September 14, 2015
Judge not, lest ye be judged. I don’t think I’ve ever quoted the bible. In truth, it’s a misquote. The actual quote is, “Judge not, that ye not be judged.” Whatever. I think what Matthew really should have said is, go ahead and judge people, just keep it to yourself.
I’m a big fan of judging people. When people proudly exclaim that they never judge people I’m led to believe either that they’re full of crap or they’re a robot devoid of personality. It’s natural to judge others. What separates the the typical judgemental person from the huge douchebag is HOW they judge.
This is Ted. He hates that the guy next to him has to have protein shakes three times a day and talk about his diet nonstop. Ted keeps his feelings to himself. Ted is good at judging.
Meet Kim. We all wish she was a lot more like Ted. She’s bad at judging.
I’ve always liked to judge people. Aside from TV it’s my favorite hobby, and it’s something I want to pass on to my sons. My favorite type of judging is the snap judgement. The type of judging based on the tiniest of information you take in on an initial meeting. I like to think I’ve saved myself countless hours by making correct snap judgments on people, and not wasting time getting to know them. Our time on this planet is finite and I don’t want Arthur and Charles losing valuable hours, days, months or even years getting to know someone that they could write off in 5-10 seconds.
Of course, a lot of my snap judgements are based on my own insecurity, but improving myself could be another endless time suck. I’ve gone about as far as I can go as a developed human being. The Boys are only 4 months now, but soon enough their brains will develop to the point where they can judge others and it’s my job to guide them like a good father should.
I don’t expect them to make the same snap judgements I do. I want them to form their own. I wouldn’t tell them what their favorite ice cream should be so I would never force my snap judgements on them. I will give them some examples to help them on their way though. Here are a few of the snap judgments I think will paint the picture for them. These are people I’ve decided to write off based on practically no information whatsoever.
- Everyone inside of Trader Joe’s.
I know, this one seems pretty large and sweeping. Just look at the photo though. Could they have designed this store to be any more cramped and stressful. I go there twice a year when someone gives me a gift card. I could design a complex football play easier than figure out how to get to the grapes in less than 30 minutes. I don’t understand why anyone would shop at an establishments that tries to pass of Fruit Circles Cereal as something just as good as Froot Loops.
My snap judgement is that it’s an endless sea of women in yoga pants and older people who have compost piles in their backyard. These wheat bread eaters would like to be rich enough to shop at Whole Foods, but decide they’ll take their earthy crunchy attitudes to this lower cost off brand establishment. They’re the type of people that if you have a meal over their house they’d make you a peanut butter sandwich with the Organic Peanut Butter and not Skippy. Then you have to eat it with copious amounts of water and pretend it’s not the most disgusting thing you’ve ever digested.
I think I’ve formed this opinion partly because of the staff at these stores.
They seem to love all their customers. I see them giving high fives to shoppers and complimenting their choice of oranges. When I come to the register there’s a distinct disdain toward me. They somehow know I’m not a regular. It’s clear they’re JUDGING me. This is payback Trader Joe’s. I hope it all ends horribly for you.
- People who pronounce the T in “Often.”
I want Arthur and Charles to know that there’s nothing too small to make a snap judgement on. I grew up in a simpler time when people didn’t pronounce the T in often unless they were as distinguished as Sebastian Cabot, the Gentleman’s Gentleman on Family Affair.
(I’ll always give Mr. French a pass)
Now, I think more people pronounce the T than those who don’t. My snap judgement is that people are trying to sound smarter than they actually are. Webster’s Dictionary turned on me about a decade ago and said that it was acceptable to pronounce either way. Thanks for being so wishy washy Webster. You disappoint me.
- Guys Wearing Fun Hats
I think we’re all making snap judgements on this photo. No one likes this guy, right? Even this guy doesn’t like himself or he would have left the house confident enough in himself to be hatless and still be interesting enough to carry on a conversation. This guy needs a big hug, and it’s not coming from me.
- People Who Attend High School Reunions in their 40s.
Snap judgement; these people aren’t truly remembering how bad their high school experience actually was. We all go through turmoil in our 40s but turning to the people who sat at segregated cafeteria tables that we knew in our teens is not the answer. The guys are likely just looking for a hookup after their second or third divorce like the guy with the sleeve tattoo pictured above.
- People Who Want You To Know How Much They Like Themselves
Snap judgement; we get it, you don’t fall into a conventional category of person. Stop owning it without a trace of insecurity. It’s fine to be different, just show some insecurity from time to time like the rest of us, rather than burying it inside. Your “I love myself warts and all” attitude isn’t fooling any of us.
This is just a sampling for Arthur and Charles to take in, so they can see how snap judgements are done, and how much fun they can be. I have complete faith they’ll take naturally to it. It’s genetic.
I can’t wait until they make their first snap judgement of me! It’s possible it happens when they find out their father has a blog. But if I’ve done a good job raising them, they’ll keep their contempt to themselves.
Bonus Snap Judgement
People who look like Alexander Godunov but aren’t actually Alexander Godunov. Ugh.
Least Favorite Child Results
September 12 – Least Favorite is Arthur. I know a lot of babies do this, but Arthur has a habit of gasping when he sleeps. It’s a sound that convinces me he’s having a heart attack. It sounds like he just watched a major character from Game of Thrones unexpectedly murdered, and he’s placed his little baby hands on his heart as he makes a noise of complete and utter disbelief. It forces me to get up and make sure he’s either still alive or see if he’s watching Breaking Bad on a tiny Sling Box in his bassinet.
September 13 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles has one mission in life. To make sure he’s being held at all times. If he’s not being held he’s crying. If he’s being held he’s an angel. I’m here to tell you that’s it’s kind of inconvenient. Imagine carrying around a bag of groceries constantly for four months. And not a bag with handles. Now you have an idea of what it’s like to have a son like Charles. Maybe I just need to get him some handles.
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Charles – 45 Days
Arthur – 40 Days
Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 61
No, he hasn’t responded to me, but I still hope his show tomorrow gets wonderful ratings. Good luck, Neil!!
E said:
Snap judgment – bloggers that make me roll my eyes – anyone who takes themselves too seriously. Those are the bloggers that never take a break, detail every moment of their life (I don’t want your toilet habits!) or mistake blog followers for best friends.
But there’s a different type of blogger that also deserves a snap judgment- the blogger who views the ridiculous with amusement, has no problem with tongue-in-cheek commentary, and who shines a bit of entertainment into followers’ humdrum days.
Guess which judgment you fall under. (Hint: you never bore and are quite funny.)
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stephenmhurley said:
E, I only wish the writing in my posts was as good as the writing in your comments!! You should feature of a blog of nothing but your comments!
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Vince said:
Stephen, it’s good to see someone in the blogging world as unashamedly judgmental and unafraid to own the fact as you. My favourite way to express this particular trait is to indulge in ‘silently judging someone, them seeing your judgmental face and asking you about it, and confirming their suspicions by coming out with your unsweetened judgmental opinion’. It hasn’t always won me friends (in fact I have turned offending people into an art form at this stage), but MAN is it enjoyable.
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stephenmhurley said:
Vince, you are a role model for my children to look up to!
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Vince said:
Haha! Thank you! 😀
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Laura (PA Pict) said:
I suspect that people who claim to not be remotely judgmental are actually the most judgmental of all. We all make instant assessments of people. Of course we do. Why else would we wail at our manky kids that “first impressions count”. There’s probably some evolutionary instinct, some basic imperative that drives us to make instinctive judgments about people. Caution is good. Listening to our gut instinct is good. My gut gives better advice than most of my friends – not judgmental, just a fact.
What makes the difference between decent people and horrible people is how we then respond to those snap judgments, how we treat people because of them. I might make an instant assessment of someone but then I permit them to prove me wrong, either way. I might regard someone as a heinous waste of oxygen but I’m not going to do anything towards them that’s nasty or deprives them of said oxygen because otherwise I too would be the type of person I despise.
We moved from a small, remote, rural area of Scotland to the Philly suburbs so have had to encounter way more people in a short space of time than we did in a decade of village life. My kids, insulated from proper society, have had to be taught how to make judgments about people, how to listen to their guts. I don’t think we are reaching them to be judgmental little bastions of prejudice. I think we are teaching them an aspect of self-care and self-preservation. Or maybe I’m just anti-social.
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nmama24 said:
I love this entire post! And I have a helpful tip for Charles that might save you from installing handles on him, go read my #wearallthebabies post! I have one of those babies with a mission to always be held too 😉
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stephenmhurley said:
Nmama. I went you your site put got an error message. Weird. I’ll try again.
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shopgirlanonymous said:
Not yet judging at 4 months? My 4 month old daughter, Keely, is the most judgmental person I know (well aside from my two year old going on threenager), except she has not developed Ted’s finesse as of yet. She lets people know how she feels, disgusted glances at the trampy waitress in Applebees, screaming towards the creepy grown man playing with the children in the toy store he is visiting with no kids of his own, and huge loving smiles at her amazing mother, because I’m awesome. 😉
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stephenmhurley said:
Shopgirl, I envy you your advanced children. I may have to call on their services to bring Arthur and Charles up to speed.
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shopgirlanonymous said:
haha, LOVED this post btw!
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Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:
That you can disseminate AND validate your insanity all the while knowing the level of the insanity you’re selling – brilliant! How much of it can I buy and do you take Discover? (P.s. – those yoga pant ladies – which TJ’s do they go to? Because i’m not getting that action at mine. – a single man)
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stephenmhurley said:
TD, you need to move to Los Angeles. Of course, not everyone’s yoga pants are flattering. As someone who wears Biking Shorts I’m sure you know which people need to be realistic.
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Dawn from HardlyBored said:
You need a baby sling. (this is hilarious btw nicely done!)
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks, Dawn!
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priyacv said:
Love the entire post….This is your first article i am reading and Totally love it….
Piyu
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks, Priyacv! I was hoping not to come off to snarky.
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Elyse said:
Stephen, you are a genius! I save your posts to read when I feel I am “worthy” of them. Like my goal at work when I finish a project, I am then rewarded with reading your blog. I LOVE them all and laugh out loud constantly. You def are the funniest man on earth!! (I know I am a bit dramatic, but you are!)
FU to NPH!
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stephenmhurley said:
Elyse, I’m positive I’m not worthy of your praise but am insecure so I will spend the rest of the day soaking it in. Thank you very very much!! I’m sure NPH has something big planned. He may reach out to me tonight during the premiere of his show.
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ari423 said:
This is AWESOME! I totally agree, judge away silently 🙂
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Gretchen Kelly said:
I think you should do a series of posts about judging. I’m sure you have plenty more where this came from! Starting with Trader Joes was genius, though. Ooooh, I know, make it one of those blog link-up things. Do it weekly and everyone can post about the thing/people they’re judging that week! I’m not saying I’d participate or anything, but I would definitely read it and silently judge all who participate…
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stephenmhurley said:
Gretchen, I think you’re onto something. Maybe a blog called Not So Silently Judging You, is a good idea. I made a dozen judgements before I got into my office today.
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