August 17, 2015

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Childhood amnesia, also called infantile amnesia, is the inability of adults to retrieve episodic memories before the age of 2–4 years, as well as the period before age 10 of which adults retain fewer memories than might otherwise be expected given the passage of time. – Wikipedia

If Wikipedia says this, then who am I to dispute it’s accuracy?  I read this over the weekend and was floored.  All the love and care that I put into these kids, and they’re not even going to remember it.  Seems more than a little unfair.  Are they just going to wander into the living room one day, like Harrison Ford in Regarding Henry, minus the bullet wound in the temple?  Will I have to tell them their names and explain that I’ve spent the past 36 months feeding and changing them, while they give me a skeptical side eye?

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(Cheer up Henry!  You just realized you’re married to Annette Bening in her prime!)

This really is what one would call a raw deal but I’ve decided to make lemonade from lemons and use it to my advantage.

If they can’t remember anything that happened before they turn roughly three years old, it’s time I create a book of completely false memories for them, to make it look like I was a much better father than I actually was.  In the words of Dr, Suess, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!”

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We might as well take a page from this book and give them a ride in a hot air balloon. It’s a bucket list item for any baby or toddler, and something I’d rather not do given my fear of heights.  Now, I have no need to do this with the boys because they already did it when they were…let’s say 15 months.

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I’m sure they’ll want a tree house when they grow up.  But I’ll quickly whip out a picture of the tree house we built together when they were just two.  I’ll assure them that they thought it was a great idea at the time, but after just a few days they decided it was the worst idea of their young lives.  It was far less comfortable and practical then the rooms designated for them in their air conditioned house.  Let’s not make the same mistake twice, Guys. It’s easier to get to the Oreos when they’re just down the hall.

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“Can we go to Disney World”?  Come on guys, we’ve been hundreds of times.  Remember how much you hate the lines and how scary the rides are?

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“I want to go swimming with Dolphins!” Fine but don’t you remember your allergies to Dolphin skin when we did that last year?

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It took weeks for your rashes to clear!

And before you even bring it up, you HATED Europe.

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I won’t be totally selfish.  I’ll create fake memories to build their confidence as well.  Like their time as a professional MMA fighter.

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(Three minutes in the Octagon = Lifetime of confidence)

And show them that they had a wild side with photos of their first arrest for getting out of hand when they had too much to drink.

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(I can just hear them drunkenly slurring, “Don’t tell a Navy Man when he’s had to much to drink!”)

They might not remember the slave labor my wife and I have put in for the first three years, but when they see this album they’ll see that they’ve done so much more than most do in 50 years.  Now, it will be time for them to unwind by hanging around their rooms quietly reflecting on lives well spent while they play with their toys.

All I have to do is get their Mother on board.  And she’s so sleep deprived I may even be able to convince her the album is real!!

Least Favorite Child Results

August 15 & 16 – LFC both days was Charles.  Do I feel bad for Charles that he’s started to teethe early?  Of course I do.  I’m not a monster.  But that doesn’t mean hanging out with him while he deals with this horrible pain is a lot of fun.  Have you ever seen a movie where they have to amputate a soldier’s leg without pain killers?  The wounded guy next to that soldier always looks like they’d rather be anyplace else.

It was a lot like spending the weekend with someone going through horrible withdrawal.  Imagine 48 hours next to this.

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Is it fair to penalize Charles for this?  I don’t know.  This is a blog where I rank which one of my children I like more on a day to day basis.  I don’t think I’m scoring good guy points no matter the basis of my decision.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 32 Days

Charles – 30 Days

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 34

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Happy Monday, you multi-talented bastard!!

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