When Can I Put My Infants To Work?

Tags

Humor, parenting

September 28, 2015

My wife has many wonderful qualities.  Too many to list.  But who wants to read all the great stuff about a person.  I certainly don’t.  Let’s focus on her worst quality.  She’s an incredible slob.  The worst I’ve ever come across and I was no slouch in that department before we met 16 years ago.

When we first moved in together I remember coming home after work and becoming alarmed at what I saw.  Her clothes had been thrown on the ground just like you’d see in a movie when someone is in the throws of passion.  Shoes on the ground, followed by pants, then underwear, shirt and bra, leading to the bedroom.  When my shaky hand had the courage to turn the knob and open the door, what I saw was anti-climatic, but would still impact my life forever.  There she was, in bed with a book, a soda and a sleeve of crackers!

(Doesn’t the bedding in every house have food stains?)

Finding my wife like this set the table, for the next 15 years, of random piles of clothes in every corner of the house, dirty dishes found in unexplainable areas and the interior of a car that is not to believed.

(I’ve been sent to find things in her car, and always come back a shaken man)

It all evens out.  I can’t do any of the man stuff around the house, and it’s been left to her.  Anything that needs to built, installed, hung or involves batteries has been deemed her chore because I am so inept.

What neither of has spoken out loud, but I know we’re both thinking is that we’re looking forward to our children doing all this crap for us.  Sure, we talk about how excited we’re going to be when they speak their first words or take their first steps but the milestone that really makes my heart skip a beat, is imagining one or both of them unloading the dishwasher and putting everything away.

(You can’t see it, but take me at my word.  Posting this photo has caused a single tear to trickle down my face in a touching yet masculine way.)

I know that some kids are early speakers, uttering their first words at seven or eight months.  I want my Boys to be early workers.  I want people to marvel when they see my sons mowing the lawn at the age of three.

I see no need to patronize my children with a Fisher Price lawn mower.  The Hurley Boys are going to get the real deal.  These power mowers have plenty of safety features and if they’re going to play it makes sense to play productively.

Same goes for all kids tools.

As a parent who respects his children, I’m not going to give Arthur and Charles a set of tools and work bench that won’t get the job done.  Every adult has known the thrill of holding a real power drill and I’m going to give them that same thrill in very practical terms as soon as humanly possible.  Let the other parents have their kids leave a plastic hammer in the toaster.  My Boys are going to be drilling holes for curtain rods in their bedroom. They’ll be like little Amish Boys who get to watch TV.  They’re going to be Mommy’s little helpers, but for real.

Their first steps are going to soon be followed by a fun game I like to call, “Let’s Pick Up After Mommy.”

I’ll play the game with them the first time or two so they know the rules, but after that they’ll enjoy this game so much more without Daddy’s interference.

It’s been four and a half months of hard labor taking care of these kids.  How soon is “too soon” to start making a chore chart and posting it on the Fridge?  I say let’s get them ahead of the curve.

Least Favorite Child Results

September 26 – Least Favorite is Charles.  I may have set him up for winning the day.  We planned a Saturday trip to the Aquarium and by haphazardly putting a diaper on him before we left, I set in motion what was to come.  Right around the time we were looking at the Jellyfish Exhibit, my wife had a look on her face that told me that she wasn’t just amazed at this beautiful sea creature.  Charles had crapped through his diaper and onto my wife.  After a half hour in the bathroom she emerged with a wet shirt and Charles in nothing but a diaper.  In just one bowel movement he had turned our family into the white trash family at the Aquarium.

September 27 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Sometimes winning Least Favorite is all about timing.  Arthur decided to get fussy and need attention during the second half of a good football game.  Tough to get into the game while you’re coddling another human.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 50 Days

Arthur – 45 Days

Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 73

Happy Monday, you devilish bastard!