August 7, 2015

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I am an extreme over tipper, or at least I was.  It used to give 30 or 35% tips without a second thought.  I was a sucker for a tip jar.  If I passed by filled mason jars on a supermarket shelf I had an impulse to open them up and throw a few dollars in there.

I think it comes from having a little bit of low self esteem.  I crave to be liked by strangers and what better way to be liked then to line their pockets with my cash.  If I sat down for a meal in a restaurant I would imagine a day years in the future, when I’d run into the server walking on the streets. They would see me and stop to exclaim, “It’s you!  You’re the guy who tipped me 20 dollars on a 40 dollar bill!!  We used to sing a folk song about you at the restaurant!  I just want you to know how profoundly you changed my life and the life of the entire staff!”

That’s not an elaborate description of what I thought.  That’s exactly what I thought.  I think the lazy part of me wants to be liked by strangers too.  I’ve always figured it’s much easier to get the approval who of someone who doesn’t know me.  Getting the approval of someone who already knows me?  Geesh!  That’s gonna be an uphill climb.

Now that I have two 3 month old kids it’s hit me, that I’m going to be poor.  In fact, poor is what I’m shooting for.  They need clothes, food, toys and cribs at the moment.  Eventually they’ll want vacations, camps, sporting equipment, electronics, cars, and COLLEGE!!

I know it’s unrealistic but I’m kind of hoping that in 18 years, college will have become an outdated concept.  I’m clinging to the hope that Apple invents some piece of $600 tech that obliterates the need for a half million dollar investment in education.  I bet they call it “iDegree.” **Patent Pending

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(This is what I need to happen to Harvard University by 2033)

The only thing that’s going to allow me to be lucky enough to reside in poor status as opposed to becoming homeless is curbing my tipping habits.

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(If I don’t fix my tipping issue, this won’t be a photo of Arthur, Charles and Winston at the park.  It will be a picture of their bedroom.)

I started my new life as a normal tipper a few days ago.  I went into my regular coffee place, got my coffee and left nothing in the tip jar.  The smile from the lovely girl who knows my usual order, disappeared from her face and was replaced by a look that would indicate I just blew my nose on her shirt.  At least that’s how I interpreted it. Not only does that girl no longer like me, I’m now her mortal enemy.  And why not?  She’s no longer a happy well rewarded service worker. Just another grunt punching in and out with no monetary indication of appreciation.  Here’s where I see her in a few years without my daily dollar tip.

Coffee Girl Today

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Coffee Girl in Six Months

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You might think I’m exaggerating, but if she’s not going to get my dollar every day, she’s gonna need to get her tips somewhere.  I’m sorry coffee house girl.  It’s not my fault.

And that’s what happens to someone I’m just tipping out a daily dollar.  What’s going to happen to the restaurant server who makes serious bank on my low self esteem and generosity?

Server Today

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Just look at her.  Fresh, full of life, and knowing that the unreasonable tip I give her will pay her gas bill.

Server in Six Months

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I hope you enjoy the shit out of tennis camp, Boys.  This was what it cost.

Not only have I begun the process of ruining lives, but now, with my low self esteem, I’m going to have to attempt to be liked by family, friends and coworkers!  What a total drag that’s gonna be.  It’s going to involve doing favors for people, listening to their stories and pretending I care, and somewhere down the road I’m destined to wind up helping someone move, or provide some type of labor intensive help.

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(Look at the masks these people wear to cover their hate)

The downward spiral of not being able to overtip has begun and I think we’ll see that it’s what’s been holding society together all these years.  Get ready for a world that looks like this.

World in Six Months

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You can blame me, but I blame the first person to put out a Tip Jar.

Least Favorite Child Results

August 5 – Least Favorite is Charles.  No one made any promises that tummy time would be a joy ride, so I see no need for the drama and hysterics.  It’s fifteen minutes, two or three times a day, Charles.  You don’t see me having a hissy fit when I’m forced to spend an hour watching Vanderpump Rules…at least not lately.

August 6 – Least Favorite is Arthur.  The concept of having a diaper is having a comfortable yet absorbent device to catch pee and poop.  When you wait to take a dump in between the time when I take the dirty one off and get the new one on, you kind of defeat the purpose, and your adorable smiles in that moment lose their luster just a tiny bit.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 30 Days

Charles – 24 Days

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 24

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I’m beginning to see NPH in a whole different light.

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