Wake Me When They Do Something

Tags

Humor, parenting

August 28, 2015

My brother will be in town in a few weeks and we’re trying to coordinate a time for him to stop by and see the babies.  With Los Angeles traffic, and the meetings he has to attend, he finally figured out that his visit time would be limited to about an hour and a half.  When he realized this, he said, “That’s more than enough time.  It’s not like these kids do anything.”  My brother, a father of three, has never nailed anything so perfectly in his life.  He could capture the full Arthur and Charles experience in a minute or two.  Anything more than that is like watching a Vine 50,000 times.

I think I’ve figured out why they call it the “Miracle of Birth.”  They want us to think something amazing has occurred because the next several months are going to be incredibly boring.

I’m not saying my babies are boring.  I’m saying ALL babies are boring.  What does it say about your personality when the state people find you most enjoyable in, is when you’re asleep?  Not a great sign. I’ve read other blogs where people share their profound feelings upon looking at their newborns and I honestly don’t get it.  I think these profound people need to raise the bar of expectations, because after a while, my kids are the equivalent of watching a Golden Girls episode you’ve already seen nine or ten times.

I’m racking my brain to think of the most interesting thing my Boys have done in the past 14 weeks.

Charles

The most interesting thing Charles has done in his life is spit up into my wife’s open mouth when she was trying to give him a kiss.  It was a fantastic moment!  It was messy.  It was funny.  And I got to laugh at someone’s expense.  If he could do something like that every day he’s be earning his keep.  I might even take him to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch a game with me.  Unfortunately, it was a one time thing.  It bought him a few days, but after a week I realized he was just a one trick pony.

Arthur

I’ve been thinking for about 10-15 minutes, trying to figure out what the most interesting thing Arthur has done in his short life and absolutely nothing comes to mind.  The look on his face in the above photo is a pretty standard one for him, so I guess in his defense he’s just as bored with me as I am with him, so fair enough.

I have high hopes that Arthur and Charles will grow up to be very interesting and even entertaining people.  This will certainly come in handy during the summer months when the TV Schedule gives me Bachelor in Paradise and Big Brother and little else for my viewing pleasure.

But my big takeaway in these first 3 1/2 months is that babies are the least interesting level of human being.  At least for the first 6 months or so.

If babies were a movie they’d be A.I.

(ZZZZZZZZZZZ!)

If they were a singer they’d be Gordon Lightfoot.

(My back up career plan is to teach a low impact aerobics class featuring nothing but his music.)

If they were an amusement park ride they’d be Disney’s “It’s A Small World.”

(I think people convicted of violent crimes should be forced to endure this ride until the monotony of the song causes an aneurysm.)

If they were a food, they’d be rice cakes.

If they were a U.S. President they’d be Franklin Pierce.

OK, I’ve beaten it to death.  I’m sure anyone reading this gets the point.  Of course, the truth is that I love my Boys.  Imagine how I’ll feel when they’re more interesting than rice cakes and Franklin Pierce.  I can see some profound thoughts in my future, but don’t worry.  I’ll keep them to myself.

Least Favorite Child Results

August 26 – Charles is Least Favorite Child.  We’ve gotten to the point where everything is breaking down.  Three months of Mamaroos and Swings constantly running have taken their toll and resulted in equipment malfunction.  It’s also taught us that Charles, like a shark, needs to constantly be in motion.  It’s a great workout.  Like a spin class, but instead of riding a bike they throw a baby in your arms and tell you to keep moving for 8 hours.

August 27 – Arthur is LFC.  Charles’ run as the cranky baby was getting impressive.  His consecutive days streak made me think of him as a fussy Cal Ripkin.  He showed up every day ready to grind it out.  But every All Star needs a day off, and Arthur stepped to the plate to make sure the fans got the baby shrieking that they come to the park to see.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 36 Days

Charles – 36 Days

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 45

TGIF, Neil.  TGIF.