September 11, 2015

Almost every week a new study comes out showing that breastfeeding babies helps to improve the development of their brain, leading to higher IQs along with greater likelihood of college education and higher paying jobs.  Turns out that the stuff coming out of woman’s boobs is as valuable as gold dust!

The other day in an interview, Alyssa Milano stated that she may breast feed her daughter up to the age of six.  Quite frankly, with what these studies show about the benefits to the brain, I’m both curious and afraid of what might happen if Alyssa actually follows through with this.  Are we looking at a future where Alyssa Milano’s daughter is the smartest human on the planet, wielding a Stephen Hawking like intellect?  And can we be sure that the Milano Child will use her giant brain for good, or will she become some type of evil genius with Tony Danza pulling the strings to the fate of humanity? Do you trust Tony Danza with this type of power?  It gives me chills to think about.

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(Who’s The Boss?  It’s been Danza all along)

For most mothers, breastfeeding isn’t fun, but everyone wants their kids to be healthy and smart.  Although doing it up to the age of six seems a tad extreme.  I’m not sure if I’m a six year old on the playground, I want to see one of my peers take a long draw of Mommy’s boob and then race out to play dodgeball in a breast milk induced rage of energy.  But we all become absorbed with these studies on how to make our kids brilliant and I’m no different.

Another popular study over the past couple of years shows that a key to boosting a baby’s brainpower is talking to them.  The study shows that if you haven’t been gabbing with them consistently up until the age of three, you may as well write them off and start sizing them up for their orange prison issued jump suit.

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(Next time you get tired of playing, “Who’s got your nose” think of this image)

What amazes me about this study is it doesn’t even seem to matter what you talk about to the babies as long as your talking.  Are my sons actually going to be smarter based on what I usually talk about?  That’s amazing.  Here are the top three things I’ve discussed regularly in the past few months while holding my children.

  • Bachelor In Paradise – So Arthur and Charles’ brains are being stimulated while I talk endlessly about how Kirk dumped Carly in the final episode of the season.
  • Where is my wife’s iPhone – This isn’t just something I’ve discussed recently.  This is something that’s been discussed for years and I’m sure will continue.  But the fact that she loses this device 15 times a day is now less annoying knowing that my sons’ brains are benefiting when they hear their mother scream at their father, “Yes, I should have a designated place where I always put it!  Now get off your ass and help me find it.”
  • Why I shouldn’t be eating what I’m eating – A popular phrase the Boys have been hearing is “I shouldn’t be eating this” as I wolf down a steak or burger along with some fries with large amounts of ketchup.  It’s usually followed by “I’m going to start eating chicken and do situps tomorrow.”  If it’s not making them smarter, it might still lead them to become dieticians.

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(It’s the cast of Bachelor In Paradise.  Their drunken hookups are making my sons smarter.  Thanks!)

As parents we can’t get enough of these studies.  Having twins makes me realize that I am sitting on a gold mine.  The Breastfeeding Study conducted may have been based on the results of 6,000 babies and the Talking to your Babies one had a few thousand participants but let’s not quibble about numbers.  I have two babies, so I can conduct these types of studies as well.  Just tell me what you want me to research and I’ll name a price.  Once we agree I’ll get to work here at the Arthur and Charles Research institute, or ACRI for short.

Want to know how much better babies do in the online dating world when they include a profile picture as opposed to not having any photos?

Want to find out the effect of watching Kill Bill with one baby versus watching The Bridges of Madision County with the other?

How will one baby react to listening to a steady diet of Ryan Seacrest while the other one listens exclusively to NPR?

The ACRI is open for business, and we’re willing to research whatever you’d like us to, to help your child be as smart as possible.  We’re building baby geniuses.

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Least Favorite Child Results

September 9 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  Babies look so soft, but that can be deceiving.  Arthur’s little elbows are lethal and he digs them into my side while I’m feeding him.  It’s kind of like that scene in Gladiator when Joaquin Phoenix stabs Russell Crowe in the ribs right before they go into battle in the Colosseum. That’s the type of battle I face feeding Arthur and his response to my pain is a look that says, “Are you not entertained”?

September 10 – Least Favorite is Charles.  Charles does not care for the typical volume of my voice.  When his sleeping or working on one of his mother’s boobs for a meal and I enter the room bellowing, here’s the look on his face.

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Breaks your heart, doesn’t it.  Now imagine you’ve caused this expression over 500 times.  I’ve worked with tough crowds but none of them touch this kid.  Sorry, Charles.  I’m loud.  I come from loud people and so do you.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 44 Days

Arthur – 39 Days

Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 58

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Someone’s got a big show premiering on NBC this coming Tuesday, 9/15.  Set your DVRs!!

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