August 21, 2015
I assume almost everyone has Google Searched their name at one time or another. And usually when we do, we’re not the first thing that comes up. There’s usually someone more famous or a little more in the news that shares our name. For instance the first photo that comes up when I search my name in Google Images is a picture of this guy.
Meet Steve Hurley, or as he’s known in the Hardcore Gay Porn Industry, “The Titpig.” Amazingly, Steve also shares the same birthday as me, May 15, which has convinced me that we share some cosmic connection. One of my biggest life fears is that some day that cosmic connection will be revealed.
These are the types of wonderful tidbits searching your name can provide. Yesterday I started to wonder what the future holds for Charles and Arthur when they Google their names for the very first time. Who will their “Titpig” be? I decided to look for them in advance but I’m not going to share the results with them. Some things you have to discover for yourself.
Charles Hurley Search
There’s this Charles Hurley, a Florida Policeman who made the news recently for purposely and without warning firing every round in his gun at a joint meeting of officers and civilians to demonstrate the stress police officers face. He’s clearly unbalanced but he’ll soon be forgotten.
There’s this Charles Hurley, former Governor of Massachusetts. He got to throw out the first pitch at a Red Sox Game but no sex scandals or anything for him.
And of course there’s this guy.
All I know about him is that his name is Charles Hurley and he rocks the shit out a ten gallon hat. All in all, Charles’ name search is a big snore. But the good news is that if my son Charles does ANYTHING of note, there’s a chance his photo will be the first that comes up on an internet search. That’s pretty big news and gives him a great goal to shoot for.
Arthur Hurley Search
When I searched Arthur’s name, I hit pay dirt! Sure, there were plenty of photos of random Arthur Hurleys. A Tax Attorney attending a banquets, a few college grads and there’s someone who shares his name who is a giant in the world of Wire and Cable, but nothing compared to the first thing that came up when I hit the “enter” key.
That’s right! It’s none other than the mid 70s Garage Band, Arthur, Hurley and Gottlieb. Arthur has found his Titpig!!!
They don’t technically share the same name as Arthur. Arthur, Hurley and Gottlieb are their last names, but they are a goldmine for my son regardless. With photos like this.
If I had to guess why they faded into obscurity I’d say it’s because they couldn’t settle on a band name, and that the guy with the violin held them back. His attachment to plaid and his poor man’s Al Pacino looks must have been an anchor that weighed them down. I’m convinced Arthur and Hurley spend their days muttering “Fucking Gottlieb!” as they wander around their homes thinking about the endless stream of women, drugs and booze after performances on the Mike Douglas Show.
I can’t wait until Arthur discovers them. When he shows me their photo in amazement I plan to look embarrassed and then tell him that he was conceived after his Mother and I drank too much wine and made passionate love to Arthur, Hurley and Gottlieb’s 1975 mid-hit, Sunshine Ship. Everyone likes an origin story behind their name. Now, Arthur has one!
A lot of things can happen between now and the first time they Google Search their names, but I have no doubt that when that day comes in 2025 or 2030, Arthur, Hurley and Gottlieb will still be the first thing that comes up. They might not have had staying power as a band, but they’ve left an indelible mark on the internet.
And now, with my apologies to the Titpig, I’m going to clear my browser history.
Least Favorite Child Results
August 19 – Arthur was Least Favorite. Charles has a much better way of looking at you and making you feel kind of important. On this particular night I saw that Arthur was giving me a smile as I stood in the kitchen. As I made my toward that adorable grin, he kept his gaze locked, but the closer I got to him I realized he wasn’t looking at me at all. Just some shiny unidentified object that he clearly loved more than Daddy. Then I stood in the way of whatever he was looking at and he started to cry. Way to test my ego, Arthur.
August 20 – Charles was LFC. On Thursday Night, Charles already had me thinking about how he was going to ruin my weekend. Waking up just as I’m nodding off. Bashing his large skull into my face while I burp him. Refusing to be placated with anything done to soothe him between the hours of 3pm and 6pm. I’m sure he’s got some new stuff planned as well. His goal is to acclimate me to the idea that going back to the office on Monday has it’s bright side.
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Arthur – 34 Days
Charles – 32 Days
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 38
Have a great weekend Neil. You handled your awkward years with grace.