November 6, 2015
Different people have different goals for what they consider their highest achievement. If you’re an actor your goal is to win an Oscar. For scientists it’s probably winning a Nobel Peace Prize. If you fall in the infant to toddler range the pinnacle of success seems very clear. You want to book an appearance on Ellen.
Could there possibly be a brighter feather to put in your cap than siting on the couch with Ellen if you find yourself in the age range of 1 to 5? If you’ve made it to the set of her show, you’ve pretty much been anointed as the upper echelon when it comes to being adorable or entertaining. I don’t know if these kids become divas after they’re on her show, but if I saw one of these kids walking on the street and went to say hello but was intercepted by security who told me, “Billy would prefer if you don’t look him directly in the eye” I would understand. That level of success brings that kind of privilege.
I want my sons to reach heights that I was never able to. My mission in life is to get them on this show. I have probably a four or five year window of cuteness to work with so I have no time to waste. How am I going to get this done?
- Make My Babies Go Viral
This is the most obvious way to get on the show. Noah Ritter, aka “The Apparrently Kid” has made about a dozen appearances on the show. I’m not that greedy. I don’t need these kids to be a staple on the program. One appearance and maybe a “where are they now” segment a few years later is fine by me. The big problem is that the best viral moments come unplanned. The “Charlie Bit My Finger” sensation that happened years ago wasn’t staged.
You have to have a camera on these kids constantly in hopes of catching something cute and hilarious and there are no guarantees. I spend most of my weekend with a GoPro poised for an unforgettable moment. So far the best I have is Charles staring for a long time at his left hand like he’s on LSD. Intesting? Not really. Troubling? Perhaps. But definitely not Ellen material. I’m wondering how many hours, days, months and years I’m going to spend on the viral plan.
2. Become A Child Prodigy
This plan is even tougher. It would require time, patience and money to support Arthur or Charles becoming so skilled at something at a young age that they get national attention for it. They’re not yet six months yet, so there’s no way of knowing what they might become prodigious at. I’ll tell you this though, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to have to hear them play the piano or guitar all hours of the day in an attempt to master the instrument. There’s always the hope that they have some innate “Little Man Tate” skill that I don’t have to put any work into fostering. That would be nice, but I won’t know what I have on my hands for at least another year or so.
3. Have A Niche Skill
This is a photo of Ellen with Macy Hensley. She’s cute as a bug’s ear and happens to know all the U.S. Presidents in exact order and the highlights of their administration. She also represents the best chance I have to get the Boys on Ellen. While her skills are extraordinary for anyone regardless of age, I’m pretty sure that I (and by “I” I mean my wife) can teach Arthur and Charles some comparative skill. Presidential knowledge is impressive, but Arthur and Charles are twins so I have to raise the bar. My first thought was teaching them all the Academy Award Winners. Charles could recite best actors and Arthur could rattle off Best Pictures. But really, who wants to watch kids rattle off lists.
What I think might get the job done is teaching Arthur and Charles the theme songs to every popular sitcom from the 1960’s to current day. It’s a daunting challenge but I think I’m (my wife) is up to it. I refuse to believe that two 3-year old boys singing the theme songs to the Jefferson’s, Gilligan’s Island, Facts of Life, Friends and the Big Bang Theory in a captivating medley won’t win Ellen’s undying love and perhaps even a steady gig in Branson, Missouri.
(“Fish don’t fry in the kitchen! Beans don’t burn on the grill! Took a whole lot trying, just to get up that hill!!)
So, I have my plan in place. Start teaching these kids the songs. Their new night time lullaby is the theme to Different Strokes and while they’re getting changed they’ll be hearing a story about a man named Brady. I need three years Ellen. Just make sure your remain incredible funny and likable and your show stays immensely popular. I’ll be (my wife will be) putting all efforts into sculpting the Hurley Boys into a power toddler duet team.
Least Favorite Child Results
November 3 – Least Favorite is Charles. Did you know that local morning news starts at 5am? I know it does. I know because Charles likes to get up around that time in the morning. He probably wants to get a jump in the day by finding what the LA Traffic report is and figure out the areas to avoid when Mommy is strolling him and Arthur around the neighborhood.
November 4 – Least Favorite is Arthur. He pulled his standard habit of taking a good 40 minutes to finish his bottle before bed. He’s either savoring the quality if the breast milk or he really wants to find out who’s getting voted off of Survivor.
November 5 – Least Favorite is Charles. Once again I find out 5am traffic issues in LA.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 67
Arthur – 59
Days Tied – 1
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 106
Laura (PA Pict) said:
Please, please, please achieve the sitcom theme song ambition! I would love to see Charles and Arthur do that. I have never watched an episode of ‘Ellen’ but I would tune in to see your kiddos do that.
I know a couple of folks who have tried very hard to chase fame for their kids, maybe not to an absolutely crazily pushy degree but it was certainly a major focus for them, yet fame eludes them. I think, therefore, that making something fun or at least giving your kids an unusual talent – such as the ability to sing all those theme songs – stands them in better stead psychologically than schlepping to auditions all the time and being trained to be cute.
PS I am beginning to lose respect for NPH for not answering you.
LikeLike
stephenmhurley said:
Laura, thank you for “getting” my vision!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:
May I be your (wife’s) diaper wrangler when they get famous?
Brilliance, Sir H! The provocative nature of your own terrifying parenting skills leaves me in stitches of horror and hilarity time and again. Bravo!
LikeLike
E said:
You’d think there’d be an easier way, but who doesn’t love sitcom songs? Teach them to harmonize and you’re set for life!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nancy said:
Sounds like a good plan. Maybe thay could record a Holiday album as well. BTW Congratulations on maintaining your sense of humor. When my children were 5 months old my sense of humor was non existent…along with a good nights sleep.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ruth2Day said:
so you get the songs right, now you have to decide how to dress them? could they be Ross, or Joey? Hang on you have twins, you can have Ross and Joey!
LikeLike
thecheekyhousewife said:
Sitcom medley while miming. (you wanna go where everybody knows your naaammme). You’re welcome.
LikeLiked by 2 people
thecheekyhousewife said:
I keep forgetting to do smiley faces when I comment! 🙂 🙂 🙂
LikeLike
Kelly said:
Quite entertaining!
LikeLike
Kelly at Reasons to Ruminate said:
LOVE the least favorite child comments. I may have to begin a list like that in my own home!
LikeLike
Shreya said:
1. Find out who their favourite celebrity is
2. Tell them said celebrity is married and film their tears
3. Post to YouTube
Ellen will call them along with the celebrity. What’s easier – unhealthy childhood obsession with a celebrity or learning theme songs?
LikeLike
stephenmhurley said:
Smart plan, Shreya!!
LikeLike
Birdie said:
I have no idea how to get your kids on Ellen but as for Neil Patrick Harris you could consider changing their names to Neil and Patrick. Change your last name to Harris and you are a shoe in. Either that or a restraining order. That might even end up as a topic on Ellen!
LikeLike
stephenmhurley said:
Thanks, Birdie! That’s the type of creative thinking I need.
LikeLiked by 1 person
1 Nothing Please said:
I feel like I am coming across as creepy because I ave been binge reading your posts but I can’t seem to stop because each one gets funnier than before 😀
LikeLike
stephenmhurley said:
1 Nothing, thank you soooo much!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:
In going back over the blogs you’ve written, I must say I’ve been entranced by your amazing ability! To bring something so alien and terrifying to single people – and simultaneously something so mundane and laborious to those who are parents – and found an miraculous middle ground wherein you speak to us in a way we can all relate. You are a true gift to the blogging world, and your fans agree!
That said, without further ado, I present to you a Liebster Award nomination! I’m sure this is but one of countless awards you’ve received; but it is given by your peers. That is kind of like the SAG awards, I guess – but may it hang from your mantle with all the rest!
Follow the simple instructions as you will, when you can, to bring this award to life! Kudos, good sir!
https://todduffey.wordpress.com/2015/11/09/ive-been-nominated-for-a-lieibster-award/
LikeLike
stephenmhurley said:
Duff, I am honored by your nomination, but doesn’t the Liebster require me to do stuff? I mean, I think we’ve established that there are no limits to my laziness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:
Touche, good man! Yes, there is some assembly required to this award. Thus it will be the thought that counts on this award nomination! Here’s to months and years more amazing work from your languid attempts to explain the awesome that is your life!
LikeLike