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September 23, 2015

Yesterday a Facebook friend posted a photo of themselves holding their two month old God Son with the simple caption, “Infinite Possibilities.”  Never have two words been such an immense truckload of crap.

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(Go ahead and cry young man because you’ll never be the first Black U.S. President)

I’m pretty sure everyone has FINITE possibilities. As far as babies are concerned we just don’t know what those are right away because they can’t do ANYTHING yet.  In fact, they display such an alarming lack of potential you wonder if they have any possibilities.

I’m sure my Boys will be able to do lots of things, but at four months old, I can already tell you that their options are far from infinite.  Rather than give them false hope I’m going to crush some dreams now.  I don’t want to see them waste valuable years of their lives striving for the impossible because some idiot told them that they can be anything they want to be. There are many other worthwhile pursuits that can make them happy and fulfilled.

Here are a few things that just aren’t possible for them.  Things they’ll never be.

  • Competitive Eating Champion

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Nothing would make me happier than spending July 4th at Coney Island cheering the Boys on as they compete against Joey Chesnut and Kobayashi, but it’s never going to happen.  It takes Charles and Arthur at least 20-25 minutes to down 5 ounces of milk.  These guys like to savor their food and I just don’t see them eating 64 hot dogs in ten minutes time.

  • Brooding Cologne Model

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Charles and Arthur are far too expressive to lock in the type of look this guy is sporting.  Charles is either smiling, crying or looking surprised and shocked at all times.  Arthur is always smiling, shrieking or giving a look of contempt.  Unless they come out with a cologne called “Catharsis,” this type of gig is out for them.

  • Rabbi

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I’m pretty sure you have to be born Jewish to become a Rabbi.  Rather than do any time consuming research let’s just jump to that conclusion.  The biggest disappointment about this is wondering whether I should let the Boys ever watch Fiddler On The Roof.  It’s a delightful musical with rich characters and wonderful music, but I don’t want to fill Charles and Arthur with the hope of becoming part of the Religious Higher Order in the Jewish faith.  Am I going to have to deprive them of Topal?

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(Sorry, Topal.  The sun has risen and the sun has set on Charles and Arthur’s hope of becoming Rabbis)

  • International Spy

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Have you every notice we always refer to spies as “International”?  Are there any spies that limit themselves to working domestically?  I think I would.  Long flights take so long to adjust to.  The time difference and jet lag would make me really bad at this profession.  As for Arthur and Charles, there’s no way they could be spies.  A spy has to be cool and detached.  These guys wear their hearts on their sleeve.  They start crying if someone speaks loudly while they’re breastfeeding.  Odds are they’d be far too teary eyed to dispatch a rival agent or bad guy.

  • Biggest Loser Contestant

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More bad news.  They’ll never be able to get fat enough to be on The Biggest Loser.  I’m not killing their potential dreams of being fat.  It’s simple genetics.  The Hurley Men can certainly pack on the pounds but we cap out at very unhealthy and can’t seem to get to the morbidly obese level.  Sorry, Guys.  The ceiling for your fat potential is people telling you periodically, “You know if you went to the gym, you could lose that weigh in no time.”

These are five “possibilities” of things my Boys can’t be or can’t achieve that I thought of this just this morning driving into work, so the word “infinite” is obviously being used fast and loose by some people.  It’s just plain careless.  As a caring parent I plan on steering my sons into things they can definitely tackle with pride.

There’s plenty of fantastic things they can be.  Maybe they’ll become hosts for a local Mid Morning Talk Show!

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(Good Morning Dayton! A show that has Arthur and Charles written all over it)

Maybe they’ll be Astronauts!

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(Odds of becoming an Astronaut – 13,200,000 to 1)

Or even better, maybe they’ll play an Astronaut!

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(Odds of winning an Academy Award – 11,500 to 1.  Better odds and you get to be Tom Hanks.  Yes, please!!)

Nothing wrong with killing some dreams now.  I only wish my parents had done the same for me when I went through my trombone phase.

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(There were no winner from this 8 month period of my life)

Least Favorite Child Results

September 21 – Least favorite is Charles.  While burping him in the very early morning he head butted me on the chin four times in less than one minute.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem fair that you’re not allowed to punch a baby.  Even if it’s a punch in the arm followed by, “Cut it out, asshole!”

September 22 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  I wish Arthur would be his own little man from time to time.  Just because his brother wakes up or starts crying, doesn’t mean he has to start doing it as well.  Think for yourself, Arthur.  It’s impossible for you to always be upset at the same time as your brother.  You just being a sheep.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 49 Days

Arthur – 44 Days

Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 70

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Congrats on the ratings boost for Best Time Ever, Neil.  I can cheer for you even though you’ve forsaken me.

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