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October 15, 2015

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I’m not getting the same thing out my fatherhood experience as other dads.  I can tell from what they post on Facebook.  Check out what Facebook Friend #1 wrote when his child was born.

“I am caught in a soft breeze, a gentle wave, a quiet whisper of love that is changing me.  Life will change all these I’m sure, but for now I’m lost in the moment.”

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Friend #2 wrote this when his kid arrived in the world.

“It was a moment of thunderous intimacy.  I’ve never before been so needed by another human being.  He wasn’t asking me to feed and protect him, I just understood it was now my job, my calling, my pleasure.”

I remember the first thing I thought and felt when I looked at my newborn sons for the very first time, “I don’t think I installed the car seats correctly.  My wife’s going to have to do it and she’s gonna be pissed.”

I’m just wondering when these moments of profound thought will start hitting me.  I thought maybe it would happen when we reached a significant milestone. A few weeks ago the Boys were close to rolling over so I watched their every move closely for days so I wouldn’t miss it and my chance for a little poignancy.  When one of them finally did it, my first thought was, “Hmm.  Ok, that happened.”  My second thought was, “You know, this kind of sucks.  Now I can’t just plop them down in the middle of the bed or on the couch when I want to go make a sandwich for myself or find the TV remote.”

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(Look, Dad!  I just rolled over and greatly increased my odds of having a catastrophic accident!!)

Once again, a profound moment escaped me.  To be honest, the milestone that has most impacted me to date is taking a pee at the Long Beach Aquarium with Charles strapped to my chest.  It’s a surreal moment to take a whiz when you can’t see your junk and your hoping that you’re hitting the urinal and not the floor.  When I was done and saw no puddle at my feet I had a proud moment of accomplishment.  Of course that’s more of a ME milestone.  Maybe I’m just too self absorbed to appreciate the big moments of fatherhood.

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Next week we’re traveling back east to introduce my parents to their newest grandchildren.  When I see my father holding one of my sons what will go through my mind?  Will it be…

A) “My father, who helped bring me into this world, is holding my son, who I brought into this world.  This circle of life is an unending tribute to love and the human spirit.”

B) “God, please don’t let this old man drop my baby!”

The smart money is that I’ll be thinking B).

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(Hey, Grandpa!  I’ve seen you drop 18 things this morning alone.  Why don’t take a shot with this squirming human life form?)

Chances are my sons will grow up lacking depth just like me.  It could be argued that they have a chance to have some deep moments as they have my wife’s DNA, but I sucked most of her depth out of her over the years.  She’s certainly not a robot, but she’s not writing sonnets. So it’s not just that I’m shallow and lack depth.  I have the power to strip those qualities from others.  Nice to know I have a power!

Even when I reflect on this very post I lack introspection.  Am I thinking…

A) While not the most interesting or entertaining thing I’ve ever posted, the fact that I’ve committed to writing my feelings down and expose myself to the world (A few dozen followers) makes my heart swell when I reflect on the bravery my soul has summoned.

B) Look, I’m at 594 words.  I should stop writing now.

Least Favorite Child Results

October 12 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  He’s started to get much chattier which would be super cute if the constant growl he made didn’t sound just like the connection noise when we used dial up internet service back in the 90s.  I’m pretty sure his first words will be, “You’ve got mail!’

October 13 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Charles has a habit of staring at his hands like he’s just dropped acid.  He looks at them like a stoned guy looks at a lava lamp.  I used to find this hilarious, but after a couple of weeks I think he’s way too into himself.

October 14 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Arthur pulled one of his trademark habits to win the LCF honors by sipping his bottle of milk like a fine wine connoisseur.  Take your time, Arthur. I can get to my dinner at midnight.  That’s fine.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 56

Arthur – 52

Days Tied – 1

Days since Neil Patrick Harris has received my post and hasn’t responded – 88

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Neil did not receive this award for being prompt in his replies to people

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