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October 28, 2015

I don’t want to bury the lead but I have to start off by saying that the first 3,000 mile plane trip Arthur and Charles took was shockingly pleasant.  From LA to Boston and back totaled 11 hours in the air and only two of those minutes contained tears.  One of those minutes belonged to me when I found out my in flight TV was busted.

The only outburst occurred on the first flight at take off when Arthur lost his mind for a minute.  I think he did this just as a warning to let us know he had all the power.  He could make this flight as enjoyable or horrible as he wanted. It was important for him to remind us that that the collective fate of everyone on Jet Blue Flight 405 to Boston rested in the palm of his cute little five month old hand.  It’s kind of like when someone brandishes a pistol without using it.  You know where you stand.

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(Just remember, I’m holding all the cards here.  Wake me when the beverage cart comes around.)

So, the hard part of the trip went off without a hitch.  And when Grammy and Grandpa met their new grand kids they thought they were fantastic.  Not really a shock there.  They share a bloodline with these guys so their bound to think they’re terrific plus they’re babies. Everyone loves babies.  Even Damien in the first Omen movie was adorable and he was the Antichrist.

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(He might have the blood of a jackal but you can’t help but want to eat that cute little face!)

My parents are the brutally honest kind.  They live to find something about yourself that you can fix and improve your life and give you the tough love.  It’s one of their most impressive skills.  Not being able to find any fault with the babies, I was able to provide them the perfect canvas for their art of harshness.

Have I gained weight since the babies arrived?  Sure, but I gained so much more during the pregnancy.  It’s called empathy.  As a caring husband why would I subject my wife to gaining weight alone.  If she was going to sacrifice her body for the sake of her children, then so was I goddammit. That’s love.  Now that the kids have arrived losing the weight has become somewhat challenging.  My wife of course has to keep eating as she’s breastfeeding.  And I have to keep eating because….I like to.

Just last night my wife and I were looking at ourselves in a photo taken from our visit and were shocked by how hulking we were.  We wondered if we should start bullying other couples just because by size we might seem a little intimidating.

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(You’d think twice about getting into a scrape with a couple that looked like this, right?)

I give my parents credit.  At least three hours went by before they said anything to me.  When I made a quick trip to Dunkin Donuts and brought back some chocolate frosted’s they saw their opportunity and seized.  While my wife, the lifegiver got a pass on her weight, no such grace was to be given to me.  In the midst of my third donut the first wave came.  My Mother asked me straight out how much I weighed.  I gave her an honest answer and told her I hadn’t weighed myself in over a year.  I threw in that I didn’t believe in assigning numbers to people.  She took her elderly frame to the bathroom, brought back a scale and plunked it down at my feet.  If contestants on the Biggest Loser think Bob and Jillian are frightening they’ve never dealt with the horrifying bluntness of Madeline Hurley.

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(This women is Mr. Rogers compared to my Mother.)

My Mother’s gasp when I stepped on the scale and the results showed up was hardly a self esteem booster.  She pretty much told me that at my weight I was making a steady trip to an early grave.  I went for another donut.  She told me that for Christmas I was to send her a photo of myself 20 pounds lighter.  I told her that I had plenty of photos like that already.  I even had some 30 or 40 pounds lighter if she’d like some of those.  Maybe I could put together a collage.  She found none of this amusing.

My Father formed the second wave an hour and two more donuts later. (I had bought a dozen)  He told me that I had two very special little babies and it was my responsibility to lose weight and get in good shape for them.  I questioned his line of reasoning.  How does he know that these babies are in fact special?  They’re only five months old and he had only seen them for a few hours.  The most special thing they do is make a constant farting noise with their lips.  I asked him if he was sure that these babies were in fact, special enough to lose weight for.  Like my Mother, he dismissed my comments as smart ass statements and just told me to lose weight.

Now I’m left with a hard decision.  Do I lose weight in the hopes that these boys are actually special?  How angry am I going to be if I give up Big Mac Value Meals and pizza and they turn out to be just regular kids?

At any rate I plan on making good on getting my Mom that Christmas photo of myself 20 pounds lighter.  Pre-ordering pants that are way to big for me should accomplish that and make everyone happy.

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Least Favorite Child Results

Lots of days to cover so I’ll be brief as to why they won LCF honors on specific days.

October 22 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Annoying squirmy during feedings

October 23 – LFC is Charles.  Like his Mother he loses everything.  I put a new pacifier in his mouth every fifteen minutes and they disappear.  Somewhere 10 pacifiers are keeping 10 mismatched socks company in a limbo like region

October 24 – LFC is Arthur.  He spits up five ounces of formula for every four ounces he drinks.  His diet plan would meet my Mother’s approval.

October 25 – LCF is Charles.  We were on the East Coast, but Charles decided to stay on West Coast time, so we got to catch the sunrise together.  Sunrises are overrated compared to sleep.

October 26 – LCF is Arthur.  Spit up all over me at the airport.

October 27 – LCF is Arthur.  Spent the day in a bad mood.  It could be having to readjust to the 3 hour time difference or it could be that I forgot to record Dancing with the Stars while we were away.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 61

Arthur – 57

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 98

Image: Neil Patrick Harris and family

It’s the first Halloween since I sent Neil my post.  I plan on celebrating all these milestones.

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