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October 5, 2015

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I’m using this Chief Brody from Jaws photo because it matches exactly the look on my wife’s face when I came home from work on Friday night.  Sitting on the couch, holding one of the babies while also having breast pump apparatus attached to her chest, she had that stunned and frightened look on her face.  The same one that Brody had when he uttered, “We’re going to need a bigger boat.”

She explained to me that she went shopping at the Baby’s R Us, to find yet another contraption we could use to keep the Boys entertained and engaged, and ran into another women with 2 year old twin boys.  They chatted briefly, about each having twin boys, and my wife mentioned that ours were four months old.  The woman looked at my wife and said in a very earnest tone, “Enjoy this time.  It gets much worse.”

The woman went onto explain that the second these kids develop the ability to become mobile, Armageddon has arrived.  You can’t just leave them someplace like a bag of groceries for a moment to attend to something else.  Any hope of having a free minute to relax or zone out is gone forever.  This is particularly upsetting as “zoning out” has kind of been my thing for a few decades.

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(My skill set; making great toast, bagging groceries without peer, and zoning out)

According to my wife, the woman delivering the news that our already hectic, tiring and aggravating world was soon to become a memory of what we called the salad days, seemed to take pleasure in giving her this news.  I never asked what this woman looked like but here’s how I imagine her.

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(You will soon enter hell and they’re having a special on Pampers Swaddlers)

Only a character as chilling and frightening at the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, would revel in telling someone that the horrible daily routine they are experiencing at the moment is so much better than what’s to come.  Maybe she felt she was doing her a favor by preparing her for the inevitable, but my wife and I are much bigger fans of people who tell us what we WANT to hear and not what they feel we NEED to hear.

What sick individual feels honor bound to pass on bad news to people who are already struggling? Talk about piling it on!!

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(Pssst.  I know it seems bad now, but it gets worse)

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(Sorry, you lost that job, Bill.  You’ll see when you’re driving for Uber though that things can get worse.)

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(I’m not just cheating on you, Sweetie!  I’m cheating on you with that woman you hate from Spin Class.)

When your dealing with two babies at the same time you spend most of your time clinging to a dream that things will get more manageable every week.  When it doesn’t get easier the next week, you tell yourself that it will probably just be another week.  In other words you lie to yourself.  And my wife and I are legendary liars when it comes to what we tell ourselves.  Sadly, this Child Catcher arrived to shatter our blissful ignorance and self deception.child-catcher-scary

I’m betting this woman my wife ran into at the store depresses people every where she goes.  It doesn’t matter if you have twins or car trouble.  She’ll find a way to make things look even bleaker than they are. I’m writing this post as a warning.  Look out for this woman.  I’m sure she looks like this guy.  Do not accept her candy.  Run away.  Run far far away.

Least Favorite Child Results

Saturday, October 3 – Least Favorite is Arthur. We went to have lunch down the street with our friends, Janet and Doug.  They were delighted to see the Boys, but were not prepared for how much Arthur drools.  I don’t know if he drooled more on their clothes or the food they ordered.  It’s been four months so at this point I’ve convinced myself that drool can enhance a chicken caesar salad, but they might not be in that place.  Sorry, Doug and Janet.  You’re very good sports.  I’m sure you both took long cleansing showers when you got home.

Sunday, October 4 – I change a lot of diapers, so it’s a rare occasion when one shitty diaper can get you LFC status, but that’s what Arthur accomplished.  I wasn’t prepared for what happened when I undid those yellow tabs.  I reacted as if I just witnessed Ned Stark’s beheading.

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(That look on Sansa’s face says it all.)

I’d like to say I cleaned him up perfectly, but my wife went to give him a bottle later on, and noticed he had some dried crap on his upper back.  I had reasonably assumed the crap only went half way up his back.  Thanks for making me look derelict in my duties, Arthur!

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 52 Days

Arthur – 47 Days

Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 78

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Halloween’s coming and I’m sure Neil will outdo me on that front as well.

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