October 5, 2015
I’m using this Chief Brody from Jaws photo because it matches exactly the look on my wife’s face when I came home from work on Friday night. Sitting on the couch, holding one of the babies while also having breast pump apparatus attached to her chest, she had that stunned and frightened look on her face. The same one that Brody had when he uttered, “We’re going to need a bigger boat.”
She explained to me that she went shopping at the Baby’s R Us, to find yet another contraption we could use to keep the Boys entertained and engaged, and ran into another women with 2 year old twin boys. They chatted briefly, about each having twin boys, and my wife mentioned that ours were four months old. The woman looked at my wife and said in a very earnest tone, “Enjoy this time. It gets much worse.”
The woman went onto explain that the second these kids develop the ability to become mobile, Armageddon has arrived. You can’t just leave them someplace like a bag of groceries for a moment to attend to something else. Any hope of having a free minute to relax or zone out is gone forever. This is particularly upsetting as “zoning out” has kind of been my thing for a few decades.
(My skill set; making great toast, bagging groceries without peer, and zoning out)
According to my wife, the woman delivering the news that our already hectic, tiring and aggravating world was soon to become a memory of what we called the salad days, seemed to take pleasure in giving her this news. I never asked what this woman looked like but here’s how I imagine her.
(You will soon enter hell and they’re having a special on Pampers Swaddlers)
Only a character as chilling and frightening at the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, would revel in telling someone that the horrible daily routine they are experiencing at the moment is so much better than what’s to come. Maybe she felt she was doing her a favor by preparing her for the inevitable, but my wife and I are much bigger fans of people who tell us what we WANT to hear and not what they feel we NEED to hear.
What sick individual feels honor bound to pass on bad news to people who are already struggling? Talk about piling it on!!
(Pssst. I know it seems bad now, but it gets worse)
(Sorry, you lost that job, Bill. You’ll see when you’re driving for Uber though that things can get worse.)
(I’m not just cheating on you, Sweetie! I’m cheating on you with that woman you hate from Spin Class.)
When your dealing with two babies at the same time you spend most of your time clinging to a dream that things will get more manageable every week. When it doesn’t get easier the next week, you tell yourself that it will probably just be another week. In other words you lie to yourself. And my wife and I are legendary liars when it comes to what we tell ourselves. Sadly, this Child Catcher arrived to shatter our blissful ignorance and self deception.
I’m betting this woman my wife ran into at the store depresses people every where she goes. It doesn’t matter if you have twins or car trouble. She’ll find a way to make things look even bleaker than they are. I’m writing this post as a warning. Look out for this woman. I’m sure she looks like this guy. Do not accept her candy. Run away. Run far far away.
Least Favorite Child Results
Saturday, October 3 – Least Favorite is Arthur. We went to have lunch down the street with our friends, Janet and Doug. They were delighted to see the Boys, but were not prepared for how much Arthur drools. I don’t know if he drooled more on their clothes or the food they ordered. It’s been four months so at this point I’ve convinced myself that drool can enhance a chicken caesar salad, but they might not be in that place. Sorry, Doug and Janet. You’re very good sports. I’m sure you both took long cleansing showers when you got home.
Sunday, October 4 – I change a lot of diapers, so it’s a rare occasion when one shitty diaper can get you LFC status, but that’s what Arthur accomplished. I wasn’t prepared for what happened when I undid those yellow tabs. I reacted as if I just witnessed Ned Stark’s beheading.
(That look on Sansa’s face says it all.)
I’d like to say I cleaned him up perfectly, but my wife went to give him a bottle later on, and noticed he had some dried crap on his upper back. I had reasonably assumed the crap only went half way up his back. Thanks for making me look derelict in my duties, Arthur!
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Charles – 52 Days
Arthur – 47 Days
Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 78
Halloween’s coming and I’m sure Neil will outdo me on that front as well.
My Least Favorite Child Today 
I remember when I had to change my daughter, she was very sweet but she produced some toxic nappies. It was when cloth nappies were deemed to be environmentally better than disposable ones. I have to admit to flushing 2 or 3 down the toilet.
Thank god it was an English toilet because even little bits of tissue can block an Italian toilet
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This diaper had to go immediately to the outdoor trash. Trash day is Wednesday. It’s going to be tough in my neighborhood until then.
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I used to strategically position my daughter so that she was in the bathroom doorway with just her legs in the hallway. This way I could take lungfuls of fresh air from the hall while keeping the toxic child and smells in the bathroom
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Oh my god…WHY do people have to be assholes and tell you it gets worse? Just WHY?!!! Can I curse in the comment section and not get booted? Hope so. Listen, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I’ve experienced what has to be one of the most difficult parenting scenarios ever — multiples. However, I do have two active boys and they’re just over a year apart (I KNOW!! not twins, but I’m on your side here, so stay with me), and I can tell you that while yes, two toddlers will bring a different set of challenges that you and your wife are more than capable of handling, it absolutely does not get worse. It gets amazingly fun. They are entertaining as can be, hysterical and the most lovable little creatures ever at that stage. And I’ll give you encouragement even further down the line — mine are 7 and 6 now and it’s pretty freaking awesome. They play together. A built in, live-in-the-same-house kind of playmate is fabulous. I went to a friend’s house yesterday and her 7y0 who has no siblings close in age talked my head off and wanted his mom to play with him the entire time I was there. My kids don’t do that — they go play together and I’m left alone to read, breathe in silence, have a cup of coffee, whatever. Tell your wife that there will always be parenting a-holes who see you over there surviving and feel the need to take you down a notch. The Babies-R-Us biddy was probably in awe of how well she was doing and was jealous. The infant stage was horrible in my humble opinion and EVERYTHING since has been far easier.
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Haha, oh twins. When my twin boys were born, I had two other boys. At the twins were born, my oldest was 4, and the middle child was 2. Imagine 4 boys under the age of 4. Pure madness!
I love your posts and I share them often!
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Coming from an Opinionated Woman, I couldn’t be more flattered!!
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I have never had twins so maybe twin parenting is different in this regard but my experience – as a parent of four living children – is that some things get worse and some things get better at each and every stage. For example, yes, when babies become more mobile it gets exhausting keeping them from harm at every turn and every possession in your house migrates to chin level or higher but that same stage is usually when the baby is much more capable f communicating their needs and desires and, therefore, that starts to make life easier and cuts down on the gurning and frustrating grunting and wailing. The truth is that children never stop presenting us with challenges because parenting is the toughest job going but each stage’s challenges are balanced out by each stage’s rewards. For instance, my oldest is now 12 years old and is in full-on sullen, sulky teenage mode already and communication with him can be very trying at times but – at the same time – he is becoming capable of having much more independence and of being helpful around the house so I can see that for all his neanderthal grunting at me he is actually maturing into the type of young man I hoped I was raising.
For what it is worth, the baby stage was my least favourite stage of parenthood. I was permanently exhausted from sleep-deprivation and felt enslaved to these darling little creatures that did nothing but poop and eat and spew and rage. The Terrible Twos were also no picnic but were definitely easier than the Threes but definitely that baby stage was the phase of parenthood I most struggled with. Besides, you have a great depository of good humour on your side and that really does see you through a lot.
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Thanks, Laura. I’ll consult your comments here for the coming months!
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Well I did offer the caveat that I have never had twins. I could very well be wrong.
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One baby, two babies. I’m just going to take it from a Pro!
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Hahaha, “leave them like a bag of groceries,” those were the days! Don’t let the negative lady get you down, that’s why they invented baby gates and play yards. She’s probably the type who tells horrific labor stories to first-time expecting moms. Big thumbs down to her!
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I am using your blog to scare the beejezus out of younger family members. “This is what happens when you don’t have a condom budget.”
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Yay! The truth is revealed about these people! Well explained, good writer man!
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ha! My one monster is more than enough to inspire hair pulling and a nice tall one at the end of the day. How two are managed is beyond me. I believe that I would be consistently comatose under caffeine and wine.
No one can tell me this is not a perfect combination and totally unhealthy for my kids. lol
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hahahaha! I think all us parents like to lay it on thick that life is going to be tough.
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What true evil! Don’t believe that doomsday predictor! Twin boys getting older will be as much an Armageddon as that Mayan Calendar scare that was proven completely and utterly bogus. She’s saying that because HER twin boys are monsters, obviously. Which doesn’t mean that yours will be angels, but yours will be normal. You’ll find moments of easiness and ways to cope. And when they reach a certain point of self-sufficiency, you’ll manage to forget all but the very best and need reminders of the very worst. At least that’s what my mother who constantly says “You did that? I don’t remember that. Are you sure?” about my sister’s and my antics.
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Good thing y’all didn’t run into her when you were still expecting the boys, you would have been completely ruined on the experience by then!
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Hilarious! I loved it! reading this made my day!
P.S.: How on earth do I subscribe to this blog? :$
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One afternoon I was at our local mall watching my two year old daughter climbing and galavanting about the play area as a nearby mom holding an infant kept glaring at my bulging 8 month pregnant belly. Eventually I gathered up my daughter and began to leave the play area when the nearby mom grabbed my arm, “It’s terrible! Having a baby with a two year old, you are going to feel like a terrible person. There is no way to have time for both, you are going to feel as if you’ve abandoned the oldest.” She actually looked like she was going to cry, which of course only made an incredibly awkward situation more awkward.
I kept thinking, look lady, I’m 8 months end, pregnant, hormonal, and probably already feeling my own level of uneasiness for the change to come. I felt for her I really did, on so many levels, but why do people have to be so negative?!
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