August 5, 2015
Last week, I proudly wrote about the Boys’ penises being officially declared as perfect. That’s great news for them, because it’s unlikely that any other part of their body will sync up with their junk. They carry 50% of my genetic code, so they only have so much to work with.
I clearly remember the time period in my life when I realized that appearing in a Hot Fireman Calendar wasn’t in my future. Middle school gym class. Specifically, when we’d have to break into a team sport and the Gym teacher would yell out the most dreaded words a pubescent teen boy can hear, “Shirts and skins!!” I vividly recall standing in line as the teacher would randomly utter the word shirt or skin and determine our fate for the next 45 minutes. It was like standing in the Roman Colosseum, waiting to a thumbs up or down from Caesar.
It seemed I was always a skin. And as someone who never like taking his shirt off under any circumstance I always had that farmer’s tan that you get on just your arms up to a little past your elbow. This led to inevitable comments such as, “Hey, Hurley. Where’d you get the white t-shirt with the nipples on it”? OK, I’m going too far down this emotional rabbit hole. Enough.
I’m just saying that sooner or later, Charles and Arthur are going to have to come to grips with the fact that Hurley Men don’t generate any muscle tone. The best hope they have to get a set of these…
is if they draw them on their stomachs with a sharpie. And they should know that it’s not my fault! I inherited this body from a long line of Irish men who at some point in the evolutionary chart, decided that sit ups weren’t nearly as satisfying as sitting on a stool and enjoying a pint of ale.
The situation isn’t as hopeless as I’m making it out to be. I just want to reign in their expectations of someday appearing in Magic Mike 14. To be realistic, they should put themselves on the Seth Rogan Scale. He’s a guy that can range between passably chunky and “he wouldn’t be mortified if he had to take his shirt off.
Here’s the low end of the Rogan Scale.
Truth be told, I’d need to diet for a few weeks to get where he is in this photo. But should the Boys find themselves on this end of the Rogan Scale, all they need is a nice dark slimming shirt and they’ll get by just fine in life.
On the other hand if they put a little work in they could be on the higher side of the Rogan Scale.
Here’s a svelte Rogan coming back from Starbucks with a coffee and no doubt a low fat muffin of sorts. Look how loose those clothes are! Chick magnet!!
And there’s even better news for Charles and Arthur. Women are incredibly forgiving of guys with bad bodies. Much more so than men are of women who don’t meet a certain standard. I know women have a higher threshold of pain, but the fact that my wife has seen me nude on numerous occasions and not once shuddered is astonishing. And if the Boys don’t believe me when I tell them about how the unbalanced aesthetics in relationships work, I can back it up with plenty of evidence.
(This union is probably what led Don Draper to seek hill top meditation)
(Are you shitting me?)
(See how far a little personality can get you?)
And it’s not just famous or wealthy ugly guys getting really attractive women.
(This guy can’t crack any part of the Rogan Scale.)
The bottom line is, the Boys will be just fine. Women take pity on us. They just need to avoid the beach and pay off their gym teacher before class if it’s a Shirts and Skins day.
Least Favorite Child Results
Tough to call. Both Arthur and Charles have been really good lately. Look at these photos.
They seem very very happy, don’t they? They either have something horrible planned for us or they have noticed how we’ve aged in the past 11 weeks and can’t contain the humor they find in our appearance.
August 3 – Least Favorite was Arthur. He had an outburst when I took a pacifier out of his mouth that can only be described as demonic. I’m pretty sure he was yelling in tongues, and the voice of an old deceased gym teacher yelling “shirts and skins!” may have even crept in there somewhere.
August 4 – Least Favorite was Arthur yet again. I’m a big fan of the snooze alarm. I enjoy six or seven periods of 9 minutes of blissful sleep. Arthur on the other hand sets his snooze on periods of 30 seconds in the morning. Until he learns that a snooze is 9 full minutes we’re going to have issues.
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Arthur – 29 days
Charles – 23 Days
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 22
(No, Neil. Don’t give me your patronizing thumbs up!)