September 4, 2015
Yesterday as I was leaving the grocery store I saw two boys run ahead of their father toward their car. They were about eight and six years old. The eight year old ran to the front passenger side door and screamed “dibs!” A women walking next to me smiled and said, “Isn’t that cute”? I gave her a forced smile but what I wanted to say was, “No, lady, that’s not cute. That’s utterly terrifying.”
Later that night I looked at my sweet little boring bundles of joy as they slept, but all that entered my mind was the swift and cruel justice of “dibs.” Growing up as the youngest of four children, “dibs” was an honor I rarely if ever achieved.
(See this photo as you wish. Two happy frolicking boys or a race to something that leaves one the victor and the other empty handed and destroyed.)
Some may say that dibs giveth and dibs taketh away, but I’ve only known the vicious sting of not getting the best seat in the car, the last cupcake or control of the TV remote. And when I look at my precious 15 week old angels, I can only summon thoughts of Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind when she said, “As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!” I feel just as strongly about claiming dibs.
(If only Scarlett had called dibs on Ashley)
Charles and Arthur may not speak now, but they will soon enough. When they do, they will try to claim dibs on everything they see. I’ve been out of the dibs game for almost 40 years now. If I’m going to secure a life where I get what I want I’m going to need to start practicing now. Is my popularity going to take a hit over the next few years while I hone my dibs skills? No doubt. I may as well apologize in advance to some of the people I plan on upsetting in the very near future as I get prepared. They should all know, they’re going to be pissed off for a good cause.
I’m sorry to everyone waiting to order coffee at Starbucks. They don’t post a sign that says “No Cutting The Line” so when I squeeze to the front, scream “dibs” and order my Venti, I’ve really taught you an important life lesson and highlighted a loophole in Starbucks policy.
Sorry, upscale business lady I won’t let merge into traffic. If you had called dibs on the right hand lane, you’d likely make your business meeting on time where they’ll use buzz words like “synergy” and “authentic.” You look like someone who failed to give me a courtesy wave last week, so I feel no guilt.
Sorry little boy whose ice cream I’m going to take right out of your hand. You’ll remember me as the man who taught you how the mean streets of dibs really work and thank me later in life.
I plan on taking no prisoners when it comes to getting ready for the future. Dibs can and will be called on all occasions. I won’t go into graphic detail but dibs can even be called when it comes to bedroom antics. And I plan on calling them.
(I’m only 60 pounds away from being this guy but I probably won’t do the three days growth of beard thing.)
It may be mean and selfish of me but kids are cold blooded and cutthroat. You can’t show any weakness. Have you ever seen a child crying right next to another who is blissfully smiling without a trace of empathy?
These kids will step on your throat just to bend over and pick up a cookie. I plan on raging against the dying of the light. As God as my witness! Dibs will never NOT be mine again.
Least Favorite Child Results
September 2 & 3 – Least Favorite is Charles both days. Some people think I’ve been hard on Charles the last week or two in the standings and maybe he’s just going through a phase, but the Least Favorite Game has rules that must be followed. It may just be that he’s an unhappy baby. I wouldn’t blame him. He can’t walk and go into another room when everyone annoys him. He can’t choose what he wears and is subjected to wearing clothes that say things like “Pinch Me I’m Cute.” His BMI is off the charts in a bad way. If I realized I was 100% body fat I might cry a lot too. Whatever the reason is for his general unhappiness, it’s putting him further in the lead everyday, as Arthur just rolls along trying to be as little bother as possible. Arthur’s first words are likely to be, “Hey guys, sorry for waking up early the other morning. Why don’t you take a nap. You look bushed.”
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Charles – 41 Days
Arthur – 36 Days
Tied as Least Favorite – 1 Day
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 52
Have a great Labor Day, Neil!!