September 9, 2015
If being “hip” to the younger generation is genetic, I’m screwed. My Mother was a very smart women, but she didn’t have a clue when it came to what kids were talking about. She didn’t speak their language nor did she care to.
This was evidenced best in my Junior Year of High School when my friend Dave left a message for me that she responsibly relayed. In my Mother’s words, “Your friend Dave called. He said you left a doobie at his house last night.” I was prepared for some frightening consequences, but it became immediately obvious my Mom did not know what a doobie was. Now, she did lecture me for several minutes about the importance of being responsible. She said that leaving a doobie over Dave’s house was typical of me and that she wouldn’t be shocked if I had been as irresponsible with someone else’s doobie because I was careless and not very thoughtful.
For the record, listening to your Mom drop the word doobie four times in a 20 second stern lecture about responsibility is fantastic comedy.
(Of course there’s a small chance my Mom knew exactly what a doobie was)
A few days ago, I read something that made me realize I’m just as out of touch as my Mom. I found out that the phrase “Netflix and chill” actually mean hooking up for today’s youth. It’s sounds so innocent but kids, as they’ve always done, have turned something as harmless as enjoying binge watching House of Cards into getting their freak on. And I’m sure they no longer say “Getting their freak on.” Did they ever say that? A liver spot just exploded on my hand.
(Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a taut intelligent look at the underbelly of American Politics. It’s foreplay!)
The only way to avoid being in the dark when it comes to my sons Charles and Arthur is to always be vigilant when it comes to breaking their code. They’re only 15 weeks now, but in a few years they’ll start developing phrases to use with their friends and each other that will seem benign but will undoubtedly have more sinister meanings. They’re in for a surprise because I know what a doobie is and I WILL figure out what they’re saying!!
Let’s fast forward a few years
Charles: Hey, Dad. We’re going to ride our bikes down to the park and play catch.
Me: How dumb do you think I am? Ride your bike? That’s clearly code for scoring some heroin. Do you know what riding your bike can do to your brain!! Your head is writing checks that your body can’t cash!!! (I love quoting the angry Navy guy from Top Gun)
(Look at these kids all juiced up on crack)
Arthur: Hey. Me, Charles and some friends are going down to the mall to see the new Star Wars Movie.
Me: Really? The new Star Wars Movie? Do you think I just fell off the turnip truck? I have no intention of letting you steal a car and drive down to Comic Con. If you want to watch Star Wars you can stay right here and order it on Netflix. No, wait!! You can’t do that either.
(Not on my watch)
Today it’s “Netflix and chill.” I have to anticipate what it’s going to be 10-12 years from now. When my sons announce they’re going to have an English Muffin with lots of butter are they really going to be communicating to each other that they’ll be meeting downtown at midnight for illegal street racing?
(I thought they were just having a healthy breakfast)
If they tell me they’re using the Rosetta Stone to learn a new language is that just code for making a quick $500 by helping to sneak people across the border?
(I could live with this if it teaches them a second language. Those skills really help down the road)
I think I have two options to guarantee I stay one step ahead in the years to come. I could pay some young kid who lives in another town to keep me up to date on street vernacular. Of course older men paying teen boys for any type of service can look bad.
My other option is I could just have a cup of coffee and relax. I just don’t know what that’s actually code for.
Least Favorite Child Results
With the Labor Day weekend, I have four days to account for.
September 5 & 6 – Least Favorite goes to Charles. He’s up to his usual fussy act and he’s going through a drooling phase. It’s fine if I’m called upon to comfort someone with constant hugs and reassurance, but it’s off putting when that person happens to drool all over your favorite shirt. I’ve realized that I have a few shirts I like so much that I just can’t provide comfort if I’m wearing them. If I’m wearing a shirt I bought at Target you can count on a hug. If I’m wearing something from Macy’s, you can count on an understanding look from an acceptable distance.
September 7 & 8 – Least Favorite goes to Arthur. Arthur has started to realize he can use his hands and arms. He likes to use them most when I’m trying to feed him. In fact his favorite game has become, “You try and feed me, while I try to swat the bottle away.” He’ll also move and contort his head along with the swatting so you can’t just place the bottle in his mouth. You have to anticipate where his mouth will be. It’s like a Quarterback throwing to a receiver, hoping he’ll break right when he tosses the ball. It’s a frustrating process but at least it makes me feel like Tom Brady.
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Charles – 43 Days
Arthur – 38 Days
Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 56
Neil’s been pretty busy with his new show premiering next week. I’m sure he’ll reach out once his schedule permits.
Laura (PA Pict) said:
Well I had no idea! I shall have to be careful how I phrase my conversations about TV viewing in future lest anyone get the wrong or right idea. I realised I had gone “over the hill” with pop culture a year or so ago when it dawned on me that I was not even familiar with the music my 6 year old was listening to. On an almost daily basis I tell my 12 year old to “stop talking internet”.
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Todd Duffey Writes on Things said:
Uh, Stephen – you KNOW what “turnip truck” means, right? Hilarious as usual. Your life’s arc knows no direction but that of the awesome and brilliantly inane. Keep it up!
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stephenmhurley said:
Todd, does “turnip truck” mean something dirty? Is it like Cleveland Steamer?
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GigTog said:
Oh silly me. I thought I could read your post during a break in class…NOT! Thank gawd I wasn’t drinking anything when I, in a very unladylike fashion, laugh-snorted rather loudly. (And no, that’s not code for that white powder stuff. Shame on you!)
Still dying laughing…thanks kiddo!
~Dori
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stephenmhurley said:
Dori, you’re such a flatterer. And I’m buying everything you say
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Gretchen Kelly said:
Ummm… hell yeah House of Cards is foreplay! I LOVE that show and Kevin Spacey.
This is hilarious! I have a teen and a preteen and so far I think I’m pretty current on the lingo. But that’s because of Twitter. Every once in a while I’ll throw the latest term out in casual conversation and watch the looks of horror on their faces. It pretty much guarantees that they will never say that phrase again.
My husband and I like to throw out random ’80’s and ’90’s phrases when we’re disciplining them. One of my faves is “This is an A B conversation so you need to C your way out of it.” I know. I’m so cool it’s ridiculous. My husband’s favorite is “Don’t even try it, Full Force won’t buy it.” Which you only get if you were around in the 80’s and listened to bad R&B music. We are so winning at parenting.
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stephenmhurley said:
So far I’m only armed with, “You think you’re a card but you’re not the whole deck, so shuffle along and I’ll deal with you later.” I also plan on having a lot of confused looks with the response, “Go ask your mother.”
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Emily Harrison said:
Funny funny read!!! Thank you! Keep it coming.
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stephenmhurley said:
Thanks, Emily!!!
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TanGental said:
Ah ha! Brilliant. My two are now 22 and 25 so we’re sort of through it now but there was one sticky moment (is that a thing?) which may not translate across the pond. Back in the 70s to say ‘Ill just keep dogging on’ meant to keep on going despite everything. So when my daughter asked how my wife and I had coped on a tiresome bit of family visiting – she was about 17 – I said ‘we just dogged on’. Cue mortified looks and sniggers. I learnt that to have sex in a car (with a view to being watched in the act) is to ‘go dogging’. I had just committed the ultimate teenage crime, namely to hint at the fact their parents might have sex.
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stephenmhurley said:
I’m going to try and bring that phrase to the States TanGental!
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TanGental said:
If you have time have a look at this http://youtu.be/9-lQ11igLI0
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stephenmhurley said:
I will now spend the next two hours watching Fascinating Aida!!
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TanGental said:
They’re worth it. When you’ve sold the twins into slavery to recoup your costs come to the Edinburgh festival and enjoy them live.
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petraperkov said:
Stephen, thank you so very much for this. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this hard!!! Where on Earth do you get all these ideas from?
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stephenmhurley said:
As always, Petra, thank you so much! I get these ideas while I’m stuck in traffic on the way home for work preparing to enter a house with 3 1/2 month old children during the witching hour. Sometimes I drive around the block a few times before entering.
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1 Nothing Please said:
This has to be one of your best, funniest and most imaginative posts yet :”) You may be futuristically hip if what you say actually turns out to be true later
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stephenmhurley said:
1nothingplease. If anything I predict turns out to be true it will be a first. Thanks, for the kind words! Love your blog! The NY Diaries make me miss the city.
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1 Nothing Please said:
Thank you! 🙂
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Tina, The Bo Bina said:
You do know that the first words that come out of the twins mouths will be code, right?? 😀 They’re conspiring, I tell ya! 👍
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Lisa @ The Meaning of Me said:
Brilliant. The codes are disturbing and bizarre, aren’t they? Thanks…needed a good read and a laugh.
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amycake76 said:
OMG, Lisa Listwa sent me here, and you may the funniest. I wish I had the guts to rank my children. Let me give your lingo a try though: “We’re playing football at the park” means “We’re going to break into that old hotel/crack house.”
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alienredqueen said:
The other night I told hubby how disappoined I was Netflix didn’t have a “porn” channel. You know how they have that Kids’ profile with only children’s shows? They should totally also have a Adults Only one that you need a code to get into. Then, every night could be Netflix and Chill night, whether hubs was awake or not. 🙂
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GetitTogetherHannah said:
The only reason i know that is because I have a tumblr account. I’m 26 and I feel like I did in fact, fall off of a horse drawn turnip buggy and ended up in some third dimension where I’m pointing a cane at them and saying “YOU DONT KNOW SHIT SONNY when I was your age…”
I’m almost looking forward to the day when my daughters look at me and are like “mom you’re stupid” and I’ll quickly rebuttals with “no yAll are stupid”.
And then we will have come full circle people.
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