Twin Parents Have A Dirty Little Secret

Tags

Humor, parenting

September 21, 2015

If you have twins, you have more work on your hands than someone with one baby. Twice as many dirty diapers, outfit changes, feedings, tummy times and general consoling. But you also have a great opportunity to use your little bundles of joy to your advantage because there’s a secret that parents of twins don’t want you to know. It’s not nearly as catastrophic as we lead you to believe.

The odds of having twins is roughly 40 to 1.  That means only one person or couple out of forty, is going to know that we’re completely full of shit. Sure we have more work to do, but is it the battlefield of carnage people without twins believe it to be? Not really. It’s tough but manageable. No one I see on a daily basis has twins, and as far as they know, when I go home at the end of the day, I’m walking through the door to my house and into the epic fight scene from ‘Kill Bill’ where Uma Thurman is fighting the Crazy 88s.

(Would you rather be surrounded by these guys or crying babies)

I’d be crazy not to take advantage of the sympathy people are willing to hand out when they give me the “There but for the grace of God go I” look. If I’m going to have more work than the typical Dad who just has one baby then I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth. I have two little precious lemons at home and I’m going to make some extra lemonade out of it.

If you just became a Dad to newborn twins, please enjoy the wealth of my four months of experience. Here are some things you can enjoy.

• Don’t Worry About Your Appearance

As I write this, I have a lasagna stain on the shirt I’m wearing AND I’m at work. When people mention the stain, all I need to do is groan, and say, “Ugh. These kids are a handful.” Of course, my babies weren’t eating lasagna but people’s imaginations run wild with hundreds of scenarios. They imagine me trying to desperately down some food to sustain me with one hand, while with the other I attempt to change two diapers simultaneously. Of course, this stain was the result of my jumping up yesterday when my football team scored a touchdown, while I held a fork with the delightful pasta treat in my hand.

(Remember, Twin Dads.  You’re clothes are really just a giant burp cloth)

Your days of having to worry about any spill on your clothes or having to match your socks is over. Wear mismatched shoes and Bermuda Shots if you want. Enjoy the ride and dress for comfort.

• Attending Social Engagements

Have you ever gone to a party or had drinks with a friend simply because you had blown that person off so many times, you felt obligated to see them to keep up the friendship? You have a three or four year free pass to blow off anyone at any time without any backlash. Change your mind about going to that BBQ where you’re destined to see five or six annoying people you’ve purposely avoided for a decade, at the last moment without repercussions. You don’t even have to notify anyone you won’t be coming. Just let them know with a text, “Can’t come. Twins are being a problem.” People will just look at the text and immediately imagine your house looks like a nuclear test site. Go and grab that weekend nap you deserve.

(You know who wants this guy at their party?  No one)

• Listening To People’s Problems

Whatever problem someone wants to unload on you can be trumped easily, when you just look at them and say, “I’m dealing with twins.” They’ll hear these words and feel silly for even bringing up whatever friend didn’t give their facebook status a like, or the co-worker who keeps asking them to do their work for them. You have the “Twin Card” at your disposal. Use it as often as you’d like.

(I’m sorry, Alan.  I have to cut our time short.  You see, I have twins.)

• Helping Friends In Need

Friends are great…until they ask for a favor. They need you to pick them up if they’re having car problems, watch their dog or God forbid they ask you to help them move. Having two little bundles of joy gets you off the hook for all of this. People won’t even dare ask you for help as they imagine you’re dealing with your own daily Armageddon.

(Never be THIS guy again!)

• You Can Move To The Head Of The Line

If you’re out in public with two babies you should expect first class treatment. People will be holding doors for you, getting out of your way if they happen to be in your path and if there’s a line for anything, two crying babies move you to the front. And it’s not too hard to get a baby to cry. I’m not suggesting pinching it or causing them discomfort in any way. There are subtle ways to get what you need. Put it’s favorite blanket just out of reach or knock the pacifier out of it’s mouth for a few seconds and the screaming will begin, and you’ll be the first to get your Starbuck’s Venti.

I’m just scratching the surface with these suggestions. It’s only been a few months, and I guarantee I’ll find many more ways to use these kids to my advantage.

And the next time you’re cursing in gentle tones at your twins because they won’t sleep at 2:30am, remember you have been given two of the greatest gifts you could ever ask for. The ability to get away with being completely selfish and utterly lazy. That’s when the love kicks in again.

Least Favorite Child Results

September 19 – Least Favorite is Charles. I let my wife go out for a bit on Saturday to have some fun while I watched the kids. It was during these few hours that I learned that Charles will stop crying and fussing if you hold him over your head…constantly. I also learned that I have the arm strength of an eight –year old girl. Holding fifteen pounds over your head is like an endurance challenge on Survivor, and clearly, I would not win the Immunity Idol. My arms still hurt, and if people ask, I’m telling them I went to the gym this week, because it’s tough to convince people that your baby is making you sore.

September 20 – Charles, in a runaway, was Least Favorite. He went into his bassinet with one mission last night, to break me. Mission accomplished. He got up about six times between 10pm and 5:30am. By the time he was done around 6am, I had two options. Go sleep for an hour and wake up with no sleep satisfaction, or shower and go to work. I beat the custodian to the office by a full half hour.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 48 Days

Arthur – 43 Days

Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 68

Happy Monday, Neil!