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August 10, 2015

I work in Reality TV and am bitter I didn’t think of the show America’s Next Weatherman.  (Saturday Nights on TBS.  I love to plug.)  But I can put my bitterness aside because while watching this show with my 11 week old sons, it occurred to me that I NEVER have to watch shows like Dora The Explorer, Arthur or The Magic School Bus.  Because until the school system gets a hold of them, my sons will learn everything they need to about life through Reality TV.

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(Arthur might be waving hello here, but I’m waving goodbye)

First off, the Boys loved watching Weatherman.  It had lots of colors and moving shapes which checks off both of the must have boxes for their entertainment.  But it also did several things that kid’s cartoon never do. It was funny, it entertained both the children AND me, we learned a little about meteorology, and someone got eliminated at the end of the episode.  I’ve never found Arthur or Dora funny, and none of the characters in the book have to deal with the stakes of being sent home never to appear in another story line. Personally, I think the school system should get on board with this method of teaching.

Imagine if during every school year, you faced weekly challenges that determined your fate in the class.  Every week or two, one student is “eliminated!”  (You wouldn’t actually eliminate them.  You just send them to another class to learn with the rest of the eliminated.)  Wouldn’t it be a feather in your cap to be able to say that you WON THIRD GRADE!!!  OK, I’m not going to get too excited.  The school system will never go for my fun idea.

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(Tell me that this little girl doesn’t have what it takes to win it all on Big Brother)

I am pretty determined that Charles and Arthur will be much better prepared for school life if I teach them the basics through Reality Shows.  It’s even in their blood.  Their mother is a Reality TV Show Winner. That’s right, she won the third season of Animal Planet’s little known Reality Show King Of The Jungle. I competed on this show as well and was thankfully the 4th one eliminated.  Hanging out in the Everglades in August reminded me of my intense sweating issues. I’d soak through three t-shirts before Noon.

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(That’s my wife sporting a fierce winning look.  My photo featured sweat poring down my worried face)

It’s not just about education either. Odds are that anyone who lives in or near a major city knows someone who has appeared on a Reality Show.  I live in LA, so every fifth person I meet has been on a Reality Show.  The chances that my sons will someday be on a Reality Show are astronomically high and no one every won a reality competition because they used what they learned from Thomas The Tank Engine.  My boys need to get ahead of the curve so I’m working on a curriculum to make them smarter and Reality Show Competition ready.

Geography 101 – Amazing Race

The Amazing Race

Maybe you want to show your kids a spinning globe to learn about the World.  Give me the Amazing Race’s Phil, showing my kids that it’s about racing down a hill on a large block of swiss cheese in Sweden, in order to learn about the country’s terrain and one of it’s chief exports.

Math 101 – MTV’S Are You The One?

Learning the basics of addition, subtraction and division can be very dull.  But on this show, twenty something singles, party, hook up and form relationships based on personality tests that use sophisticated mathematical formulas.  Yes, please!

Sex Ed – The Bachelor/Bachelorette

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If this show isn’t a shot in the arm for the Boys’ confidence I don’t know what will be. Seeing the lack of ability to speak intelligently or piece together an original thought from the contestants on this show, along with the person who they’re all competing for, will give them little fear that they won’t succeed in the dating world. Will it teach them about sex?  Sure, it will.  They’ll just have to imagine what goes on behind the door, with the closed captioned grunts and groans.

English 101 – Every Show

They’ll need to watch as many shows as they can in order to pick up the needed sound bites to succeed at school and win a Reality Show.  They’ll need to know just the right time to say, “It is what it is.” Pick the perfect time to accuse someone of “Throwing them under the bus.” Figuring out the importance of exclaiming that they’re “Not here to make friends” while using the word “literally” incorrectly as much as possible is going to get them places that Barney and the Tele Tubbies just can’t take them.

This is going to be daunting schedule for them.  If they have to miss some tummy time along the way, so be it.  As their father it’s my duty to best prepare my sons for the future.  Someone’s kids are going to enter Pre-School and their kids are, in the words of many a Reality Star, going to be “bringing they’re A-Game.” And to be clear, those kids are mine. Literally!!!

Least Favorite Child Results

August 8 & 9 – Least Favorite hands down both day was Charles.  It’s not that Charles is fussier, crankier or needier than the average baby.  In fact he’s probably less so in those categories than most.  It’s more that Arthur seems so content and independent for someone 11 weeks of age.  He spend a lot of time just contently swaying back and forth is his swing in a Bob Ross (The Painter Guy) like state, thinking of happy little clouds.

If these kids ever get lost in the Mall when they’re toddlers, I’ll definitely find a weepy Charles first.  Arthur’s going to take some time.  He might be checking out the food court or filling out an application at Foot Locker.

Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 30 Days

Charles – 26 Days

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 27

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I hope you really are having the best time ever, Neil.  I really hope you are.

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