We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Diaper!

Tags

babies, Humor, parenting, poop

Friday, November 20

I’ve used this photo in a previous post but it’s much more appropriate for this one.  Arthur and Charles have moved to the world of solid foods and shit’s getting real.

First let me begin by saying that the move to solid food was yet another underwhelming milestone that ranks with the complete ambivalence of watching them roll over for the first time.  When the doctor told us that the boys could start eating real food my wife excitedly went to the grocery store to get a Home Town Buffet of options for the boys to sample.

In our minds we envisioned the joy on the faces of Arthur and Charles when they tasted bananas, apple sauce and peanut butter for the first time.  We were certain their first sampling would set off a harmonic harp sound throughout the household as the flavors exploded through their untested taste buds.

We quickly learned that while some foods are an acquired taste, food itself is going to be an acquired taste for the boys.  Their reaction to eating the food we gave them was pretty much the same reaction I might have if I bit into a hot dog and found out it was a turkey dog.

Obviously the reluctance to experience new food is genetic and has been handed down by my DNA.  This felt more like waterboarding our kids than introducing them to a wonderful new experience full of endless possibilities. Now that it’s been a day or two they’re both more game for solid food but the first moment has passed and it was a dud. Really, who gives a frog’s fat ass about day two or three of a milestone?

The real milestone came with the after effect of solid food.  For six months I have become used to what I have to deal with when changing a diaper.  The experience wasn’t pleasant by any means but it was benign.  The carnage I deal with now is like an Irwin Allen Disaster Movie.

This photo of Shelly Winters in the Poseidon Adventure perfectly sums up what I look like and how I feel after changing the landfill the boys are now leaving in their diapers.  It’s a horrifying and grueling struggle for survival dealing with the shocking content.

I honestly pause and gasp each time I change them wondering if the room will suddenly be engulfed by seagulls.

The smiling faces on the Sesame Street Characters emblazoned on the Pampers now seem like more desperate looks that say, please don’t strap me to this kid’s ass!!  Please!!!!

It’s like I’ve dragged Cookie Monster and Elmo into this disgusting and depraved hell of indescribable human waste.  And I’m not sure what my wife is now feeding these boys but it couldn’t possibly be peanut butter, banana and apple sauce.  What I’m seeing looks more like the end result of a Super Bowl Party.

We’re only a few days into this and I’m already wondering if infants need to be able to stand on their own before they’re potty trained.  I say we skip a few milestones and go directly to that one.  And I’ll probably need to stock up on plungers and air freshener while I’m at it.

Say a prayer for me that I get through this phase and please…light a match while you’re at it.

Least Favorite Child Results

Once again, I’ve been very busy and haven’t been able to update as much as I’d like so I’ll be brief when explaining why the boys won Least Favorite Honors on a given day.

November 14 – Charles was Least Favorite.  As usual he leaves a wake up call at the front desk for 5:30am in order to get a head start on the day.  No one likes a morning person.  Morning babies are only slightly less annoying because they smell a little better.

November 15 – Arthur was Least Favorite.  Putting a diaper on Arthur when he doesn’t want to have a diaper on is like trying to lasso an excited squirrel.  It requires heightened reflexes that I’m just starting to develop but it still takes a very long time.

November 16 – Least Favorite was Charles.  Morning baby strikes again!

November 17 – Least Favorite was Arthur.  Very troubling.  Arthur woke up before Charles, at around 5:20am.  And while his brother wakes up and just talks loudly to himself, Arthur wakes up with a loud unhappy screech.  I can sleep through a baby talking pleasantly to himself but I can’t sleep through the sound Arthur makes.  No one can.  Please don’t let this be the start of a trend.

November 18 – Least Favorite was Arthur.  It’s a trend!

November 19 – Least Favorite was Arthur.  It’s more than a trend!  It’s becoming a morning ritual!!

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 72

Arthur – 64

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 118

Clearly Neil does charity so his giving my blog a shout out will have its time.