August 31, 2015

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Not a week goes by when I don’t find out something about these babies that amazes me.  This weekend while feeding a bottle to one of them I looked at my wife and asked her if these kids are getting bored eating the same thing everyday for 14 weeks.  She told me that the milk tastes different depending on what she happens to be eating.

So those aren’t just boobs on her chest, they’re in effect a couple of cuisinarts!!  I had no idea she was holstering two Magic Bullets that were spitting out the meal she just consumed.  Of course I immediately began thinking about what my wife eats versus what I eat and I think it’s kind of a shame nothing comes out of my nipples for the Boys to get a crack at.

Here’s an example of what my wife typically eats.

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Doesn’t that look healthy!  Grilled chicken is great protein, along which lots of veggies for the boys like, broccolli, cauliflower and carrots. But who wants to eat healthy all the time.  I think Arthur and Charles would love to sample some of what Daddy eats on a regular basis.

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They call this a Value Meal for a reason.  You can’t tell me that the Boys wouldn’t value the shit out of this from time to time, but my wife sees it differently.  She’s selfishly eating healthy for both the babies and to get her pre-pregnancy figure back.  I would be much more selfless if I could feed my children and make sure my weight and shape came second to making sure they had a treat occasionally.  My weight and shape are already low on my priority list anyway.

I’ve considered trying to force slices of Pizza Hut Meat Lovers Pizza in her mouth when she nods off but she’s a pretty light sleeper and I’m not sure how I’d explain what I was doing.  She’s far too familiar with my night time rituals.  Stuffing slices of cold pizza into my face at 2am, is totally believable.  Sleepwalking and feeding someone else would be pretty out of character.

If women have this ability to make all sorts of value meals with their boobs, it occurs to me, that there’s a great opportunity for a trendy niche restaurant for babies.  I live in LA and I think a place where babies could enjoy specialty breast milk meals could be a huge hit.

Forget about from Farm to Table.  This restaurant would be From Tit to Table.  Maybe that’s what I call it.  Tit to Table, the restaurant for babies with a discerning palate.  I’m almost buying into what I’m writing here.

You bring your baby in, order what you’d like them to have and then have it prepared in a table service manner.

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People love Benihana, so I imagine they’d go crazy for the meal preparation at Tit to Table.  I’d have every single dad with young kids, lined up around the block!!

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That’s the nice thing about blogging.  I really just wanted to write about the power of my wife’s boobs and now I have a million dollar idea.

Least Favorite Child Results

August 29 and 30 – Charles is Least Favorite both days and has finally overtaken Arthur for overall lead in the Least Favorite Race.  What helped push him past his brother was the weekend heat wave here in Los Angeles.  When it’s 95 degrees in your living room and you’re trying to stay cool you know what the worst scenario is?  Holding a heavy baby that’s running at 98.6 degrees.

When was the last time you were uncomfortably hot and said, “You know what would be great.  If I could hold an even hotter 12 pound rock right now!”  On both Saturday and Sunday Charles was a hot rock that demanded to be held very often.  It was like spending 48 hours in a steam room with another person who was weeping.  That may happen every now and then at the Hollywood YMCA, which is why I just run home for a shower after a workout.  At least back when I used to work out.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Charles – 38 Days

Arthur – 36 Days

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 48

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I wonder if Neil ever gets a case of the Mondays.

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