November 12, 2015
What happened was inevitable but that doesn’t soften the blow. A few days ago my wife and I took the kids to the LA Zoo. Having made the call that we didn’t need the stroller for this visit (A very bad call) I found myself weighed down with a baby strapped to the front of me and a 30 pound diaper bag strapped to on my back. I was moving with the speed and agility of a Deep Sea Diver.
(Look, Honey!! The Meer Cats are just 300 yards ahead! I’ll be there in an hour)
After about a half hour, my wife saw the look of desperate fatigue on my face and in the pace I was walking. In the kindest gesture I think anyone has ever made she suggested we get on the shuttle that drives around the Zoo and then call it a day. Thank God I didn’t weep as a single tear might have upset the front loaded balance on my chest and tipped me over.
As we stood in the line waiting for a shuttle I saw an extremely strange couple dressed in matching yellow t-shirts, khaki pants and brown baseball hats. I told my wife in a very sincere way, “I think it’s nice when strange people find each other.” Unfortunately these strange people also found me.
(This isn’t the couple but it may as well be)
They decided to sit next to me on the shuttle. As we were waiting for the vehicle to move the woman made a few strange comments to start up some small talk. Then, noticing I was wearing a baby, she looked at me and said, “Day out with the grand kids”? as the shuttle abruptly started to drive off. In between choked laughter my wife yelled over me to tell her they were my kids to which she responded with a simple and surprised, “Oh.”
And there you have it. Babies have milestones and so do Dads in their late 40s. Just like the first time Charles and Arthur rolled over, I’ll never forget where I was the first time I was mistaken for the grandfather of my own children.
I’ve told this story to many friends and the general response I’m getting is less than comforting. The blanket statement people make when I tell them what happened is, “Oh my God. How horrible! You must have felt terrible.”
Not one person has said, “Was the women insane? Was she blind? Who would ever think you’re old enough to be a grandparent”? Even if they don’t think that, a little compassion would be nice. But what I’m now left to believe is that this very odd woman was more or less the spokesperson for everyone I know. I look like an old Dad.
As we drove home from the Zoo my wife, wiping the last tears of laughter from her face, explained that with exercise and an improved diet I could recapture some of my youth. Ugh. That sounds like a lot of work just to look like I’m only 42 or 43 years old. Rather than put in that type of effort I’ve decided it’s easier and maybe ultimately even better for my ego to just embrace it the next time it happens. “Are those your grand kids”? “Why yes! Yes, there are!!” This is sure to be followed by, “You look so young to have grand kids!” To which I’ll reply, “I put a lot of work into it, but it’s all worth it when I hear such nice compliments!”
I’m never going to be a young dad, but I have a great shot at being a fake youthful grand dad!! Meet my new peer group!
Not only would I fit in with this group, I’d likely excel. They’d think, “How does that Steve do it? He stayed up until 11:30 last night watching Fargo! I’d like to have some of that energy.”
I’d be the coolest grand parent in the group, explaining to them all the current slang the kids are using like “On fleek” and “thirsty.” Finally, a group of people I can hang with who think I’m cool.
I may have to fib a little bit, like when the guys start telling old war stories, but as a fan of history I can study up and fake my way through that. I’m already coming up with stories about my mad cap army unit in the Korean Conflict.
And my senior posse is going to be blown away when they see how active I am with the grand kids, even if it’s only in 5-10 minute intervals.
And when I get cast in a national ad campaign for Lyrica, I’ll remember the strange lady at the Zoo fondly. The woman who kick started my life as a devilishly handsome senior citizens while I was still in my late 40s.
You know what the secret to looking good in your sixties is? Get there while you’re still in your forties.
Least Favorite Child Results
Saturday, November 7 – Least Favorite is Charles. I knew they boys were ready for the next size up in diapers but I had a few of the smaller ones left. Charles’ let me know that he was ready to move on to the next size up with a crap all the way up his back. It took about 15 Huggies Wipes to clean up the mess so I guess I didn’t really save anything with my attempt to be frugal.
Sunday, November 8 – Least Favorite is Arthur. You’re a baby Arthur. It’s OK to sleep during the day. If it makes you feel better I’ll take a nap if you take one. We can do this together!! He rarely goes for this offer.
Monday, November 9 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles has moved his wake up time from 5:15am to 4:30am. He’s cute but that’s still a douche move.
Wednesday, November 10 – Least Favorite is Charles. Sometimes Arthur avoids the LFC award just because he’s light, compact and so easy to manuever. He’s like a hybrid vehicle. Charles on the other hand comes with lifting directions. Bend at the legs and let out a deep, “Oooh.” I compare the two in baseball terms. You know when a player is on the on deck circle and they swing that heavy weighted bat and then pick up a lighter bat when they go to the plate? Charles is the on deck baseball bat and Arthur is the bat you use when someone’s actually pitching to you.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 70
Arthur – 60
Days Tied – 1
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 111
(Neil winds down after a busy Veteran’s Day)
Jan Wilberg said:
You’re hilarious. So glad I found you. Love LFC. Loved the whole thing.
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stephenmhurley said:
Jan, with such nice comments I’m even gladder you found me!
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AtomicMelanie said:
I think you should make up a t-shirt or something with the “You know what the secret to looking good in your sixties is? Get there while you’re still in your forties” quote. I howled with laughter at that one! 🙂
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks, Melanie!!
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mummyspitsthedummy said:
I would buy one of those shirts! I also lost it with that closing line – brilliant work as usual, Mr Hurley.
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks, Julie!!
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wscottling said:
Was that woman insane? She must have been blind as a bat to have mistaken you for a grandpa. Surely you don’t look older than anyone’s uncle at the very least. (there… compassion)
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stephenmhurley said:
Willow, you’re my best friend.
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wscottling said:
^_^
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Datamancer said:
she must come from some place were everyone has kids in their teens…
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Beth Sullivan said:
You’ve been making me laugh since high school and you told the Patches the dog story. I still don’t know if it’s true, but it killed me!! Embrace your elderly self!! 50 is the new 20 (except we don’t look as good or have any energy)!!! 😃
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stephenmhurley said:
Beth, as I embrace my elderly self I realize how arthritic and still I’ve become.
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Juliette Kings said:
I’ll be laughing about this post for the rest of the day. Your wife’s comment about weird people finding each other is priceless.
As an “older parent” I’ve been told by my 16 year old daughter that I am not allowed to let my hair go grey until after she graduates from college. It doesn’t matter that I had gray hair before she was born. Anyway, thanks for a fun post.
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Laura (PA Pict) said:
I wish I could go back in time and give this sage advice to my Dad. When my youngest brother and sister were born, he was already a Grandad four times over. He, therefore, had lots of confusing conversations with people, offering such confusing explanations as, “No, I’m not their Grandad; I’m their Dad; but I am the Grandad of that one.”
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apprehensively expecting said:
My husband turned 48 with our first (he’ll be 50 with our second). While he looks good, I hear the common rumblings of the various parts of his anatomy he feels are failing. Hang in there, at some point people stop noticing you, and just pay attention to your kids even if they aren’t acting like complete idiots…
I kinda rank this like comments to women, “Wow, when are you due?” “Actually, I’m not pregnant; I’m fat.” However, when people start asking for your delivery date, perhaps it is time to do a self-assessment. In any case, you can always say you have a great personality and walk away…It’s the tagline for many potential blind dates, so how bad could it be?
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Judy york said:
Next just say I waited until I got it perfect and I got two first try Whay about your kids????
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks, Granny! That still won’t help me look as young as you, though
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Mums Monster Map said:
Brilliant! Personally I get the “Oh when’s it due” thing, I’m not pregnant and with hubby sorted we’ve no plans to go through that ever again.. Really enjoying your posts!
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Jana said:
I work at an OB/GYN clinic – so we see a lot of babies at the 6 week post-partum appointments. One day, a baby in the lobby was crying and crying. The type of crying that makes you immediately want to take action to stop the crying (I’m sure you know what I’m talking about). I went out and found my boss had beat me to the punch – she had taken the infant from the gentleman who had been holding him and was attempting to sooth her, to no avail. She finally gave up and said, “You really want to go back to your grandpa, don’t you?” while proffering the child back to the man. The gentleman then said, “I’m not his grandpa – I’m his father.” I can’t begin to tell you how tickled I was to watch my boss squirm as she attempted to apologize without making it worse (guess what? It made it worse!) That was a good day (for me anyway).
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E said:
And suddenly, I am brutally reminded how badly we’re in for it if my husband and I do manage to spawn. (yes, that’s how we refer to it.) We were watching the Muppets, because we’re the type of married, childless adults who do that, and in a completely unfair move a Muppets commercial appeared, halting our dvr fast-forward of commercials. It was for Good Morning America’s 40th. My husband looked at me when I sighed at the insult of the phony return to the show for a commercial and said, “I know, it’s rough to be older.” I fixed him with a glare, “Just because YOU are, doesn’t mean I am.” yet. Barely. I feel you man. I feel you.
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stephenmhurley said:
E, you and your husband are right where my wife and I were. We needed someone to watch Pixar and Disney films with.
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allthoughtswork said:
How to put an abrupt stop to your wife’s laughter: “It dawns on me, dear, that grandparents hand the kids back to their parents at the end of the day and go home and get a good night’s rest. So, here’s your son. G’night.”
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pinkcobweb1 said:
Yep, I got mistaken for my childs gran once too….:-O
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callashoes said:
I always look forward to your posts – even though they are absolutely nothing to with what I do on wordpress or what I should be researching or reading for my business they are a welcome respite to an otherwise stressful day.
With two small children of my own (11 months and almost 3 years) there are times when you think the world is against you and it’s very refreshing that it’s not just against you, it’s actually against everyone who has children.
I love a good poo (excuse the UK English) story and your nappy story tickled me a lot.
Yesterday when I was in a rush to drop them off at childcare (it’s always when you’re in a rush) the youngest one did a huge crap that came right out of her pyjamas -which I’d failed to notice until I’d been carrying her around the house for a while and the crap had gone all over my arm and top (what is that warm wet feeling…?).
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marcyspage said:
You are just too funny! I’ve had so much fun reading about your adventures with your babies! I always look forward to your posts.
I don’t know why NPH hasn’t responded. It’s not like he’s busy or anything.
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sunshinemarie16 said:
i love this!!
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melissajanisin said:
Thank you for this funny funny post – some of my kids’ friends have parents that could actually be my kids also. That is, had I been smart and started reproducing in high school.
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Nouveau North Westerners said:
That’s too funny! I’m 43, pregnant for the first time with twins. Before we left the US we had lunch at a Mongolian restaurant just outside Seattle. My husband is 8 years younger than me and when I went to pay, the cashier asked if he was my son! So I can totally relate. We just laughed it off.
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Aidan not Aiden said:
If it makes you feel any better, a friend of mine once took me to a dentist appointment after I broke one of my teeth on some fast food she insisted we get. I hate the dentist and she offered to come back with me, and when she asked the dental assistant if it was okay if she did, the woman asked with soft, warm sincerity, “Oh, are you her mother?”
This friend is three years older than I am. We were 24 and 27 at the time. She was not pleased.
Don’t feel too bad. 😉
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stephenmhurley said:
Merry, thanks so much for having me as a guest!!
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1 Nothing Please said:
Your sense of humour is seriously amazing 😀 Screw the labels, no matter what your kids will say they know the coolest guy around 🙂
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