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September 14, 2015

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Judge not, lest ye be judged.  I don’t think I’ve ever quoted the bible.  In truth, it’s a misquote.  The actual quote is, “Judge not, that ye not be judged.”  Whatever.  I think what Matthew really should have said is, go ahead and judge people, just keep it to yourself.

I’m a big fan of judging people.  When people proudly exclaim that they never judge people I’m led to believe either that they’re full of crap or they’re a robot devoid of personality.  It’s natural to judge others.  What separates the the typical judgemental person from the huge douchebag is HOW they judge.

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This is Ted.  He hates that the guy next to him has to have protein shakes three times a day and talk about his diet nonstop.  Ted keeps his feelings to himself. Ted is good at judging.

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Meet Kim.  We all wish she was a lot more like Ted. She’s bad at judging.

I’ve always liked to judge people.  Aside from TV it’s my favorite hobby, and it’s something I want to pass on to my sons.  My favorite type of judging is the snap judgement.  The type of judging based on the tiniest of information you take in on an initial meeting.  I like to think I’ve saved myself countless hours by making correct snap judgments on people, and not wasting time getting to know them. Our time on this planet is finite and I don’t want Arthur and Charles losing valuable hours, days, months or even years getting to know someone that they could write off in 5-10 seconds.

Of course, a lot of my snap judgements are based on my own insecurity, but improving myself could be another endless time suck.  I’ve gone about as far as I can go as a developed human being.  The Boys are only 4 months now, but soon enough their brains will develop to the point where they can judge others and it’s my job to guide them like a good father should.

I don’t expect them to make the same snap judgements I do.  I want them to form their own.  I wouldn’t tell them what their favorite ice cream should be so I would never force my snap judgements on them.  I will give them some examples to help them on their way though.  Here are a few of the snap judgments I think will paint the picture for them.  These are people I’ve decided to write off based on practically no information whatsoever.

  • Everyone inside of Trader Joe’s.

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I know, this one seems pretty large and sweeping.  Just look at the photo though.  Could they have designed this store to be any more cramped and stressful.  I go there twice a year when someone gives me a gift card.  I could design a complex football play easier than figure out how to get to the grapes in less than 30 minutes. I don’t understand why anyone would shop at an establishments that tries to pass of Fruit Circles Cereal as something just as good as Froot Loops.

My snap judgement is that it’s an endless sea of women in yoga pants and older people who have compost piles in their backyard. These wheat bread eaters would like to be rich enough to shop at Whole Foods, but decide they’ll take their earthy crunchy attitudes to this lower cost off brand establishment.  They’re the type of people that if you have a meal over their house they’d make you a peanut butter sandwich with the Organic Peanut Butter and not Skippy.  Then you have to eat it with copious amounts of water and pretend it’s not the most disgusting thing you’ve ever digested.

I think I’ve formed this opinion partly because of the staff at these stores.

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They seem to love all their customers.  I see them giving high fives to shoppers and complimenting their choice of oranges.  When I come to the register there’s a distinct disdain toward me.  They somehow know I’m not a regular.  It’s clear they’re JUDGING me.  This is payback Trader Joe’s.  I hope it all ends horribly for you.

  • People who pronounce the T in “Often.”

I want Arthur and Charles to know that there’s nothing too small to make a snap judgement on.  I grew up in a simpler time when people didn’t pronounce the T in often unless they were as distinguished as Sebastian Cabot, the Gentleman’s Gentleman on Family Affair.

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(I’ll always give Mr. French a pass)

Now, I think more people pronounce the T than those who don’t.  My snap judgement is that people are trying to sound smarter than they actually are.  Webster’s Dictionary turned on me about a decade ago and said that it was acceptable to pronounce either way.  Thanks for being so wishy washy Webster.  You disappoint me.

  • Guys Wearing Fun Hats

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I think we’re all making snap judgements on this photo.  No one likes this guy, right?  Even this guy doesn’t like himself or he would have left the house confident enough in himself to be hatless and still be interesting enough to carry on a conversation.  This guy needs a big hug, and it’s not coming from me.

  • People Who Attend High School Reunions in their 40s.

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Snap judgement; these people aren’t truly remembering how bad their high school experience actually was.  We all go through turmoil in our 40s but turning to the people who sat at segregated cafeteria tables that we knew in our teens is not the answer.  The guys are likely just looking for a hookup after their second or third divorce like the guy with the sleeve tattoo pictured above.

  • People Who Want You To Know How Much They Like Themselves

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Snap judgement; we get it, you don’t fall into a conventional category of person.  Stop owning it without a trace of insecurity.  It’s fine to be different, just show some insecurity from time to time like the rest of us, rather than burying it inside.  Your “I love myself warts and all” attitude isn’t fooling any of us.

This is just a sampling for Arthur and Charles to take in, so they can see how snap judgements are done, and how much fun they can be.  I have complete faith they’ll take naturally to it.  It’s genetic.

I can’t wait until they make their first snap judgement of me!  It’s possible it happens when they find out their father has a blog.  But if I’ve done a good job raising them, they’ll keep their contempt to themselves.

Bonus Snap Judgement

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People who look like Alexander Godunov but aren’t actually Alexander Godunov. Ugh.

Least Favorite Child Results

September 12 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  I know a lot of babies do this, but Arthur has a habit of gasping when he sleeps. It’s a sound that convinces me he’s having a heart attack.  It sounds like he just watched a major character from Game of Thrones unexpectedly murdered, and he’s placed his little baby hands on his heart as he makes a noise of complete and utter disbelief.  It forces me to get up and make sure he’s either still alive or see if he’s watching Breaking Bad on a tiny Sling Box in his bassinet.

September 13 – Least Favorite is Charles. Charles has one mission in life.  To make sure he’s being held at all times. If he’s not being held he’s crying.  If he’s being held he’s an angel.  I’m here to tell you that’s it’s kind of inconvenient.  Imagine carrying around a bag of groceries constantly for four months. And not a bag with handles.  Now you have an idea of what it’s like to have a son like Charles. Maybe I just need to get him some handles.

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Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 45 Days

Arthur – 40 Days

Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 61

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No, he hasn’t responded to me, but I still hope his show tomorrow gets wonderful ratings.  Good luck, Neil!!

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