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October 21, 2015

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I don’t think many people hate me.  I’m not saying there aren’t plenty of people who see me walking toward them and think, “Ugh, this guy,” but that’s not hate.  That’s annoyance.  I can deal with that.  But what I’m about to do tomorrow night will make me the focal point of hate from over one hundred people.  One hundred people are about to loathe me and wish that I never existed.  I’m about to take a coast to coast plane flight with 5 month old twins.

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When I prepare for a flight I usually make sure I have comfortable clothes, gum for take off and landing so my ears won’t pop, and a reliable pair of headphones for in flight TV watching.  I have no idea how to prepare for this.  Maybe a bullet proof vest?  An attack dog?  I’m sure I’ll need some protection.

In the best case scenario, Arthur and Charles will sleep through most of the flight, periodically getting up to smile adorably at other passengers who tell my wife and myself, “Your babies are the cutest most well behaved little boys I’ve ever encountered.  Thank you for bringing these gifts into the world.”

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(Don’t mind me.  I’ve just going to quietly watch 3 or 4 Law and Order: SVU’s until we land)

I don’t expect the best case scenario.  My babies are great at a lot of things but first impressions are not their strong suit.  They’re volatile.  If they were an element on the Periodic Table they’d be Helium.  *(I had to look that up.  My sister who was a biology major in college will be very proud of me.)

When these kids decide to lose it they go all out and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.  It’s like trying to hold back the ocean with a broom. They’re a tsunami of crying, screaming unhappiness that needs to run it’s course.  That might be 15 minutes or it might be sometime when we’re into our final descent. Their outbursts always make me think of the Sound of Music song, How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria.  The line “How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand”? is a poetic way of asking myself how do I get these babies to stop wailing.

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(These six nuns couldn’t figure out Maria and would certainly strangle my sons if they were stuck with them in coach seating)

I’m not sure how I’ll deal with the hate of hundreds.  Can you buy a round of drinks for an entire flight?  If so, will I just be creating an angry mob that’s now a little drunk?  My wife is great at preparing for every contingency.  She’s got every little thing you could imagine to keep these kids happy and content during the flight.

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This is just one of the things she purchased.  The Fly Baby, baby hammock for air travel with infants.  This baby looks very happy.  I just think this is a more comfortable space for my babies to scream at the top of their lungs ruining someone’s Skymall reading enjoyment.

She’s keeps buying gadgets so I’m hoping she’s smart enough to have purchased cute little baby parachutes should things turn even uglier than I imagine.

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My wife and I have decided the best way to defeat the hate is to turn it into pity.  If we can look completely defeated and worn down by these kids we might stand a chance.  We’ve been practicing these looks for weeks now.

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(I’ve perfected this look.  It actually came easily and naturally)

I’ve flown many times on flights with crying babies and been annoyed.  I’ve always asked what would possess someone to fly with a baby.  What type of masochistic idiot would subject themselves to this?  I’m traveling with these kids because my parents are in their twilight years and can’t fly out to the west coast at their age.  I’m pretty sure if someone had told me the same thing when I was outraged my response would have been, “Send them a video.”

People keep telling me that it might not be as bad as I think it will.  I’m going to keep lowering the bar of expectations as much as humanly possible in hopes that it won’t be as horrible as the armageddon I predict.

The friendly skies are about to get cranky, and the rain you feel falling from above tomorrow night might be tears coming from my sons, my wife, myself…and everyone flying on JetBlue.

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Least Favorite Child Results

October 18 and 19 – It’s a tough call for me on these days.  I was working all weekend and if I go by the info my wife passes on there would never be a least favorite.  I’m going to give Least Favorite Honors to Arthur on both days.  Each night I got home he gave me that absentee dad look.  Somebody’s got to keep the diapers coming through the door and I don’t think he’s ready to pitch in, so whatever.

October 20 – Least Favorite is Charles.  He stared at my face for a long time, specifically my double chin.  I think he’s trying to make me insecure.  Kids are honest, and I think his honest opinion is that I need to get to the gym.  This is coming from someone who’s 100% body fat.

October 21 – Least Favorite is Charles.  More staring.  This time he stared for about 30 minutes at a shirt I happened to wear twice in the same week.  He’s very judgy.

Total Days As Least Favorite Child

Charles – 58

Arthur – 54

Days Tied – 1

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris received my post and hasn’t responded – 92

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Is this the shrug you’ll give me Neil when I ask why you haven’t gotten back to me?

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