August 3, 2015
All the best and most popular bloggers have guest bloggers from time to time. I am not the best blogger and much closer to the least popular than the most. I still wanted a break from blogging today, so I’ve invited my dog Winston to guest blog. I know, too cute!! He’s not the first dog to ever blog but he’s looked like he’s needed to get something off his chest for a few weeks now, so I thought I’d let him have this forum today.
I’M HOLDING THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER!
I’ll admit. When I found out there were going to be two new additions to the family I was just as excited as the guy who feeds me and the lady who feeds me.
I figured finally there would be two humans who would get off their lazy humps to frolic and have fun with me. Endless days at the park followed by trips to the ice cream parlor where I’d lovingly lick the drips of ice cream off their chins as they giggled and said, “Oh, Winston! You’re incorrigible!”
I figured wrong. This is what the guy and lady who feed me brought back from their 3 day trip. I think it was 3 days. I have issues with time.
Sure, they’re cute. But I wouldn’t call them fun. In fact I don’t think they’re even aware I’m here, which is pathetic because I’m holding this whole thing together. While these two go blissfully about their day, they have no idea how frightened they should be that the guy and lady who feed me have been charged with keeping them alive.
Here’s a photo of them taken on one of the thousands of outings they’ve gone on that they failed to take me along. I remember this trip specifically as they came waltzing back into the house laughing and smiling, drunk from the smell of popcorn and cotton candy that just dripped off of them. They talked about the wonderful time they had right in front of me!! Cruel dicks, right? But that’s not the worst. These two lazy insensitive idiots are going to take care of two children? Good luck!
On at least nine occasions in my life they have forgotten to feed me my ‘after dinner but before bed’ soup bone to tide me over till my midnight snack when the man gets up to eat from a colored box while watching the flicker tube. They’re kind of selfish too. They will have a whole plate of food in front of them and do they divide it equally with me? NO! I get the half eaten remains and have even been relegated to licking the plate! Don’t even get me started on the inequality in the bedroom! Would it kill them to let me rest my head on the pillow and lie snuggled between them? I try to suggest it by gently sneaking up there around 1am every night and get shoved (yes shoved) to the bottom of the bed.
Let’s just say I’m not looking forward to having even less to go around. So far they’ve put the pups in these moving dog bed things next to us but if they ever decide to join us in the people bed well, all I have to say is I’m not moving any further down! I’m just staking my claims now. The crusts of bread, the plate drippings and the foot of the people bed are mine and I’m not sharing no matter how much those kids howl! (Though I may be able to strike a deal with them when it comes time for them to eat their liver.)
Of course I knew when these kids came I’d need to take on some more responsibility. But I figured I had sowed my wild oats.
I had pee’d my name in the sand at the beach.
Gotten into my share of brawls.
I’d even done some adventurous exploration when it came to romance.
I knew now it was time to give that up. But, I wasn’t prepared to have to be this vigilant to make sure these kids make it through each day unscathed. I’d call child services for some help, but when I try to dial, my paw hits 6 numbers at the same time and it’s simply a fiasco.
I try to commiserate with friends but not all of them understand, that I’m the dog of TWIN babies. Two babies at the same time! Here’s a picture of me with my friend Fred.
Fred has a 5 month baby girl in the house where he lives and he complains that it cries all the time. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Fred’s an idiot. For every inconvenience he experiences, I experience the same thing twice. It’s enough to make me knock over the diaper pail and completely fall off the wagon. I’m already conflicted enough that I’m subjected to seeing the boobs that belong to the lady that feeds me, 4 or 5 times a day. I have no idea what’s coming out of those things. It certainly isn’t liver snaps but it smells delicious. Yet again NO sharing!
Fred doesn’t realize the stress I deal with. I have to deal with TWO babies who need dried milk licked off their faces! I have to deal with TWO babies who need their diapers sniffed endlessly to tip the guy and lady who feed me that it’s time to for a change. And when these TWO babies take a crap do you think they’re hurriedly commanded to- make with the pooping like I am on walks? Not a chance in hell. They actually take their poop filled diapers off and put a new one on while…singing to them! They’re singing to them! I wouldn’t mind hearing a little Bruno Mars while I do my business as opposed to “GET BUSY!!!”
Luckily I have a support group.
All of my friends here are the dogs of twins. We get together to vent, nap and get generally distracted from our stated agenda twice a month. I think it’s twice a month. I suck with time.
I hear the guy and lady who feed me talking about how the first three months are the worst but I think they’re just fooling themselves. These two monsters are starting to show their personalities and their little smiles don’t fool me at all. They intend on taking no prisoners. But maybe someday they will frolic with me in the park and share their unwanted liver and broccoli. Plus there is two of them so I even have a good shot at one giving me some pillow space. Wake me when that day comes!
Least Favorite Child Results
August 1 – I’m doing this for the guy that feeds me as well. I’ll say the bald one is the Least Favorite on Saturday. I think that’s Charles. Arthur, the one with hair, hadn’t had a bath in a couple days, and I found his fragrance extremely intoxicating. Then they had to bath him and ruin the whole thing.
August 2 – Arthur was the Least Favorite. I’m pretty sure Charles acknowledged me on this day. He definitely locked a gaze on me for a few seconds, moaned and drooled. That’s the best validation I have from either of them in 11 weeks. Or has it been 11 days? I really suck at time.
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Arthur – 27 Days
Charles – 23 Days
Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received The Guy Who Feeds Me’s Post and Hasn’t Responded – 20
**The guy who feeds me helped me with the math. And kind of talked down to me when he did it.