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January 8, 2016

Are you ready for a very real and extremely raw confession?  I have never purchased underwear for myself.  Not once in my life have I paid a single cent for a boxer, brief or undergarment of any style.

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How have I gotten away with this?  I started like everyone else, having my Mom buy them for me in my youth.  Then as a young adult who clearly couldn’t be trusted with any responsibility my mother continued to buy them for me, often in bulk for my birthday or at Christmas. In my youth I knew lots of people who my age who considered getting underwear on Christmas kind of a jip gift wise but not me.  I thought the perfect gift would be 365 pairs of underwear.  Every day I would put a new pair on and then discard them in the trash at the end of the day like a King!!

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By the time I got married, my mother was still buying my underwear with no intention of stopping.  My mother in-law was obviously cut from the same cloth as she started sending me lots of underwear on gift giving occasions.  Free underwear I didn’t have to shop for was coming at me in every direction!  For 15 years of marriage I lived in an underwear Camelot like golden age.  It was like the “Roaring 20s” for bloomers!!

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(From 2000 to 2015 I was the Jay Gatsby of boxer briefs)

I had no idea the market was about to crash.  That’s because no one told me a very important but seldom revealed fact.  Once you have kids YOU get stiffed for presents during the Holidays.  Sure, the same people will send you gifts but they won’t be for you. Your kids will be swimming in toys and clothing.

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And you know what you get?

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A giant box full of nothing.  I appreciate gifts for my kids.  I realize they need lots of things and the generosity of others has aided the financial burden they present.  But I really need underwear!!

Is my wife going to buy my underwear for me?  I hope so, but she’s got a pretty packed schedule taking care of two 7 month kids who have absolutely no respect for anyone’s time.  I could ask her but is giving my wife an additional responsibility right now a wise move?  How much will I enjoy my underwear if I have to hear my wife bitching about my inability to do anything for myself?  They won’t seem as snug if I’m getting balled out.

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(The nice thing about this blog is posting this photo and imaging this is what I actually look like in my underwear.  Thanks, Getty Images!)

I’m coming to grips with the fact that I’m going to have to buy my own underwear.  It’s a milestone I never thought I’d reach and oddly the first one that tells me that I’m a parent.  If there are any regular underwear buyers out there who can give me tips before I go out to make my my purchase please share them with me.  As I’ve never done this before I’m not even sure if there’s haggling involved.

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Please help me avoid this future!

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Least Favorite Child Results

It’s a new year, but Charles and Arthur are still in their first year so the count continues.  Who will win the year as Least Favorite?  Charles currently enjoys a comfortable lead but I think Arthur is intent on making up some ground.

January 1 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  My wife and I made to midnight to celebrate.  It was quite an accomplishment to stay up this late.  Meanwhile Arthur decided to ring in the New Year at 2am, 3:30am and at 5am with lots of needy whining.

January 2 – Least favorite is Arthur.  One of Arthur’s new things is waking up periodically through the night.  His other is the contemptuous look on his face once he wakes up.  I hate morning too, but at least I plaster on a fake smile.  If you got to start the day in a bouncy seat is this how you would look?

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(Best guess on his first words are currently, “What the f*ck are you looking at?)

January 3 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Charles is bigger and moves quicker than his brother.  When placed in his play area Charles sometimes feels the best toy options are his brothers ears or his flowing mane of hair.  I may as well stamp “Fisher Price” on Arthur’s body somewhere.

January 4 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Three poops and three different outfits needed after each.  Arthur laughs in the face of diapers guaranteeing containment.

January 5 – Least Favorite is Charles.  This is for poop related reasons as well.  Charles refuses to stop moving, even during a diaper change.  This means if he’s pooped, he likes to roll on the changing table and create a brown Jackson Pollack masterpiece.

January 6 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Continued late night wake up calls followed by nasty morning attitude.

January 7 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  See above.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 91

Arthur – 81

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 161

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