How Do I Get These Kids On Ellen?

November 6, 2015

Different people have different goals for what they consider their highest achievement.  If you’re an actor your goal is to win an Oscar.  For scientists it’s probably winning a Nobel Peace Prize.  If you fall in the infant to toddler range the pinnacle of success seems very clear.  You want to book an appearance on Ellen.

Could there possibly be a brighter feather to put in your cap than siting on the couch with Ellen if you find yourself in the age range of 1 to 5?  If you’ve made it to the set of her show, you’ve pretty much been anointed as the upper echelon when it comes to being adorable or entertaining.  I don’t know if these kids become divas after they’re on her show, but if I saw one of these kids walking on the street and went to say hello  but was intercepted by security who told me, “Billy would prefer if you don’t look him directly in the eye” I would understand.  That level of success brings that kind of privilege.

I want my sons to reach heights that I was never able to.  My mission in life is to get them on this show.  I have probably a four or five year window of cuteness to work with so I have no time to waste.  How am I going to get this done?

1. Make My Babies Go Viral

This is the most obvious way to get on the show.  Noah Ritter, aka “The Apparrently Kid” has made about a dozen appearances on the show.  I’m not that greedy.  I don’t need these kids to be a staple on the program.  One appearance and maybe a “where are they now” segment a few years later is fine by me.  The big problem is that the best viral moments come unplanned.  The “Charlie Bit My Finger” sensation that happened years ago wasn’t staged.

You have to have a camera on these kids constantly in hopes of catching something cute and hilarious and there are no guarantees.  I spend most of my weekend with a GoPro poised for an unforgettable moment.  So far the best I have is Charles staring for a long time at his left hand like he’s on LSD.  Intesting?  Not really.  Troubling?  Perhaps.  But definitely not Ellen material.  I’m wondering how many hours, days, months and years I’m going to spend on the viral plan.

2. Become A Child Prodigy

This plan is even tougher.  It would require time, patience and money to support Arthur or Charles becoming so skilled at something at a young age that they get national attention for it.  They’re not yet six months yet, so there’s no way of knowing what they might become prodigious at.  I’ll tell you this though, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to have to hear them play the piano or guitar all hours of the day in an attempt to master the instrument.  There’s always the hope that they have some innate “Little Man Tate” skill that I don’t have to put any work into fostering.  That would be nice, but I won’t know what I have on my hands for at least another year or so.

3. Have A Niche Skill

This is a photo of Ellen with Macy Hensley.  She’s cute as a bug’s ear and happens to know all the U.S. Presidents in exact order and the highlights of their administration.  She also represents the best chance I have to get the Boys on Ellen.  While her skills are extraordinary for anyone regardless of age, I’m pretty sure that I (and by “I” I mean my wife) can teach Arthur and Charles some comparative skill.  Presidential knowledge is impressive, but Arthur and Charles are twins so I have to raise the bar.  My first thought was teaching them all the Academy Award Winners.  Charles could recite best actors and Arthur could rattle off Best Pictures.  But really, who wants to watch kids rattle off lists.

What I think might get the job done is teaching Arthur and Charles the theme songs to every popular sitcom from the 1960’s to current day.  It’s a daunting challenge but I think I’m (my wife) is up to it.  I refuse to believe that two 3-year old boys singing the theme songs to the Jefferson’s, Gilligan’s Island, Facts of Life, Friends and the Big Bang Theory in a captivating medley won’t win Ellen’s undying love and perhaps even a steady gig in Branson, Missouri.

(“Fish don’t fry in the kitchen!  Beans don’t burn on the grill!  Took a whole lot trying, just to get up that hill!!)

So, I have my plan in place.  Start teaching these kids the songs.  Their new night time lullaby is the theme to Different Strokes and while they’re getting changed they’ll be hearing a story about a man named Brady.  I need three years Ellen.  Just make sure your remain incredible funny and likable and your show stays immensely popular.  I’ll be (my wife will be) putting all efforts into sculpting the Hurley Boys into a power toddler duet team.

Least Favorite Child Results

November 3 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Did you know that local morning news starts at 5am?  I know it does.  I know because Charles likes to get up around that time in the morning.  He probably wants to get a jump in the day by finding what the LA Traffic report is and figure out the areas to avoid when Mommy is strolling him and Arthur around the neighborhood.

November 4 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He pulled his standard habit of taking a good 40 minutes to finish his bottle before bed.  He’s either savoring the quality if the breast milk or he really wants to find out who’s getting voted off of Survivor.

November 5 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Once again I find out 5am traffic issues in LA.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 67

Arthur – 59

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 106