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November 3, 2015

I let Dunkin Donuts dictate the Holidays for me.  The first time I see the green Christmas ribbon don their styrofoam cups I know it’s officially the Holiday Season.  Usually this fills me with cheer, but yesterday when I grasped my medium coffee with extra cream and an amount of sugar I’m uncomfortable divulging, I saw the festive Holiday logo staring at me and my heart was filled with dread.

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This cup of joyful tidings can mean only one thing.  As a new parent to twins, for the first time in my life I’m going to have to send Holiday Cards.  For years I’ve snidely judged and made fun of these Holiday family photos when they arrive in the mail, and now karmic justice will be served when I send mine.

My wife on the other hand couldn’t be more thrilled.  She loves a project as much as I loathe one.  She’ll throw herself into photos of the Boys like Michael Bay shooting Pearl Harbor.  Hours will pass by while she works to get a photo of Arthur and Charles just right.  Just this weekend she began prepping them for a picture at 1pm and then started kicking it into second gear as she looked up at the sky after a few hours and said out loud, “Shit!  We’re going to lose our light!”

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Imagine the glory that would have bathed this picture if she had planned the proper man hours to get it done.

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She learned enough to move to an indoor setting for this shoot.  They’re the only five month old kids I know of that had Halloween costume changes.  If this is what goes on during the small holiday that kicks off the season, I shudder to think of the production my wife has planned for the BIG Holiday.  I’m screwed.  In order to get the photo above I was enlisted to engage the children by saying “Ah boo boo boo” no less than one thousand times.  Judging from the look on their face I might want to find a more entertaining phrase.

For the BIG Holiday picture I’m sure my wife is going to need to enlist a bigger crew than just myself.  I imagine a lighting unit, craft service and a small video village will be needed to accomplish whatever she has in mind.

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(Can we get an AD to adjust the Boys’ sock level to ankle high please?)

And I have no doubt this will take place during a Sunday football game that I’ll valiantly attempt to watch while running between the living room and the photo room to make engaging noises for the Boys. This will go on for about an hour before my wife will shut off the TV in annoyance and my face will turn a horrified shade of pure white.

What will the end result be?  Will it be this?

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That would be nice.  Of course before it gets to that there are sure to be many of these moments.

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(My money is on Charles to not embrace the Holiday spirit of the photo taking.  He takes after me in this way.)

And this is just the first year!  I have at least a decade of my wife’s crazy Holiday photo schemes to deal with and photos that people will get to sneer at just like I have sneered at theirs for so many years.

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(Happy Holiday From The Hurleys – 2023)

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(Happy Holiday from Arthur and Charles – 2031)

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(Please God, don’t let my wife find this photo!)

I guess I shouldn’t complain.  For the moment I’m dealing only with watching my wife handle the logistics of the Holiday Photo.  I’m sure in a few years she’ll decide it’s time for a yearly Holiday letter.  When that day arrives I can only hope that total numbness has set it.

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(Can we ever forget the banner year 2010 was for the Jacobsons?)

Least Favorite Child Results

Work has been a grind and left me with lots of days to catch up on in the standings.  Quite frankly, Charles could have won LFC honors every day.

October 29 – Least Favorite is Charles.  This kid takes very well to boob feeding in the morning, but not so much the rest of the day.  This can put my wife in a bad mood and I guess I don’t blame her.  If I whipped out my tit and someone cried hysterically, I’d take it personally.  Putting Mommy in a bad mood has a ripple effect and that’s totally on Charles.

October 30 – LFC is Charles.  Continued boob issues.

October 31 – LFC is Arthur.  He’s all smiles and happiness at home.  Then you bring him to meet some people thinking he’ll charm the pants off of them and he gives them a catatonic stare for an hour.  Once this kid meets people in public he becomes a Mattel product.

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(I love your son, Arthur.  He’s almost life like.)

November 1 – LFC is Charles.  Most of us enjoy getting that extra hour of sleep when we turn the clocks back.  Charles is not like most of us.  He’s a maverick who won’t live by society’s rules and will get up at his usual time for food whether you like it or not.  What a little dick.

November 2 – LFC is Charles once again, but it was close.  Both of them had boob issues, but I think Charles is just being a bad influence.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 65

Arthur – 58

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 103

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Here’s NPH’s Halloween photo.  He and my wife were made for each other.

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