived in an underwear Camelot like golden age. It was like the “Roaring 20s” for bloomers!!
(From 2000 to 2015 I was the Jay Gatsby of boxer briefs)
I had no idea the market was about to crash. That’s because no one told me a very important but seldom revealed fact. Once you have kids YOU get stiffed for presents during the Holidays. Sure, the same people will send you gifts but they won’t be for you. Your kids will be swimming in toys and clothing.
And you know what you get?
A giant box full of nothing. I appreciate gifts for my kids. I realize they need lots of things and the generosity of others has aided the financial burden they present. But I really need underwear!!
Is my wife going to buy my underwear for me? I hope so, but she’s got a pretty packed schedule taking care of two 7 month kids who have absolutely no respect for anyone’s time. I could ask her but is giving my wife an additional responsibility right now a wise move? How much will I enjoy my underwear if I have to hear my wife bitching about my inability to do anything for myself? They won’t seem as snug if I’m getting balled out.
(The nice thing about this blog is posting this photo and imaging this is what I actually look like in my underwear. Thanks, Getty Images!)
I’m coming to grips with the fact that I’m going to have to buy my own underwear. It’s a milestone I never thought I’d reach and oddly the first one that tells me that I’m a parent. If there are any regular underwear buyers out there who can give me tips before I go out to make my my purchase please share them with me. As I’ve never done this before I’m not even sure if there’s haggling involved.
Please help me avoid this future!
Least Favorite Child Results
It’s a new year, but Charles and Arthur are still in their first year so the count continues. Who will win the year as Least Favorite? Charles currently enjoys a comfortable lead but I think Arthur is intent on making up some ground.
January 1 – Least Favorite is Arthur. My wife and I made to midnight to celebrate. It was quite an accomplishment to stay up this late. Meanwhile Arthur decided to ring in the New Year at 2am, 3:30am and at 5am with lots of needy whining.
January 2 – Least favorite is Arthur. One of Arthur’s new things is waking up periodically through the night. His other is the contemptuous look on his face once he wakes up. I hate morning too, but at least I plaster on a fake smile. If you got to start the day in a bouncy seat is this how you would look?
(Best guess on his first words are currently, “What the f*ck are you looking at?)
January 3 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles is bigger and moves quicker than his brother. When placed in his play area Charles sometimes feels the best toy options are his brothers ears or his flowing mane of hair. I may as well stamp “Fisher Price” on Arthur’s body somewhere.
January 4 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Three poops and three different outfits needed after each. Arthur laughs in the face of diapers guaranteeing containment.
January 5 – Least Favorite is Charles. This is for poop related reasons as well. Charles refuses to stop moving, even during a diaper change. This means if he’s pooped, he likes to roll on the changing table and create a brown Jackson Pollack masterpiece.
January 6 – Least Favorite is Arthur. Continued late night wake up calls followed by nasty morning attitude.
January 7 – Least Favorite is Arthur. See above.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 91
Arthur – 81
Days Tied – 1
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 161
allthoughtswork said:
Okay, your MIL buying you underwear is just gross. The easy way to tell if something is gross is to reverse it and imagine buying HER underwear at Christmas. Yeah, exactly. Explain THAT one to the ladies at Victoria’s Secret.
Also, either you passed out cold from a scotch bender while hitting Publish or that head injury from 1994-5 is acting up again. How else do you explain the opening lines of this post?
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stephenmhurley said:
I like to give everyone a one line tease of my post before actually writing it? Thanks for letting me know!
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allthoughtswork said:
It’s a good thing you fixed it. Your MIL might have bought you a book on writing.
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Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:
Jan 4th Arthur – perhaps you can send out an e-card, both you and Arthur having pooped, and explain that he gets it from his poor dad, who needs clothes just as bad as his sons!
Under-alms for the bereaved!
Brilliant as always – keep it up in the new year!
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stephenmhurley said:
Under-alms! Why can’t I think of funny stuff like that?! Thanks, Duff!
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apprehensively expecting said:
First of all, you have prophetic ability regarding underwear purchasing. My husband buys his own, and every new pair has ballooning effect issues within the first wear. Models stuffing their undergarments is not vanity, it is necessary because within five minutes, the leg and general lower half turn into a daisy duke-coolots hybrid. My meticulous husband has joined the masses of men who cherish functional underwear until it is nothing more than an elastic band with a couple of strands paying tribute to the underwear it once was. I’d seriously consider commando…or Depends…They’ve made tremendous advances with that product technology and you wouldn’t have to do laundry… No one would have to know for years because it would be camouflaged among the diapers in the trash bin. And, if you get REALLY made at your wife, have her stop into a local drug store to purchase them…It’s probably the equivalent of you buying sanitary products.
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injeco said:
i read this aloud to my husband & we both laughed heartily!
pretty sure he has also never bought his own underwear, but he still lets me buy them even though I buy them ‘too small’. “only a large? but i’m an EXTRA LARGE!” ummm … yes dear. 😂😂
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alinefader said:
My boyfriend has a method that might work for you. It involves sad bemoanings about the state of his underwear and socks and a stubborn refusal to go get new ones himself. Eventually I get so tired of hearing about how his man-panties could blow away with a soft gust of wind that I relent and buy them for him. It requires a careful balance of complaint mixed with humor so as to not overly annoy, and you have to be sure to constantly insist that your wife needn’t buy them for you. Good luck!
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks for the plug!!
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lookingthroughthewindowoflife said:
Actually new to this, and yours is the second one iv read,and I can say it did make me giggle.
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Tukang template said:
so beautiful your image ,,,,
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erinb9 said:
Hi Stephen! I’ve been following your blog for a while and have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award. I don’t know if you participate in these things, but if you’re interested, the post is at: http://bubblesandbeebots.com/2016/01/12/nominated-for-the-sunshine-award/
It’s good, silly fun 🙂
Actually, I find your blog hilarious and wish I’d posted earlier… but it’s a start. You’re my Neil Patrick Harris, I guess.
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks so much, Erin!!
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shitville resident said:
You had better even out those least favorite stats before Charles learns to read
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CraZ8mama said:
I tell my kids not to get jealous of one another because I don’t like any of them LOL all joking aside this was a very well written blog kudos to you. Good read.
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jcrgalang said:
Oh man, I feel your pain! I’ve been using the same batch of underwear since college! I feel as if i’m wasting money buying my own. I mean, I don’t care if you don’t get me what I want for xmas. Underwear is fine. But people keep gifting me scarves, gloves, and beanies. I need those, but preferably for my pelvic area! Good luck!
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