November 3, 2015
I let Dunkin Donuts dictate the Holidays for me. The first time I see the green Christmas ribbon don their styrofoam cups I know it’s officially the Holiday Season. Usually this fills me with cheer, but yesterday when I grasped my medium coffee with extra cream and an amount of sugar I’m uncomfortable divulging, I saw the festive Holiday logo staring at me and my heart was filled with dread.
This cup of joyful tidings can mean only one thing. As a new parent to twins, for the first time in my life I’m going to have to send Holiday Cards. For years I’ve snidely judged and made fun of these Holiday family photos when they arrive in the mail, and now karmic justice will be served when I send mine.
My wife on the other hand couldn’t be more thrilled. She loves a project as much as I loathe one. She’ll throw herself into photos of the Boys like Michael Bay shooting Pearl Harbor. Hours will pass by while she works to get a photo of Arthur and Charles just right. Just this weekend she began prepping them for a picture at 1pm and then started kicking it into second gear as she looked up at the sky after a few hours and said out loud, “Shit! We’re going to lose our light!”
Imagine the glory that would have bathed this picture if she had planned the proper man hours to get it done.
She learned enough to move to an indoor setting for this shoot. They’re the only five month old kids I know of that had Halloween costume changes. If this is what goes on during the small holiday that kicks off the season, I shudder to think of the production my wife has planned for the BIG Holiday. I’m screwed. In order to get the photo above I was enlisted to engage the children by saying “Ah boo boo boo” no less than one thousand times. Judging from the look on their face I might want to find a more entertaining phrase.
For the BIG Holiday picture I’m sure my wife is going to need to enlist a bigger crew than just myself. I imagine a lighting unit, craft service and a small video village will be needed to accomplish whatever she has in mind.
(Can we get an AD to adjust the Boys’ sock level to ankle high please?)
And I have no doubt this will take place during a Sunday football game that I’ll valiantly attempt to watch while running between the living room and the photo room to make engaging noises for the Boys. This will go on for about an hour before my wife will shut off the TV in annoyance and my face will turn a horrified shade of pure white.
What will the end result be? Will it be this?
That would be nice. Of course before it gets to that there are sure to be many of these moments.
(My money is on Charles to not embrace the Holiday spirit of the photo taking. He takes after me in this way.)
And this is just the first year! I have at least a decade of my wife’s crazy Holiday photo schemes to deal with and photos that people will get to sneer at just like I have sneered at theirs for so many years.
(Happy Holiday From The Hurleys – 2023)
(Happy Holiday from Arthur and Charles – 2031)
(Please God, don’t let my wife find this photo!)
I guess I shouldn’t complain. For the moment I’m dealing only with watching my wife handle the logistics of the Holiday Photo. I’m sure in a few years she’ll decide it’s time for a yearly Holiday letter. When that day arrives I can only hope that total numbness has set it.
(Can we ever forget the banner year 2010 was for the Jacobsons?)
Least Favorite Child Results
Work has been a grind and left me with lots of days to catch up on in the standings. Quite frankly, Charles could have won LFC honors every day.
October 29 – Least Favorite is Charles. This kid takes very well to boob feeding in the morning, but not so much the rest of the day. This can put my wife in a bad mood and I guess I don’t blame her. If I whipped out my tit and someone cried hysterically, I’d take it personally. Putting Mommy in a bad mood has a ripple effect and that’s totally on Charles.
October 30 – LFC is Charles. Continued boob issues.
October 31 – LFC is Arthur. He’s all smiles and happiness at home. Then you bring him to meet some people thinking he’ll charm the pants off of them and he gives them a catatonic stare for an hour. Once this kid meets people in public he becomes a Mattel product.
(I love your son, Arthur. He’s almost life like.)
November 1 – LFC is Charles. Most of us enjoy getting that extra hour of sleep when we turn the clocks back. Charles is not like most of us. He’s a maverick who won’t live by society’s rules and will get up at his usual time for food whether you like it or not. What a little dick.
November 2 – LFC is Charles once again, but it was close. Both of them had boob issues, but I think Charles is just being a bad influence.
Total Days As Least Favorite Child
Charles – 65
Arthur – 58
Days Tied – 1
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 103
Here’s NPH’s Halloween photo. He and my wife were made for each other.
My Least Favorite Child Today 
At least she isn’t knitting sweaters for NEXT year’s photo. Perhaps the age of the boys is a grace. She can’t make them sit for next year’s photo in 4 months because people could tell. (And this relates to a direct scarring when my mother made my sister and me dress up in horrific Christmas sweaters in July so the photographer would have good light and she could force another sitting without harming her need to get them out November 1st to start sending them.) A family photo with everyone imitating Charles? And what’s with fig leaf Christmas pictures?! There are some photos I would walk out on. That one counts.
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If you ever require a documentation of any of this (to prove to the courts or to other that this ACTUALLY happens), please don’t hesitate to call . Brilliant angst-riddled writing again, good sir. You’re like a John Hughes film if it was ever allowed to grow up.
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The worst thing about the Jacobsens’ letter is the grammar.
Do they still have Sears’ Portrait Studios? Because I think a scheduled appointment that runs late and right into naptime/cranky time because they triple-book everyone is the right way to start off the season.
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I want video, please? Sincerely, the mom of three who has endured more torturous photo shoots than I care to count, and dreads receiving the Holiday letters from all the perfect families in my life.
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You need a warning on your pics. Scrolling down to the fig leaf picture I nearly had a seizure. What goes through the mind of someone like that? If you avoid even semi nudity at Christmas you’re doing the Cloud a service, I’d say. Lovely thoughtful compassionate post as usual… oh sorry, wrong blog.
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Arthur and Charles are so adorable that there’s no way the holiday photo can fail. Every recipient will be delighted.
I gave up trying to orchestrate group photos of my four boys years ago. Now I take semi candid shots of them to be group photos and, as the year draws to a close, I ponder which group photo might make the cut as the holiday card photo. It cuts out a lot of stress and really people just want to see what my kids look like rather than how much I can make them match and pose. They may all be secretly judging me for my lack of effort, of course, but at least I didn’t send an e-card.
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Reblogged this on thecheekyhousewife and commented:
Omgosh. I love this blog. Every post is hilarious. Go read it! You’ll thank me later.
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Thanks so much, Cheeky!!!!
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I love reading your posts out loud to my husband – who probably loathes me doing so. They make my day.. so thanks! Looking forward to more!
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Thanks, S-Mom! Please apologize to your husband for me.
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Don’t get me wrong, he loves your posts just not me reading to him like he is a child..haha. Keep up the great writing.
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This blog is just too funny!!! 😀
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Love your blog.. I can relate… But with your wife.. I am on a photo frenzy myself you know!
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I think you are setting your expectations far too low. Hasn’t the collector of “Awkward Family Photos” made a mint from sketchy people displaying their sketchiness for all to see, and perhaps royalties to the originators of the awkwardness? Hint: If you include random animals, I’m sure your family will be bumped to the head of the line… I’d say nudity too, but then you are dancing with the possibility of a visit from social services. Something like that might make your next visit with your family a tad more uncomfortable, but perhaps your mother wouldn’t insist on the Christmas photo gift anymore. Come to think of it, maybe that is a win for your camp.
On a more serious note, your wife’s mental capacity is impressive. I’m lucky I haven’t lost my single eighteen-month-old at the end of the day.
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